FullaBella's Journal, 30 June 2013

Really challenging frustrating day today - well, it's been several days as you've read in my ongoing whiny journals but today something finally hit home that I've been trying to ignore for several days, weeks ... months.. and it set me off on a massive internal rant.

The issue is that I cannot remember the last time I sat down with my 'meal' and was able to eat it beginning to end without interruption. I haven't been 'checking' off every time interrupted to keep a tally but I'd say it borders well into the double digits. So often that I can hear my own 'I'm trying to eat my lunch, okay?' echoing in my head.

This morning same thing. Husband had his breakfast, dishes cleared, all settled and I finally decided on a brunch and no sooner did my butt hit the chair with my bowl in hand and it started. Requests for something. When I'm 'finished' of course but when I am trying to eat mindfully and pay attention to my body signals it's frustrating to me to have a clock ticking off while someone else is WAITING. I just don't have that ability. God knows I wish I did.

I finally gave up, said 'I'm going outside' and abandoned my breakfast. It's very important to ME that I don't eat when angry because I am trying to NOT use food to soothe my emotions.

Out in my yard I imagined the things I'd like to say to my husband in a calm manner. I'd like to patiently explain how I am trying at this very late stage of the game to eat 'right'. How of all the challenges and temptations I'm able to withstand around here, everything from cheesecake to mega oreos, I need that 'peaceful eating time' for a very important reason.

However, I've had many 'me' discussions like this over the years; it doesn't play well. It's like trying to explain shoes.

I even decided to approach it from a different direction as in comparing it to the challenges he had when he decided to stop drinking. I'm not sure he was an actual alcoholic, I think he just never knew 'when to say when'. Kind of like me and food.

But, he did stop, altogether, well over ten years ago so I applaud him for that. However, as with myself, the decision to stop and stay stopped was up to him. Me not drinking in the house nor keeping alcohol around may have helped but it was still his responsibility ultimately and he did it.

But then I began thinking about the same thing many of us have said over time - how this is so much harder than drinking or drugs because we do still have to eat. Totally abstaining is not an option.

I began thinking how interesting it would be if AA required the members to learn to drink in martini's in moderation. To exercise conscious cocktails. To drink with attention and intention at happy hour. Seems a little ludicrous I know but what if it wasn't?

I THINK I heard on the news last week obesity had finally been declared an addiction by the AMA - I know ... I should do my research but I'm journaling and venting not submitting a dissertation for my PhD. But I began wondering... what WOULD be the next step for overweight people of this was in fact accurate? Would they be required to go to '28 day food clinics' or have their lips stapled shut? Will 'everything in moderation' be upgraded to 'no, never again... '

A bit absurd, I know. I just had to get away from my anger for a while and deal with my frustration. This was how I did it and I felt like recording it.



I love the recording. Thanks for sharing. Yes, quitting alcohol is vastly different from quitting food. I know, I did the one and am trying do the other. Alcohol was easier in a sense because it was all or nothing. Food? Not so much. I have to say, though, that this site and your cyber-friendship are definitely tools to sober eating for me. Take care of YOU, Bella!! 
30 Jun 13 by member: Sweet Ce
I concur, my Angel -- while It's easy for me to say that he can wait, I know that you are saying that too, but trying to eat mindfully with that in the back of your mind... well, it can't get put back far enough! Think ear plugs are worth a try at mealtimes? xoxox 
01 Jul 13 by member: Ruhu
Is there perhaps a way for you eat meals together? If he's sitting there with you and is occupied with something like a meal, maybe that would be a way for the requests to stop for a while. I know it's not always easy to be mindfully eating when eating with someone else...just thinking perhaps it would be more doable (and healthier for you!) than the anger/irritation. 
01 Jul 13 by member: RavenSoul69
Oh, forgot to mention--around the 18th of June the AMA did indeed declare they were classifying obesity as a disease. I remember reading an article on abcnews. The AMA is hoping to raise awareness of obesity's specific issues and to encourage insurance companies to expand treatments beyond just surgury and medications. I think it's a step in the right direction...but it's going to take a long while before insurance compaies, medical professionals, and especially the general public will gain enough true knowledge about it to make the classification effective. 
01 Jul 13 by member: RavenSoul69
*surgery Heh, spelling does not come naturally to me at 7 AM, obviously... 
01 Jul 13 by member: RavenSoul69
I've had many thoughts about how food addiction is the only one where the "cure" still requires the addict to hand the substance of their addiction on a daily basis, inundated with commercials and advertising trying to lure them back. How many commercials do you see geared toward luring cocaine addicts back into their addiction? And why are cigarette and alcohol commercials either banned or strictly regulated? If you can't show a person actually drinking in a booze commercial, then why is it okay to show people eating in a food commercial? I really feel for you with the hubby situation giving you zero chance to try and have a focused meal. I don't think it would be unkind or selfish if you were to ask him to give you 15 minutes to yourself without interruption. I think he would understand if you said how important it was to you. Maybe now that the weather is improving, have a little table and chair set up outside so you could eat al fresco (and in peace and quiet!).  
01 Jul 13 by member: evelyn64
Oh I can feel your pain...I can be doing what ever eating etc..and right in the middle of what it is..DH or some one else has to have my attention right now..its like we are at their beck and call and have no life except take care of them....I have to agree with evelyn64...they show food all the time..and it really does make you hungry for it..even though you may not like it that much..it sure the heck looks good..I like the idea of eating out on the porch too..Hang in there girl..:O) 
01 Jul 13 by member: BHA
Hmmmm. Is it purposeful or is he oblivious ? My kids always seemed to know if I wanted some peace and then would start the mommy mommy mommy bit. I was big into teaching respect and made it very clear if I get a peaceful brunch you get a happy day...ruin my time with your nonsense and you re dealing with tony soprano all afternoon. Give a little get a little. I hope your husband could hear I need 15 uninterrupted minutes . You should be able to have that. One of my favorite phrases is we teach people how we want to be treated. Can he be ignored ?? I can t hear you from 12 - 12 30 ?? 
02 Jul 13 by member: sharonfriz
Love how you handled this frustration. We can't change others but we can certainly change ourselves - hopefully in a manner that is agreeable to all! :) 
02 Jul 13 by member: Neptunebch
Grrrrrrrrrrr I feel your frustration! And your comparison to trying to explain a pair of shoes, that is too funny girl. Oh, ya, I would LOVE to see AA serve martinis in moderation. NOT! Hang in there, I admire you for not eating when hungry and focusing on how and when you eat. Heck, I just do a driveby to my kitchen and shove it in. I hate being bothered with eating when I am on a diet. Just the opposite of most, that just shows you it is easier NOT to eat then nicely balance and control your intake. It takes work. (for us) ... You have reminded me to pay attention, I will try to stop my driveby kitchen meals. It might help me in the long run:-) Hang in there! Keep the focus, it is so good for you! 
02 Jul 13 by member: Lizzygracemusic
Disregard earlier comments my head is full of snot. 
02 Jul 13 by member: sharonfriz


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