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Good evening buddies,
Isn't it interesting how a weight chart can turn into a kind of BS detector," pointing to external times of stress and giving us pause to evaluate them. The old me would have soldiered on through difficulties. The new me is saying "No. I matter. My needs, feelings and thoughts are important."
Last night, I ventured out to my mass despite the warning signs. Inside I wanted to believe that everything was fine. But I suddenly felt miserable. My world was falling apart. I had to tiptoe out the door just before the Eucharist, because I was hurting so much and feeling so angry about it at the same time. (Not the ideal frame of mind for worship). Ugh. A mental suffering that persisted till 2am this morning and half of today.
I am learning that I never want to let myself care so much I could be made unhappy like that again. Here's where I want to heal and deal! So I spent about five hours this morning writing and editing a letter to my priest, until finally had it boiled down to barely 50 words, very kind but clear. Nowhere near as effusive as the other 10 drafts had been, lol.
Fortunately by noon today, I had to head out the door with my youngest to finish some errands downtown. We got in lots of walking, laughing, and "skinny" carbs spaced well apart. Feeling better, more carefree. And I put my letter in the main post office downtown to be sure it gets delivered tomorrow. ;-)
Mass tonight at our local parish with the boys was awesome. I am centred again in today. Tonight my own caution is telling me to pick my team players carefully while I work on losing weight. Weight loss is not a game of solitaire. I need to surround myself with people that provide lots of positives and good times to get me through down moments and tough days. I am not letting stupid, personal baggage get in the way of my success.
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou buddies for the light and joy I recieve from all of you. You make the journey so much better!!!
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Hi, Maria! thank you for being a part of my journey too! I hope that whatever was getting you so angry gets resolved - good for you for deciding!
26 Sep 10 by member: abbadabba
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Maria, glad that you decided to write that letter, rather than just swallowing what was bothering you, tamping it down to the point where it could become toxic to you and your journey! Congratulations on making the decision to stop letting personal baggage interfere with your success. That takes courage! And so happy that you got to spend some quality time with your youngest and are feeling better and more carefree! Hope that your week is fantastic!
27 Sep 10 by member: ctlss
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Thanks Abba and Stef. Misunderstandings and hard feelings with people we care about are so painful. But I am getting to the point where I realize this person has been mistrusting and judging me for a long while now, and that I may be better off moving on?? I am grateful for new days and new experiences. Tomorrow will be even better I'm sure. ;-)
27 Sep 10 by member: Bible Bliss
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Thankyou Abba and Stef for your kind words. Misunderstandings and hard feelings with people we care about are so painful. Let's see how he responds to the letter. I am always drawn to reconciliation, but with toxic people that is not the most prudent action. Perhaps Cathy's journal two days ago sums it up best: "...you have to realize that if someone treats you like this, there was really never anything there to lose." Unmistakable truth.
27 Sep 10 by member: Bible Bliss
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Good evening FF, isn't F.S. and the ability to put thoughts into words a wonderful place to be or not to be? That has been the question and been the topic of many discussion for eons lol. Thank you for stopping by my journals today as I truly appreciate your company as we share while we go through the process of healing ourselves. I am thinking about your beautiful injured Wisteria. Although it is hurt right now and is facing yet another winter, it will turn it's energy inward and focus on it's roots while firmly attaching to our nuturing Mother Earth. Over the next few months it will seek out for any light and warmth it senses. Gradually, building an innter strength over the next 18 months, it will regenerate and in doing so become stronger. One day it will show signs of new growth that reaches out to the world. The world will pause as it will take notice to your Wisteria's spectacular demonstration of strength, grace and beauty. TOWANDA!!!!
delete 26 Sep 10 by member: Lisa Online
27 Sep 10 by member: Lisa Online
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Sometimes we just have to move close the door to a relationship like that and move forward. It hurts, but in the end it is best. As Lisa siad pruning back can be painful, but in the end it makes the plant stronger, with new growth in different directions. I did read Cathy's journal and commented there about a similar experience with, what I thought was, an online "buddy".
27 Sep 10 by member: ctlss
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LOL, I really need to find a spell check for this site... goodnight Maria, TOWANDA!!!!
27 Sep 10 by member: Lisa Online
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Stef: let me quickly explain that I am borrowing Cathy's wording to apply to my situation which is different from her situation. lol, sorry for the confusion. Interesting you should mention closing doors. He is the leader of this community, so my life will be quite different if I leave. I will decide about that after I receive his response. Thanks Lisa for the pruning analogy. I am ready to accept pruning, and I trust in new life and growth!!!
27 Sep 10 by member: Bible Bliss
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Hi Maria! I am sorry you are having a tough time and having to make a decision that you may find tough. I did not have to make a decision as the decision was made for me. I hope that writing the letter gives you the peace that you deserve. Writing my journal gave me some peace and closure...although situations like this are never good and always hurt I believe it is best to handle them head on, realize what we have taken from the relationship , say good bye and move on. It is definitely not easy and I hope in your case you get the reply you are hoping for. You are in my prayers Maria and I think you are a very strong and wise woman. Hugs!
27 Sep 10 by member: chattycathy1955
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Hang in there FF. I'll say a prayer for you. Like all things, this will work itself out (and I am not minimizing it, I am probably just being a male -- sorry). I hope that your priest handles your words well and kindly; he should.
27 Sep 10 by member: Adaram
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Cathy I very much like your "head on" approach to things. Healthy living...Life is abundant. Thankyou Cathy for your insights!!! Adaram: I am grateful for your words, particularly because you DO have a male perspective which I don't. ;-) I am hopeful that it will work itself out too. At the very least it will change, which is good!
27 Sep 10 by member: Bible Bliss
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Hi Maria! There are usually three sides to every story, the one side, the other side, and the truth. I say look closely for what caused the problem as a first step. Once a sequence is carefully and deliberately set into motion it may not be as easy to stop as one thinks. If there is a sequence, try to examine it carefully, particularly it's origins, that may reveal the underlying causes of seemingly inexplicable behavior and random tangental events. Finally, perhaps it's best not to rush to conclusions prematurely using tranquility and insight to get to the bottom of things, and *always* looking for the light. It's just an opinion, also male.
27 Sep 10 by member: information
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BTW: I sent you a PM on a related matter.
27 Sep 10 by member: information
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Info: I like that analysis of three sides. I am sure that this will be an opportunity for greater undestanding between myself and our priest. I just knew that this last episode was the last that I would accept without dealing with it. I'd had enough. But as the hours pass, I can see that this will be a good experience for personal growth in my life, and my sense of comfort will increase I think. Neither of us may ever understand the origins or underlying causes, but we will at least know that we are fragile and in need of forgiveness. Yes. Tranquility, insight, and light. When we rise above our thoughts, then we are in a truer, more beautiful, and more peaceful place. We think alike. ;-) I'm off to check my PMs!!!
28 Sep 10 by member: Bible Bliss
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maria.. you did wonderfully with the situation... I bet your glad you didn't send out one of the first letters that you wrote!!!
stay strong..stay postive and stay focused...and continue to face forward.
28 Sep 10 by member: amy1flite
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I feel so much better, Amy. Thankyou!!!
28 Sep 10 by member: Bible Bliss
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28 Sep 10 by member: Adaram
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Hi Maria I hope you are doing well today and your situation was resolved to your satisfaction. Have a great Wednesday!!
29 Sep 10 by member: chattycathy1955
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Hi FF, thanks for the insight regarding school as I truly appreciate your story and it sounds like your parents are wonderful teachers. My daughter Mary is in the 6th grade and is doing very well, I could go on and on about how wonderful her school is. My older daughter Brooke who is a genetics major, senior at U.C. Davis. Her earlier school choices were not as awesome as Mary's but she did it and is a 1st generation college student on both sides of the family! I am so proud.... My girls are self driven and have broken through some educational road blocks (mom who doesn't help with math past 4th grade lol), so I totally understand when you say it is up to the student to persue their own education! TOWANDA!!!!!!
29 Sep 10 by member: Lisa Online
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I love love love this journal. I'm glad you were able to clear your head and write your thoughts out and send them to your priest after much thought instead of bottling it up inside. You're so right about letting others be supportive and not trying to do it all alone, I think for some that is their downfall. That makes me grateful for places like this, and even though it's online, I still am grateful for your support/kind words/sharing your story! *hugs*
29 Sep 10 by member: Want2BFit
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