FullaBella's Journal, 21 May 2013

Tuesday and the sun keeps trying to peek out but is having all the success of mopping the deck on the Titanic. As quickly as it appears a dozen clouds swim back over it.

Writing this morning I 'think' I may have tapped a couple of subliminal reasons behind the bubbling hesitation and doubt of 'do I have it right this time or not?' in my journal recently.

1) Since retiring, I rarely finish anything. I can't remember the last time I read an entire book or watched a movie beginning to end. Perhaps being the Queen of Unfinished Projects is shaking my faith in my dedication to all things? 2) It occurred to me this morning I was seven months into joining FS. My original commitment was to devote a full year of head down studying nutrition and finding a way of eating that would sustain me in a healthy way for the rest of my life. However, as my approach toward food and eating continues to evolve I think the looming deadline is creating an unnecessary feeling of pressure.

So for those internal issues I reminded myself of the well worn cliché : life is a work in progress. I have the rest of my life to finish those books, Netflix for movies, and if I need longer on FS to feel comfortable, so be it. I have no more obligation to finish a project than I have to finish the serving on my plate. All things in moderation and this will be the last chance I get to sample everything. I'm working on reversing half a century of bad eating habits; I will take my time and get it right. All I have to do is get it right today. Then get up tomorrow and do it all over again.


Diet Calendar Entries for 21 May 2013:
2210 kcal Fat: 121.00g | Prot: 119.32g | Carb: 167.64g.   Breakfast: Egg, Baby Spinach, Bacon, Sartori Merlot Bellavitano Cheese, Tomatoes, Onions, Bell Peppers. Lunch: Chicken Meat and Skin (Roasting, Roasted, Cooked), Whole Wheat Bread, Mayonnaise, Peanuts, Peanut Butter, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. Snacks/Other: Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Cottage Cheese, Braum's Chocolate Premium Ice Cream, Girl Scout Cookies Thank U Berry Munch. more...
1903 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


My boyfriend gets on me for all the unfinished projects... I look at him and ask him when the last time was he tried something he wanted to do. He had no answer. My only response is... at least I try. 
21 May 13 by member: Vickiauntmick
If you are the queen of unfinished projects, I think my husband is the king. I don't know what causes us to flit from one project to the next, unable to focus our attention. We're all guilty of it at times. I'm starting to think I need to write myself a list of all the things I need and want to do, maybe even having a separate list for the needs and the wants to help prioritize things. And I'm talking about all things I want and need to do, whether it be personal improvement, housework, projects, hobbies, travel plans, whatever. Procrastination is often my middle name so even the list of the things I haven't finished or have been putting off only gets the passing mental note. I used to think I was lazy. But I'm beginning to think there's more to it. Further investigation is required! Maybe I'll get around to that tomorrow... lol.  
21 May 13 by member: evelyn64
As the cyclist said to the wheelwright, truer spokes were never whirred. You are under no obligation to finish anything-face it, if we finish something, it's because we want to and it interests us. If something ceases to be interesting and instead becomes a task we can choose not to complete it. I'm making pj shorts today and finishing them-first because they're easy and second because I need them. I have not done the last little finishing bits on my long sleeved top because I don't need it right now. My needs and desires dictate my actions, not some puritanical idea of "I have started this and I must finish it".  
21 May 13 by member: CollyMP
sorry-that kinda turned into all about me and I didn't mean it to! 
21 May 13 by member: CollyMP
FS would be a much less interesting place without you, Dear Bella. I don't want your quest for health or weightloss to be deterred or completed prematurely.... I just want to continue to connect with you, your wisdom, your humor and your very honest journal entries. My friends remind me: 1) Time takes Time; 2) TIME + Things I Must Experience; 3) Time is a magazine - all we have is today, one day at a time. I'm taking it one day at a time and am inspired & encouraged to do it persistently because of your courage. Do what you must, but know that when you leave FS, you will be missed. 
21 May 13 by member: Sweet Ce
You are doing so amazingly well, have come so far & are an unbelievable inspiration to so many of us. I can only imagine what wonderful insights you'll have as you pave your road away from disordered toward ordered eating. xoxox 
21 May 13 by member: Ruhu
@Vicki - my husband used to be the same - at least a dozen projects going at one time and never really finishing any of them; it drove me mad but that's because I never had 'any' either.  
21 May 13 by member: FullaBella
@Evelyn - I used to be a list maker; I would even write 'have a happy day' at the top of every single list as a reminder. I wish I could remember the name of the organizer I used because it had a funnel effect - list all of the 'many' different things at the top and then start funneling them into what to accomplish on a daily even hourly basis. I think that's a lot of this 'huh?' going on with me - I'm winging it through the day after a lifetime of being overorganized. 
21 May 13 by member: FullaBella
@Colly - yeah, it's easy to tell which projects I like and those I don't (she says, wondering if it's time to go dust the treadmill because she's using all of her energy outside in the flowers and yard) And NEVER apologize about your comments ~ how many times have I hung out at your house babbling on and on and on.. 
21 May 13 by member: FullaBella
@Ce - Thank you for the very kind comment but not to worry - I am not going anywhere for a while. I think that was part of my shakiness, I'm not feeling ready to leave the FS nest yet 
21 May 13 by member: FullaBella
@Angel - Ahh, my road paver friend - before you know it we're gonna be speeding along so smoothly we'll make the Mindful Eating Highway look like the Daytona 500...  
21 May 13 by member: FullaBella
Sometimes I make reminders on the top of my to do lists...trying to remember to take a breath. Stop and smell the roses..so many people look at their retirement as an ending of their career and yours feels like new beginnings for everything. 
21 May 13 by member: sharonfriz
I love the last two lines! Thank you! :D 
21 May 13 by member: SELouisiana
Hi Bella! As the 9 month mark approaches, I remember what it was like.... Not bending over to tie my shoes because it would make me out of breath. Huffing and puffing at the smallest set of stairs. Knees and joints hurting so bad that I dreaded walking anywhere. We have come a long way and I think that we have learned so much. Did you ever think so much about food before? Food as it is truly intended to be - sustenance for the body and the mind? Even when I thought I was imploding and stopped journaling and tracking food, I only lasted two and a half weeks. I used to think that recording everything I ate made me OCD; now, I realize that it is a tool I need to manage my intake. Keep up the EXCELLENT work and I will be right here along with you. Every day. We can all do this - together! 
21 May 13 by member: RiverRes
Something I have had to learn is that there will be things that I can't control and these things will stop me from finishing something I want to do. I have started to study so many times the last 2 yrs and have only completed 2 subjects. I had a car accident in Jan 2012 and we survived because we were being looked after. Broke my wrist so couldn't do much for monts on end. Had surgery in June 2012, took longer to recover. Nov had gyno issues which needed investigation. This yr have had investigations on my bowels (still got to get results). I also see a dietician just to help get my head around food and it seems I have intolerances for some foods. I also see a pyschologist to help with my depression and the food business. SO yes, things I have wanted to do haven't got done and it is frustrating. C'est la vie, as long as we are progressing who cares how long it takes, even an inch at a time. 
21 May 13 by member: elk2804
I hear you on having many unfinished projects, I used to be the same way. You could look at it as - you tried it, it was okay, and your time is to precious to waste on stuff that doesn't inspire you totally - that take some of the 'guilt' or pressure off you. Life is for experimenting and enjoying and it is too short to do stuff that doesn't light us up. I should take my own advice :) I wonder if I should have a read of that emotional eating booking? You and your mates that have read it seem to be doing so well.  
22 May 13 by member: sarahsmum
I felt unfinished all weekend but realized that i got 4 hrs. overtime going to the office on Saturday. So the dishes didn't all get washed on time and we wasted a little food in the fridge because we ate out mostly but oh well. I'm really glad we are doing this together and do not want you to go away. I've been nibbling on hard candy at office which I didn't do since last June and now doing it again. I am eating too much dessert (because I eat what I want now) but I'm still maintaining. I want to start losing again and we are in this together so I know I will. Thanks for your always profound insight! :) 
22 May 13 by member: Neptunebch
@Sharon - yeah, amazing we have to remind ourselves to BREATH and EXHALE but *I* do ~ just like eating correctly it should be second nature but it isn't. @SEL - thank you ~ kind of my 'one day at a time' as if I had a chance to do 3 or 4 .. if I did Sunday would last at least 5 days :-) @ Paula - you know, I don't EVER remember really tasting and enjoying food as much as I do now - it was always 'oh, eat a bunch of this veggie so you won't want that sweet thing or cheese' and food was just nourishment and those people who could claim to taste whether it was a fig or a prune were full of themselves' ... but now, I actually can. And making peace with food I try to find the balance of really loving it when it's supposed to be nourishment - still a tightrope to master. @ Elk - I agree, our control is often less than we imagine it is; remembering how little we have is a relief sometimes @ Isabel - I think that I just feel 'flighty' with my 'flitting about' from one thing to another. But I'm forgiving myself too. @Neptune - I'm not going away ~ I made peace with whatever this is whether it's OCD or just a good time spent reversing too many bad years - either way, I'm sticking around. I'm glad we're all here too. 
22 May 13 by member: FullaBella


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