Sweet Ce's Journal, 16 May 2013

I hit the emotional wall yesterday. The relationship, the brother, the dad, the workplace, the volunteer place, the exercise, the physical changes.... The Perfect Storm.

And I did not want to stop myself from using food. I ate too much - that is to say, I ate more than I needed to sustain myself nutritionally. But I fed the "beast" within who was emotionally overwrought and "needed" something familiar (not comfort food, but familiar feeling). And this has stayed withe me this morning. I over-ate nutrionally, but emotionally, it's just what I wanted.

I can look at this all very anaytically: The food intake Kcal is still less than the Exercise output Kcal. I'll at least "maintain".

But it goes deeper. When I hit a wall, when I fill to overflowing emotionally, my physical being urges me to do the same. I knew when I was going for the refrigerator again last night that I was not physically hungry, but my emotions needed/craved something to stop all the tears and internal chaos.

Perhaps I could have called someone but I'd just come from therapy and was heading on to a conference call... execuses, I know, but it all made sense to me last night.

Anyway, I just feel like all I want is for everything to be sweet, rosy and loving - like my new relationship. But it isn't and I got unbalanced last night because I'd been indulging the sweetness, rosiness and lovingness. As a friend said, my heart was "on my sleeve" and the other emotions got all wound up in this "high" of love.

This isn't to say that I don't want to enjoy the reality of this love, the connection, the fulfilment of a long-time heart's desire. I do want to savor it. I want it to last as long as it can. I just want to also protect it and myself a little from the harshness of other realities.

I will now pay attention to how food is being used. I will write more here and in my off-line journal. I will say "no" to certain familial involvements for the next few weeks as I settle myself. And when Father's Day Family Reunion comes around, I'll decide whether or not I want to be immersed in that, what I hope to get from it if I DO decide to attend.

Love will conquer all fears - not through brute force, but through consistency, empathy and honesty with myself.

Diet Calendar Entries for 16 May 2013:
1889 kcal Fat: 118.91g | Prot: 61.51g | Carb: 160.48g.   Breakfast: Almond Butter, Flax Seeds, Berries, Peaches, Almond Milk, Starbucks Spinach Feta Egg White Wrap, Starbucks Vanilla Almond Biscotti. Lunch: Avocados, Mixed Salad Greens, Marie's Sesame Ginger Dressing, Brown Rice. Dinner: Amy's Rice Mac & Cheese, Green String Beans. Snacks/Other: Snak Club Raw Almonds, Almond Butter, Almond Milk. more...
2665 kcal Activities & Exercise: Housework - 2 hours, Resting - 3 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Desk Work - 7 hours, Sitting - 4 hours. more...

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Comments 
Wow - great journal Ce. Good on you for recognizing what you did and for accepting that you did it. Love the reference of balancing out the 'overfull' emotions with 'overfull body' - as if you needed to build a dam before the flood hit. Food was your sandbag wall of protection. Take care of you so that you don't get caught in the family floods. 
16 May 13 by member: FullaBella
Thanks for the encouragement - and for the mental picture....flooding is a common thing at reunion time in the little town where we hold it every two years, so this image will serve me well. Lots of love,  
17 May 13 by member: Sweet Ce

     
 

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