FullaBella's Journal, 10 May 2013

SECOND JOURNAL (Hey, it's my birthday - I'm allowed an extra helping!)

It occurred to me the other day I am the epitomy of the 'self fulfilling prophecy' philosophy. This came on the heels of not being recognized by someone who'd not seen me since I began the weight loss this time. 100lbs difference does alter one's features; an unexpected cap doesn't hurt either.

For years my standard joking response to 'what do you want for your birthday' has been 'To be in the Witness Relocation Program.' For so many wasted years of my life I just wanted OUT of my life, of the responsibilities, to be somewhere new where no one knew me, had any expectations of me, and didn't know my history or baggage. I just knew with that chance to start over everything would fall into place.

It finally occurred to me this see-saw up and down the scale for four decades has yielded that exact result but I never recognized or appreciated it. While not as clean cut as Wit-Sec with the new social security number and name change there's no mistaking I've certainly been hiding in plain view for many years. Hiding behind my weight or lack of it. Hiding behind fear and lack of confidence. Hiding and proceeding with caution as to avoid drawing attention.

So realizing 'this' along with wondering about my body constantly regenerating itself as well, I have began specifically focusing on shedding that 'other me' permanently.

I am coming out of hiding. This is me world. Deal with it.

Talk is cheap. It won't be an easy process. Old habits are hard to break; new habits take time to form. Leaving a zone of comfort requires confidence and an absence of fear.

During my massage today I began meditating. Normally when I meditate during a massage I imagine my body performing fluid motions void of gravity in order to release the tension from my lower back. I used to imagine ice-skating or ballet dancing ~ it seemed so serene ~ but then recognized those both have a very tight back posture and I needed to relax. So I imagine swimming or ribbons flying in a breeze or similar flowing motions.

Today though I began an exercise wherein I envisioned myself looking down from the ceiling at my body on the massage table (as I was). The body on the table was ... average. About 150lbs. Just average. And as I concentrated and watched, the larger shell of me, the overweight, heavy shouldered, miserable, negative, fearful, doubting, hiding person... the shell detached from the body and left the table. In my meditation that shell stood, walked toward the door, took one last look at the new me on the table, and left the room.

It's time for a new life. On this day, the day I was born, it's time to be reborn. Life may not begin at 52 for everyone but it does for me. No more hiding out. I have decided I will fall to sleep every night and wake every morning repeating this process.

Thank you for reading.

Bella

Diet Calendar Entries for 10 May 2013:
1665 kcal Fat: 94.79g | Prot: 76.65g | Carb: 134.87g.   Breakfast: Bacon, Egg, Blue Cheese, Cheddar Cheese, Onions, Baby Spinach. Lunch: KFC Biscuit, Onions, KFC Chicken Strips, Cucumber (with Peel), Tomatoes. Dinner: Classico Creations Sun-Dried Tomato Pesto Sauce, Classico Basil Pesto Sauce, Baby Spinach, Schwan's Marinated Salmon with Grill Flavor, Smart Balance All Natural Rich Roast Creamy Peanut Butter. Snacks/Other: Fage Total 0% Greek Yogurt (Container), Schwan's Whole Strawberries, Schwan's Strawberry Supreme Frozen Yogurt. more...
1934 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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1 to 20 of 24
Comments 
Could be your best birthday EVER.  
10 May 13 by member: 2toofat
Wow -- That message seriously touched me. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey. Nothing but the best. Off to bed for me. Be back tomorrow. Sleep well. 
10 May 13 by member: deadcenter
Beautiful, Bella. I'm happy you had such a wonderful birthday. 
10 May 13 by member: crabby Kat
This is amazing. Just really encapsulates what this whole thing is about. Congrats on the transition to YOU. I so cannot wait to reach that point. HAPPY BIRTHDAY girl!! 
10 May 13 by member: seagull619
I can not express how touching this message is. I hope everyone on here can read this and be inspired to heal from within. With everything, no matter how hard you try, or how badly you think you want it, your mind has to be ready to accept it. We can all learn something from these words.  
11 May 13 by member: Vickiauntmick
Simply wonderful. Congratulations, and glad you had a good birthday :-)  
11 May 13 by member: shaz7140
Happy Birthday my friend...so glad you found the real you...cause you are a very special person..there is no other like you...smiling big time for you ....Congrats on all you have learned about YOU...:O) 
11 May 13 by member: BHA
After reading your first journal of the day, I didn't think your day could have gotten any better, but it did dramatically! What a wonderful meditation, and how far you've come, my friend! The weight loss is only a small piece of what you have accomplished and what an inspiration you are to all of us! I can only imagine where you'll be on your second going on 53rd birthday next year! xoxox 
11 May 13 by member: Ruhu
Oh, those beautiful, rhapsodic moments of release...that's what this is, and I agree, it IS a wonderful feeling! Happy for you, lady (((HUGS ))) 
11 May 13 by member: Baxie
Amazing Bella. I am delighted you had such a wonderful birthday. And even more delighted for you epiphanies. You continue to grow as you shrink. Awesome girl. You are finally getting out of your own way. As always I loved your journal. And the masseuse sounds like a keeper!  
11 May 13 by member: sarahsmum
Happy birthday Bella and congratulations on your rebirth.  
12 May 13 by member: riocaz
To your rebirth, Bella! Wishing you Happy Birthday and a ((((big hug~!!))) 
12 May 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
Happy belated birthday Bella! I wish you a peaceful year full of appreciating all of life's simple pleasures! 😊 
12 May 13 by member: Josie Ann
Happy birthday Bella! You're phenominal. I hope you realize the support and inspiration you give with baring your soul on a daily basis. I'm glad you're getting to a happy place.  
13 May 13 by member: cjmurph
What a lovely way to begin and end each day. I like the image of the old you getting up and leaving the room. How cool that our birthdays are so close - mine is today, the 13th. Birthdays have a way of making us assess and re-evaluate our lives. Belated happy birthday wishes to you :) 
13 May 13 by member: evelyn64
What a lovely birthday experience! I'm so pleased you had such a wonderful birthday! 
13 May 13 by member: CollyMP
Oh BELLA!!! I'm sorry I missed your birthday and this wonderful, magical, inspiring journal entry. Thank you for sharing it with us!! Wishing you, brand-new, little baby Bella a fulfilling life. I am seeing that more and more women are re-birthing themselves in to glorious, uproarious, gorgeous women full of confidence, self-love and acceptance... all of which lead those around them to follow that example. Happiest of New Lifes, dear buddy! 
13 May 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Sorry I missed it!! Happy Bday!!!  
13 May 13 by member: Rubie-sue
Thank you all - it was indeed an interesting weekend as I worked to hold on to my new identity or real identity or whatever it was, is, or will be. Thank you all for your kind comments and support. I'm blessed. 
13 May 13 by member: FullaBella
I think it's your real identity-you've kept it hidden for quite some time, but here it is! !'m so glad to see it emerge! That's right, let the old you get up and walk out the door. That's not who you are any longer, is it? It served it's purpose and now it's time for it to go.  
13 May 13 by member: CollyMP

     
 

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