Sweet Ce's Journal, 28 April 2013

After a four days of primarily juicing to cleanse my system, I am visiting my sister and her family. I should really know better - in fact, I DO know better. She's in chaos (as usual when there's a family event) over the first communion of her first daughter. The house, fine as it was, apparently just this past week needed to be re-painted and re-arranged, moving furniture and rugs from room to room. I have all kinds of judgments of her. But the bottom line is this: I'm not the mother of four, she is. As such, she gets to raise them however she sees fit. All I can do is try to hold on to myself, listen to myself, love myself.

So, I'm really glad for this site because I can still check in on my food in a healthy and grounding manner. I can say, "I've had enough of the chaos," go to my "room" and check in with what's really going on for me. I don't need to eat... and eating won't change what's happening either internally or externally.

So here I am, exploring what's happening for ME (not her, not her children).

I'm glad I did the juicing. I'm glad I've made friends here. I can remember (and when I can't I can look up) what they've said and shared. I can remind myself that I'm in this present moment.

So, here's the deal and anyone out there with words of wisdom, they are welcome but please don't judge me or her. We're good people who were given a crap example of parenting (which is why I don't want children of my own).

She gets on a bender... I mean, a real, royal terror tear. Whether it's Christmas, Thanksgiving or First Communion, and the whole house gets a major cleaning. They live for months with toys strewn all around, dishes pile up for a couple of days, the floors go unswept and unmopped, laundry remains in mountains in the wash room. And all of this because she has 4 kids who want to do what they want when they want. For years she and her husband put virtually no limits on them and then wondered why they were so hard to handle. So, she goes from crisis to crisis and has gained twice her weight since she got married. Her husband loves her but has no tools to help her or his children.

And when she's on these benders, she becomes so focused that any request or demand of her children because reason for her to fly off the handle. And if more than one comes at her, she's a nearly 6-foot, 300-pound monster yelling, screaming, threatening and red-faced rageous woman. She frightens me and I retreat to my bedroom in the basement. I can't imagine what this is doing to the children.

No, wait, I CAN imagine what this does to the children. This is what I was raised on. And it PISSES ME OFF!!! She was raised in this environment, too. She's perpetuating the cycle. Only, we were raised to keep quiet, to clean our rooms and to be polite when visitors were around. I guess there's progress in what she's doing by allowing her kids the freedom of self-expression. But her own expression ties my stomach up in knots.

I no longer drink alcohol so that can't be my "out". And now I'm being consciously aware of the food I'm eating so that can't be an escape either.

This is going to be a challenging week if something doesn't change.

Diet Calendar Entries for 28 April 2013:
1000 kcal Fat: 31.28g | Prot: 36.98g | Carb: 143.68g.   Breakfast: Mozzarella Cheese, Brown Rice, Portabella Mushrooms. Lunch: Orgain Sweet Vanilla Bean High Protein Shake. Dinner: Terra Sweet Potato & Beet Chips, Brown and Wild Rice, Mozzarella Cheese. Snacks/Other: Apples. more...
2303 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sitting - 9 hours, Resting - 7 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...

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Comments 
No judgements on anyone. From what I read it sounds as if she goes through avoidance and denial and then her rage is frustration. It's good that you have a safe haven for retreat. You're going to need it to take care of you this week. 
28 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Thanks Bella. It's as if simply putting this out to the universe, I was able to free up space within me and within my relationship to her. We had a long "sister talk" last night and she actually initiated the part of the conversation about her parenting. It was then that I could share with her my view and my personal challenges. It wasn't easy for either of us but we felt so much better afterwards because we'd been able to speak in a calm, loving and heart-felt way. 
29 Apr 13 by member: Sweet Ce

     
 

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