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Holy bouncing stress balls, Batman, has it really been eight months?
Why yes, it has been. Eight months of logging everything I eat. Trying to pay attention to what my body is saying - how it is reacting to food, activity, and stress. Experimenting with excercise, calorie restrictions, food balance, and everything for weight loss. Trying to find meaning and value in taking care of myself so that I can take care of others. It hasn't been easy. I have stalled. I have failed -utterly - for weeks at a time. But I logged it. I evaluated it. I learned from it.
In my past, I lived an unenviable life - I was married to an abusive, alcoholic husband. My children suffered alongside me and I was overwhelmed with personal guilt and self loathing. Our only escape was the weekend trips to care for my aging parents (also accompanied by a trip to a fast food restaurant as a reward for the kids). Before, daily stress caused me to give myself a "little treat", usually a piece of candy or some other food, for the things I was able to accomplish.
So, I got rid of the husband. I became accountable to my children and got involved in therapy for them and for me. I continue to care for my parents, but my responsibilites in caring for them has changed. I took care of the final item left from the divorce - I am now the sole owner of my home. I closed last Wednesday. And I am approaching 50 pounds lost and 50 years of age.
There are lingering effects from my past that continue to plague me and my children. The effects of my former marriage on the kids are profound and each copes in their way - or do they? My oldest son continues to struggle and is convinced he is a psychopath. No job yet, and he has shown little/no effort toward attending school. He has surgey on his hand in a week to remove a tumor that has been growing for nearly a year. It is troublesome and causes him pain. My middle son lives with headache pain every day. He overachieves. He is going to nationals for FBLA, is pursuing being a state officer next year and a national officer his senior year of high school. My youngest, my daughter, probably has ulcers. She has stomach pain and reacts very poorly to stress. She lives in the shadow of her brothers who are both larger than life characters.
Wow. That was weird to type. Very astute, but painful. It is hard to take the things that I think and write them down when they hurt so badly. I want to help my children, but I don't know how. My attempts to lose weight seem so superficial when I am looking into their faces and see the pain they have in their eyes.
So, where do I go from here? Thank God for Ruhu's daily reminder to pray the Serenity Prayer. I find I can only handle one hour at a time right now. When I think I have had enough, something else rears its ugly head. I have become resentful of the phrase, "God doesn't give you what you can't handle". I think it happens - you are sometimes tested past your limits.
The cheerleader in me tells me to soldier on - set new goals, concentrate on doing what you can, reach out and share. The pessimist in me asks, why? What has it done for you so far? I am worried that we are in a worse place than when my ex left. At least in him we found that one thing we could rally around and support each other in the midst of terror. Without him, we don't have that commonality of just trying to get through today and wake up tomorrow.
So, I do things that I can comfortably do. I have changed what I wear (thanks to my daughter) and that helps the external parts that the world sees. I have tabled my serious attempts at weight loss for the time being, choosing instead to just not fall back into old habits that lead to self sabotage. I will log my food and work at increasing my movement. Keeping it real and simple. I think I can handle that. The biggest thing I am working on is my family. That is where the need is the greatest.
Good luck Fat Secret buddies. This is my last journal for a while. They are too painful to type. I look forward to re-joining you in the future.
Diet Calendar Entries for 28 April 2013:
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1377 kcal
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Fat: 55.20g | Prot: 52.37g | Carb: 174.00g.
Breakfast: Taco John's Meat & Potato Burrito, Milk (Nonfat), Sugar in the Raw Stevia Extract in the Raw, Folgers Flavors French Vanilla Ground Coffee. Lunch: Tostitos Salsa Con Queso (Medium), Tostitos Baked Tostitos Scoops, Stokes Green Chile Sauce with Chicken. Dinner: K&W Cafeteria Baked Spaghetti. Snacks/Other: Fiber One Chewy Bars - Chocolate. more...
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3334 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Yard Work (gardening) - 4 hours, Driving - 3 hours, Resting - 9 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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