FullaBella's Journal, 27 April 2013

Saturday and it's still dreary outside. Must remember these cool cloudy days when our temperatures hit triple digits and I'm whining about the utility bills and my steering wheel melting.

My hunger came back but my appetite remains dormant. That should be one and the same but in the face of my daily mantra of 'when I am hungry, I will eat something I love' it became apparent I'm kind of bored with food. Nothing sounds good.

Last night I had grilled salmon & sauteed spinach for dinner but there was no mindful eating or enjoyment involved. It was more like 'look, kiddo, you gotta eat something so your hands stop shaking and you don't end up sick from the tylenol and ibuprofen on an empty stomach.'

This morning I had some cheddar cheese for breakfast with the same 'you really need something besides coffee' reason. I just sauteed shrimp in olive oil and mixed it with linquine and alfredo sauce for my husband for his lunch. In the past I'd have licked the alfredo pot clean but not today.

So for now I'm have steamed cauliflower and carrots while I cast about in my mind to think of something new or different but still healthy. I may snoop a few food diary's and see what the rest of the community is eating.

This is a very new experience for me to be bored with what I've been eating but not using it as an excuse to revert to pizza or burgers or junk food. I truly feel it is because I had decided this time around I would deny myself nothing as long as I ate it mindfully and in moderation.

This morning went shopping (blouses and sandals and makeup, oh my!) and recognized I was hungry. Normally I keep cheese and nuts in my bag for low blood sugar moments but I didn't carry a bag today; I'd only taken cash & driver's license in my pockets to minimize the financial carnage. I did not sabatoge myself by using that as an excuse to stop for 'fast food'.

So maybe this is an instinctual palate cleansing, an unexpected affirmation or just a new button on my confidence jacket that I am on the right path. I will continue to pray I come out on the other side of this on the right side of healthy.

A mediocre massage last night did little to help my neck so the OTC's continue for now. I was diagnosed a while back with RA and when the S word (surgery) got bandied about I said 'thank you but no thank you.' The only person I've ever met who claimed it helped them was the surgeons receptionist.

Besides, me, out of commission for surgery and recovery? Not gonna happen. You may as well tell me I just won a trip to the moon because I can't be out for that either. I'm not a martyr; I'm a realist. I had surgery on my knee in 2009 and managed to 'keep it elevated and stay off it' for about four hours before it became evident if my husband was going to have dinner I was going to have to get up and prepare it. I can't imagine voluntarily being flat of my back recovering from neck surgery.

In recognition of that I feel a little tacky to refer to a luxury like a massage as mediocre. However, I too agree a soothing massage can definitely benefit health so a non-soothing one makes it worse. I want to resume massages on a regular basis. However, while she's geographically and financially desireable I had stopped going before because she was frustrating me.

Just seeing me type such things is embarrassing but of all the things I do to take care of others I'm learning to pull on my Wrangler and take better care of me now too.

About the first 10-15 mins the massage I was growing so tense I thought I'd levitate off the table. I'll accept the blame because I did ask 'how is your daughter' before remembering she thinks I'm *her* therapist and used my question as a spring board to catch me up to date on four months of child custody - exhusband - new wife battles.

The thing frustrating me was she slid her hands under my back and just sat there as she yak yak yakkity yakked. I'd 'jerk' trying to remind her 'hey, my back is in your healing hands, do something' and she'd move her hand about an inch and stop again. Just her hands. Not the yakking.

So I lay there, my body jerking with frustrated attempts to give subtle clues that went unnoticed. Finally I found the strength inside me to acknowledge, 'Well, Bella, you started it, now fix it.'

I said 'I'm going to turn over on my stomach and try to zone out because I really need to relax and meditate a bit while you heal my back, ok?' and she finally shut up.

I'm truly sorry for her issues and the fact that she is obviously a very social person with the need to make conversation but I am a self confessed introvert surviving in constant chaos. I was deeply in need of meditation and a soothing massage. As my opportunities for 'me' time continue to decrease, I want to get my money's worth. Even in this one horse town with limited options.

Short of driving to The Big City we have to take what we get around here. I just don't know if it would be considered really RUDE of me to say 'no texting on your cell phone during my massage, please.' Am I just that old and persnickity that those things bother me?

Anyway. I'm going out this eve for dinner & a musical with my friend. I think the Italian place a few blocks away serves steak and that sounds good. We can walk to that and back to the music hall unless it starts raining (which it looks like it's going to do.. dark clouds in the sky).

Hope you all have a wonderful rest of the day. Thank you for reading.


Diet Calendar Entries for 27 April 2013:
1615 kcal Fat: 71.08g | Prot: 95.69g | Carb: 121.89g.   Breakfast: Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp White Cheddar Cheese Bar. Lunch: Schwan's California Blend, Dry Roasted Almonds (with Salt Added), Nostimo 0% Plain Greek Yogurt, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Wholly Guacamole Classic Guacamole, Cucumber (with Peel). Dinner: Pork Loin (Tenderloin), Sliced Ham (Regular, Approx. 11% Fat), Swiss Cheese, Panera Bread French Baguette (Side Portion), Riesling Wine, Chocolate Chip Cookies (Higher Fat), KFC Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, KFC Macaroni & Cheese (Individual), KFC Original Recipe Chicken Wing, Omaha Steaks Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo. more...
1944 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


You were were so pleasant as well as politely direct with your massage therapist. Good for you. And your foods you mentioned sound so healthy and yummy. Grilled salmon mmmm! Have a great day too and enjoy your musical! :D 
27 Apr 13 by member: SELouisiana
Well I have to say you are a better person than me..about getting her to get back to you...geez..some people are so dense...Would love to eat spinach..no can do..not good for the kidney stones I have..don't want to pass another one..not fun..Enjoy your time out..:O) 
27 Apr 13 by member: BHA
Some people can't talk and work at the same time and they don't realize that they should just shut up and work. My friend with the neck problems has the same thing and she is now on cortisone (don't know how to spell it) shots and they aren't helping much. Funny thing though, when my vet found out that my dog had arthritis he put him on gluclosomine shots and he is way better. I keep telling my friend that I'm going to get some big guys and hold her down and give her a few shots. Don't know why they do this for dogs but not people.  
27 Apr 13 by member: fatoldlady
You were certainly not out of bounds for how you felt about the massage therapist. You are paying her for her time and, even though it's clear that her professional ethics are lacking, you have every right to demand your money's worth - you shouldn't have to make demands but then, like you said, you don't have a lot of easy alternative options. In all actuality, you would probably be doing her a favor if you brought her unprofessional habits to her attention, assuming she has some common sense. Boredom with your diet can happen. I am a chef at heart so I am always trying new things and searching out new recipes to try so I seldom get bored from lack of variety. Maybe it's time to try a new food that you've never had before or explore new cuisines. There are so many healthy and wonderful things out there!  
27 Apr 13 by member: evelyn64
Sorry your massage was a bust 'cause you definitely need some good 'me' time. And I hope you were joking about her texting during your massage! It must be very frustrating to not have any choice of therapist. I think a bad massage must be worse than no massage. My BF and I have started going once a month, we go in the same room with 2 massage girls - BF likes it hard and thorough, I like it soft and soothing. WE chat for about 2 mins and then sink in and relax. Magic. I wish you could find someone else. Is it that far to drive to 'town'. Perhaps it would be worth it but the drive there and back might be more stressful. Hope the steak you are thinking of having hits the spot. It is difficult to be 'bored' with food and yet want to eat. Especially when you are trying to eat mindfully and only eat 'good' food. Another chapter in your journey Bella, you will figure it out and I look forward to sharing the journey with you, following your insights and aha moments. Who was sitting with hubby tonight? 
27 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
Sorry you are still not feeling well, and about your pathetic massage! You so deserve better, my friend! But as I'd expect, you handled it perfectly! Hope your night out is better & that that's how you feel tomorrow! Xoxox 
27 Apr 13 by member: Ruhu
Hi Bella, crapolla on the bad massage. It is good that you recognize you need lots of pampering. I'm taking cues that I need it too. Even if $$ is tight I can always just keep working and make more - who needs to retire anyway. Are you reading lots about how to help your RA homeopathically? Keep you in my thoughts girlie! 
27 Apr 13 by member: Neptunebch
Good job wirpth the massage therapist. I have an orthopedic massage therapist who is really good, but he yaks constantly too, in loud, gay, NYC yak. OMG. I usually just fall asleep which really annoys him, but I take my sleep where I can get it. Hope you get that trip to the moon one day. You can take your DH with you, in case he gets hungry. I hope you feel better and have a great day.  
28 Apr 13 by member: Helewis
I understand the conflict of being friendly with one's health practitioner - it's one reason I switched acupuncturists a few years back. But, and I hope this is a good reflection on me, my current acupuncturist is also friendly with me. Luckily, for me, though, she knows when to stop focusing and talking about herself. When we enter into the therapeutic environment, she stops the chatter, she knows that in order for her to be a truly effective healthcare provider, she must leave space for the therapeutic value to enter. Again, lucky for me, she knew this when I began seeing her. But maybe it once took a kind and generous patient to speak to her about this aspect. It's certainly not your job to train your massage therapist - but this could be an opportunity to be of service to her and others by the way you gently remind her to come back to the moment. You are an amazing woman, Bella, and she's lucky to have you as a client. You needn't be concerned with RUDEness - it's probably not in you to be rude. You do, however, have a sense of proportion and propriety....and generosity. So I'd encourage you to be generous is giving her feedback. You'll do it gracefully, I'm convinced. And, in the end, I hope you find ways to continue to nurture yourself. You do so well with others. 
28 Apr 13 by member: Sweet Ce


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