FullaBella's Journal, 25 April 2013

Well my ADHD won't allow more than a cursory 30 second search on the internet so I'm going to have to paraphrase. The great Jack Benny referring to playing the violin, "You have to practice a long time to even play badly." I recall him saying that in an interview long ago wherein he lamented to play the violin really well was a natural gift he didn't possess; that he practiced three hours a day just so he wouldn't get worse.

That pretty much applies to most things in life, doesn't it. You're either born with it or not. You can study and practice but you'll never be as good nor will it be as easy as 'The Naturals'. So how do we not give up when faced with that reality?

We practice. Every day. Maybe not all three hours; maybe more. But every day we have to practice and remember and stay dedicated to the thing we want to do even when we weren't born to it naturally.

Sure, I'm referring to eating right and attaining a healthy weight. But moreso, I was thinking about this today in terms of 'confidence.' Like the ability to play the violin, I think some people are luckily born with it. And I'll confess, I resent the heck out of them. In my own rationalization I want to tell myself they're mostly delusional because being confident does not come easy for me. Having my confidence shook at an early age has been a constant gut-check throughout life to know if I'm 'right' or 'just faking it hoping no one finds out I'm wrong.'

I truly believe this is the 'thing' to which I referred in my journal a few weeks ago. The Thing that keeps me wondering when I'm about to be found out, fired, or called on the carpet. The Thing that pushed me when I was afraid, forced me to overcompensate when I just wanted to rest, and keeps me off-center when I just want balance.

Confidence. If I'd been born with it, I'd have been able to maintain it despite my childhood. My friend tells me to try it on like a jacket; eventually I'll feel better wearing it. I argue I've been pulling it on for years and it never fit right. It's like trying to wear Chanel when my frame calls for Wrangler. I want to be calm and sophisticated but I always seem to be scrapping my way through life. It's exhausting.

Many of you are probably weary today after I brought you in for an unexpected trip to Bellawood. As I sat through another albuterol enhanced rage and rant I channeled several of you as I repeatedly prayed the serenity prayer while forcing myself to listen with compassion but not absorption. Despite my fists clenched in defense beneath my folded arms I listened without interrupting until the venting person sighed. Then I walked away, totally wiped out, head down, tail tucked, believing what I'd heard.

Then one of you met me in the kitchen, helped me pull on the Wrangler, spun me on my heel and sent me back. As I took a deep breath and zipped it shut like a suit of armor I began the conversation with 'Okay, I listened to you, now it's my turn.'

I was logical, not emotional. I was factual and compassionate and managed to avoid resorting to profanity or blaming. I said it the way it needed to be said right then, not written later in an edit. And by the time I was finished, I was confident I was not wrong. Not this time.

Was I heard? I think so. I'm a pretty fair guage of emotions based on decades of experience. It's a little chilly here in Bellawood today; I think I'll keep the jacket on just in case. I can always pull it off later if things warm up.


Today is my eight month anniversary of Operation Oatmeal so it's time to journal any changes noted since the previous anniversary and then include the ongoing list from the beginning. I keep and share this list as a motivating reminder to myself and others who find themselves with a long journey ahead that losing or gaining one pound at a time seems minimal in the big picture of life but it's important to recognize the small accomplishments along the way.

However .... I somehow managed to delete it from my computer. All is not lost as my list is up to date through my journal on March 25th but anything I've listed in the past month is gone. And yes, I checked the recycle bin. Gone. And now we know why I'll never work for NASA. So while the list for this past 30 days may seem a little short of recognition I am eternally grateful for the strength, support and encouragement I continued to receive every day. So here goes:

March 25 through April 24, 2013:
*Lost 6lbs; total 96lbs since August 25, 2012
*Fear factor breakfast of liver & onions; survived it but lost sanity points (oh well)
*Finally got birds for the feeders
*Discovered and made peace with my inner toddlers
*Standing longer
*Lifting more
*Working in my garden
*Eating intuitively; I still record but eat for hunger rather than to fulfill my RDI allowance
*Made more new friends and kept my really good friends here on Fat Secret - you folks are
amazing.

The ongoing list serves as my reminder that the little things weight and unhealthy eating took away may not have been so noticeable as they happened but getting them back has been
incredible.

2/25/13 through 3/25/13:
*Lost 7lbs bringing total loss to 90lbs since 8/25/12
*Continued exploring and discovering food I love vs foods I was eating out of habit
*Climbed up a ladder to work on windows - could not have done that in Aug12
*Chose to walk outside more ~ rather than driving short trips in town
*Recognized I'm actually outwalking my little dog (she used to drag 'me' four months ago)
*Avoided binging my emotions during a really stressful month
*Recognized there's more to feed than just our hunger
*Have moved my weigh in to monthly insteady of weekly
*Finally got birds at the feeders - yay
*Happily recognized more and more I am intuitively thinking about the quantity of food for hunger satisfaction rather than the total caloric estimate ~ not over eating just 'because the RDI total says I can'
*Spring flowers are 'sprouting' - yay
*Began eating more fearlessly with my mindfulness instead of prerecording my entire day
*Added sauerkraut to my breakfast with noted results (probiotics)
*Finally found and cooked Steel Cut Oats ~ like them
*Lab results on 6mo checkup much improved on blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure
*Continued to work daily on finding peace in my relationship with food
*Tried Chia seeds - love 'em!
*Recognized when I do have 'more food' some days, I'm not as hungry the next day ~ my body is driving my eating rather than my mind or cravings
*Think I may have a bit of 'foodie' in me as I recognize more and more how sensitive my palate has become as more junk clears my system
*Started making peace with my inner toddler
*Continued to make and keep great friends here at FatSecret and be inspired by every one of you every day.

__________________________________________________________________________________________
1/26/13 through 2/25/13
*Lost 9lbs bringing total to loss to 83lbs lost since 8/25/12
*Have a lap now ~ can rest a plate or book on it when sitting without a table
*Have NOT needed a two hour weekly massage to relieve pain in my neck and shoulders since Nov ~ my gosh, how much money have I saved??? Then again, a massage for the sake of a massage sounds good... hmmm...
*Have started returning to more 'standard' food without freaking out ala regular cottage cheese, mayo, and yogurt instead of that proverbial 'Fat Free' label and compromised taste with higher sugar
*However, did find 'Smart Balance' chunky peanut butter and it really has a great 'roasted peanut' taste - gosh, I hope that's not a synthetic chemical effect
*Found myself much more relaxed eating out now that I feel more confident about the food choices I'm making and enjoying them
*Multiple weird undiagnosible lumps on the back of my calves went away - have had those for 30 years - not sure if it's due to the treadmill, food, or just weird concidence or combination but nice to not look like I am smuggling golf balls in my ankles
*Gave up processed carb snacks (pretzels crisps, bagel chips) and still lived - better than that, nearly ten years of acne finally cleared up
*Can almost touch my forehead to the floor when I'm sitting cross legged on the floor - (am 6inch away) - could barely sit on the floor six months ago and needed a chair to pull myself up from the floor
*Actually run from time to time on treadmill at 6mph - no marathon but more than I ever thought I'd do
*Am not the hottest woman in the room anymore (haha) - I used to be so hot & out of breath I always needed a fan blowing on me.
*More of me, much much more of me, slips under the water line when I soak in my spa tub now - have had it for 5 years and always needed a wet towel on my upper body before to soak without getting cold
*Slid into a booth at a restaurant the other day confidently without slowly LOWERING myself and dreading having the table serve as my chest prop or having to move to a table with a chair
*Size 14 jeans (down from 28 or something with 3x on it)
*Stopped weighing myself daily and lived through it without going nuts
*Made some good progress on identifying screwed up thoughts that led to my poor eating habits (but you'll have to travel back in my journals to find them, LOL)
*Continued to be inspired and supported daily by the wonderful community here at FS
*Found myself wanting less and less sugar in my food
*Learned to really enjoy my precious CHEESE pleasure - Sartori Balsamic Yum!
*Not sure if it's due to my increased self confidence because I no longer feel like a fraud or decreasing weight discrimination or a combo of both, I get away with serving up more (and taking a lot less) crap with men. I know, that reads horrid but I run a business in a male dominated industry ~ I guess being stronger with what I put in my mouth made me a force to be dealt with regarding what comes out of it??
*Finally made the connection between quantity and quality and how overeating ANY food is going to keep me at risk for failure.
______________________________________________________________________________
12/22/12 through 01/26/13
*Lost 9lbs bringing total to 74lbs since 8/25/12
*Wearing jeans now six sizes smaller than when I started
*Wearing ring guards now because my fingers are smaller
*Upped calories, fat and protein; decreased processed carbs and lived to tell about it
*Survived a 3 week plateau without giving up
*Put up birdfeeders for Winter. Waiting for birds now. 2/25: STILL NO BIRDS :-(
*Discovered beef puts me in a feeding frenzy but tuna suppresses my appetite. 2/25: This is no longer true. Beef satisfies my hunger if it's not 'lean'.
*Learned new ways to make a sandwich without bread
*Started sleeping better
*Found new ways to have a crunch food without chips
*Added hummus to my healthy snacks and like it
*Jogged briefly on my treadmill
*Continued to be inspired and encouraged daily by my great friends here at FatSecret.


Year end 2012 wrap up -- not necessarily all weight related:
*Actually conquered cooking Prime Rib
*Grew a tomato & pepper garden in my back yard
*Went away for a 'resting' weekend alone - no working involved
*Managed business all alone and didn't run it into the ground
*Survived three of MH's hospitalizations without falling apart
*Became very skilled at administering IV therapy at home
*Birth Mother passed away closing a very sad chapter of my life
*Battled a family member legally and closed another sad chapter of my life
*Bought exercise equipment for the first time in my life
*Managed to use exercise equipment daily without fail
*Sanded my own sidewalks when icy weather arrived
*Cleaned and Organized the storage room
*Discovered I have artistic talent and decorating store display windows
*Paid all of my taxes early
*Grew my nails long naturally (but have since broken them off again)
*Stopped going to bad hairdresser out of habit
*Discovered how the flash card on my camera worked
*Learned to cook oatmeal correctly
*Decorated for Christmas for the first time in a decade
*Learned how to use PS3 for wireless, Netflix, Amazon
*Stopped being cheap with myself on things I wanted
*Earned the right to take Defensive Driving again thanks DPS



12/15/12 through 12/22/12
*I don't know how but I lost 5lbs this week, bringing total to 65lbs lost and putting me halfway to loss goal
*Bought a treadmill and have walked on it twice a day for 15mins; avg speed 3.5mph; six days in a row
*Discovered cough syrups and cough drops cause me constipation (at least now I know!)
*Licked the spoon of MH's Campbell's Cream of Chicken soup and was grossed out - was like licking a salt block!
*Discovered wonderful Sobe Zero Calorie Lifewater - Fuji Apple Pear is my favorite
*Went to bed instead of grazing after soaking in the spa tub (always makes me want to eat so I've been limiting that pleasure to only twice a month because of it )
*Realized I've only had acid reflux one time since starting this ~ cannot remember the last time I bought zantac
*Did not let a bad cold or bronchial infection from continuing to work on my treadmill habit forming goal
*Added Almonds to my snacks without freaking out at the fat content ~ good fat, good fat
*Tried Turkey bacon - didn't hate it but probably because it's been four months since any other bacon period
*Shocked someone who hadn't seen me since I started - obviously loss is noticeable
*Continued to make new and keep good friends, receive incredible advice and support, and learn how to work through old issues through this wonderful community at FatSecret


12/6/12 through 12/15/12
*Lost 5 more pounds bringing total weight loss to 60lbs since August 25, 2012.
*Can lift & cross legs without assisting them.
*Woke early (on purpose) to work out in the fitness room at a resort instead of Bloody Mary Brunch
*Survived the All you Can Eat Buffet twice in one weekend without destroying my RDI
*Developed within myself a phrase I now call 'Visual Fulfillment' (see Journal 12/10/12 if interested)
*Broke another spoke on my wheel of insanity (see Journal 12/11/12 if interested)
*Can now feel the bones in the back of my hands when I run my fingertips over them
*Was able to slide into a smaller size jeans
*Was asked by someone 16 years younger & 80 pounds lighter walking to 'slow down'.
*Survived a self image hatred attack and grew stronger
*Have to prop myself up in desk chair - I must now have less padding in MY seat.
*Finally connected that a craving indicates a desire to 'taste', not consume an entire 'serving'.


11/24/12 through 12/6/12
*Lost 5 more pounds bringing weight loss to 55lbs since August 25, 2012
*I can now wear a regular bath towel instead of a bath sheet
*Will not need meds for diabetes and cholesterol; healthy eating restored levels
*Had a Doctor tell me she was impressed; with my history of obesity that is indeed a rare thing to hear and experience
*Six people commented on my weight loss this week tho most of the credit this week was due to new underwear.
*Stood and worked on Storeroom over 5 hours of bending and lifting; impossible four months ago
*Continued to make friends at FS and be inspired more than ever with their experiences,
encouragement and support.
*I actually ate pasta and didn't have a guilt laden urge to purge
*Survived a couple of 'emotional' anger moments without binging; opened the fridge but walked away.
*Though a craving exploded to a binge I but didn't purge and got back on track with healthy eating the very next day
*Actually researched a treadmill online with really serious intentions to buy
*Made reservations for a weekend away and actually cared whether the hotel had a workout room rather than stocked minibar and midnight room service.
*Standing in line wasn't as painful as in the past
*Was able to bend down and pick a pen off the floorboard instead of having to step out of the car
*Twice I tried to get out of the car without unhooking the seatbelt (okay, that just reads idiotic regardless of weight but in the past it choked me so badly it was the first thing unbuckled before I even turned off the engine ~ now it's obviously loose enough to be an afterthought.)


8/25/ 2012 through 11/24/12:
*Lost nearly 50lbs
*Dropped 4 sizes in jeans and wearing pants with a zipper & a number rather than 3X
*Can stand over an hour now without pain
*Have more energy and confidence
*Have NOT STARVED or USED pills to suppress appetite
*Only one binge / purge incident and that was the first week
*Choose to walk more and park farther from stores when safe
*Can reach body parts easier as well as not feeling strangled by seatbelt
*Haven't suffered acid reflux at night once
*Am proud of myself
*Joined fat secret and met a lot of nice people and made some good friends
*Have found new healthy and delicious foods am confident I CAN do this the rest of my life
*Have lowered my fasting blood sugar from 160 to 110 without medication
*Am not fearing lab work check up due next week
*Am looking forward to doc visit - very rare as I hate the 'need to lose weight' lecture
*Have started taking stairs instead of elevator
*Have started treating myself with more care and respect
*Have found a nice balance between 'live to eat 'vs 'eat to live'
*Am looking forward to today, tomorrow and next 90 days.

Diet Calendar Entries for 25 April 2013:
313 kcal Fat: 6.07g | Prot: 23.35g | Carb: 42.88g.   Dinner: Chicken Broth, Bouillon or Consomme, 365 Organic Miso Broth, Schwan's California Blend. Snacks/Other: Nostimo 0% Plain Greek Yogurt, Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Spectrum Organic Ground Premium Flaxseed. more...
1944 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
I'm so happy you were able to give voice to your own SELF. What a truly "bella" woman you are. It's takes courage (a big heart) to take care of yourself. I'm so proud to say you are my friend. I love this especially, as it shows the maturity of a true woman: I was logical, not emotional. I was factual and compassionate and managed to avoid resorting to profanity or blaming. I said it the way it needed to be said right then, not written later in an edit. And by the time I was finished, I was confident I was not wrong. Not this time.  
25 Apr 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Ce - Thank you my friend. Yeah, this was a big step up from the last time when my response didn't go beyond four letter words :-) 
25 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
LOL-then this is bound to be an improvement! Good on ya for standing your ground! 
25 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
Colly - thank you too. My dear one rewrites history more than wikipedia; we all do from time to time. But today, no, I pulled out the original playbook and referred to the footnotes. Now if I can just remember where it is next time, LOL.  
25 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Well normally I would suggest stapling it to the forehead of the person that seems to forget the rules but that wouldn't be all Zen, would it? 
25 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
I am reminded of a line from Rudyard Kipling's poem "If".... "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you". Good for you for keeping your head. Kill them with kindness, I always say!  
25 Apr 13 by member: evelyn64
I'm "seeing" you in that jacket as I write... and my Angel, you wear it well! I am so happy for you because I know how great it feels to speak up for yourself with confidence, & you did so respectfully & compassionately -- you are amazing & inspiring! And, Happy, Happy Anniversary... 2 reasons to celebrate! xoxox 
25 Apr 13 by member: Ruhu
Wow confidence is as was hard to come by..I can really relate to that and you have over come quite alot..I also think with age we seem to not worry so much about what people say any more...Really I don't think people think of us as we think they do...They have their own lives to live and there is no time...Now the ones that don't have a life will make a point to let you know...Congrats on the 96 lbs gone forever...hope you sent them out to space to the aliens so they will catch them I think they are too skinny don't you...:O) 
25 Apr 13 by member: BHA
Happy anniversary! The time is flying by and see how good we look! 
25 Apr 13 by member: RiverRes
Love the idea of pulling on a jacket of confidence. I m certain that fashionistas of the moment agree one can pull off the chanel jacket with the jeans...maybe its not either or. I really like that concept and everyday I am reading about the wondrous moments of your life bringing you closer and closer to your goals 
26 Apr 13 by member: sharonfriz
I was just thinking yesterday, as I walked my pup through the woods something simialr to what you said, YOU: "But every day we have to practice and remember and stay dedicated to the thing we want to do even when we weren't born to it naturally." ME: I had a talk with myself, a new THING I wanted to quit doing, and logically thought, well how do I change this since I don't do it naturally! How do I stay dedicated to what I want to do or change. I think the more we ask ourselves that, ONE by ONE (one pound, one idea one realization) the pieces to the puzzle come together, getting us closer to SANITY. HAHA NOT! Your are on a roll. I love reading your journals. AND ADHD! HAHA, I have been up all night searching the web for one thing or another! I heard the birds chirping, then said, well, might as well get to work! Looking for the sunrise... 
26 Apr 13 by member: Lizzygracemusic
See, I disagree about whether or not we are born with confidence. I believe God gives us everything we need to survive and thrive in this world, including confidence. What happens is, somebody smashes it before it's fully developed. We are left to use something else God gives us to overcome and perfect what was taken from us...sometimes that involves a lot of introspection. For some, other measures are needed. But I absolutely believe it can be restored...and nothing breeds success like success itself. You are on your way. Build on your success, Bella...confidence is yours to claim. Ask me how I know :-) 
26 Apr 13 by member: Baxie
Congrats on such a massive weight loss. You have gained so much as you lost so much. Reading your monthly list of 'gains' is incredible. It is such a good idea to write all those things down because we have inspiration and then we forgot. So kudos on doing a great job reminding yourself. I am glad you believed in yourself enough to speak up, that is a little display of confidence and hopefully that little bit will grow. It must feel good within yourself to know you are right and to be able to voice that and to do it in a manner where it was heard. Congrats on so many levels Bella. Keep whatever 'suit of armour' you need, perhaps you should have a closet full of different ones and feel free to channel any of us any time, whatever works. Thanks for the reminder that we need to practice our goals daily, that that is the only way to achieve anything of value, to have a goal and to practice our strategies until we get to that goal.  
26 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
Evelyn - thank you. I just felt much better about how all that ended, mainly with me not feeling the need to apologize :-) Ruth, Thank you, yes, it was nice to speak up with confidence rather than emotions. Bren - LOL, I have no idea ~ are they naturally thin or does everything weigh less in space :-) Sharon - Thank you. Maybe my favorite seamstress could sew me a jacket with the word 'confidence' stitched in the pattern? Lizzy - my goodness, I can't remember the last time I stayed up to see a sunrise :-) Baxie - I agree we are born with what God thinks we need but we are not all born equal. But as you said, we can work on improving the things we need - or at least that's how I interpret it - and maybe we can find our happiness. Thanks again everyone. 
26 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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