FullaBella's Journal, 24 April 2013

While it's nowhere near as brilliant as yesterday I'm going to give this mirror & reflection journal another try. Monday evening I went for a mani/pedi. The wall across from the pedi-chair kiosk is lined with mirrors. I've avoided making eye contact with those mirrors for years.

Years ago I wanted to think they were trick mirrors. I covertly tested the theory using the other women sitting beside me but their 'real' life bodies and reflections looked the same. As much as I'd wanted to rule it was simply an 'angle' thing and being directly in front of it skewed perception, I knew it wasn't true. So I came to terms with the struggle between my delusions versus reality and avoided the reflection altogether. I just didn't want to look anymore.

Being a charter member of the 'avoid the mirror' club I'd long ago abandoned close scrutiny. I'd check 'areas' (face clean? hair reasonably tamed? blouse buttoned? pants zipped?) but I'd never really stare too much at the whole big picture. Otherwise you'd have never got me out of the bathroom.

But at one point, when I'd lost about 30-35lbs and was feeling pretty darn good about myself, I screwed up and caught my reflection in the plate glass window of the grocery store on my way in. What? How could I still be so huge? As light as I felt? As fast as I was walking? Really?

It was hard to not give up.

Monday night despite the pedi-tech complimenting me I still avoided making eye contact with the mirror. I'm working very hard to politely accept the recognition from the outside despite what I may critique from the inside but I don't WANT to catch another reflection of me looking bad. Not right now. No, thank you very much.

Years ago I when I lost a lot of weight I had a dresser in the bedroom with a triple mirror ( I can't think of the name of it but saying '3 way' just sounds kinky.) Anyway, I noticed depending on where I stood in front of that mirror I looked super thin or super huge. It was my own private little fun house.

But that was when I began to realize that our own judgements and perceptions rarely match what others see in us and vice versa. I can't control which angle people are seeing when they look at me. At that time my husband was complaining I looked too thin but a Doctor told me I needed to lose weight. All within the same week. Two different angles and perceptions.

I am more than a number or size on a scale. The mirror will never tell the whole story of who and what I am; I doubt even an X-Ray would be much more revealing. What I have to do is find the balance where I am happy with what I see whenever I finally work up the nerve to look. And little by little, maybe, I'll stop squinting and let someone take a photo. Maybe not.

Right now I need to wrap up my day so I can take Mushyface to the vet to get her a little mani/pedi of her own. She really hates that. We'll both be exhausted by the time they're done.

Thank you for reading.

Bella

Diet Calendar Entries for 24 April 2013:
1795 kcal Fat: 97.17g | Prot: 109.17g | Carb: 127.44g.   Breakfast: Bacon, Egg, Onions, Baby Spinach, Boar's Head Smoked Gouda. Lunch: Laughing Cow Mini Babybel Light Cheese, Refried Beans (Canned), Sunsweet Dried Pitted Prunes, Cheddar Cheese, Chicken of the Sea Premium Albacore Tuna in Water, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Planters NUT-rition Wholesome Nut Mix (Package). Dinner: Whole Wheat Bread, Mayonnaise, Deli Sliced Ham. Snacks/Other: Peanut Butter, Cottage Cheese, Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Spectrum Chia Seeds. more...
1944 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
Again, thank you. You have hit the nail on the head. I, too, refrain from looking in mirrors and one would be hard pressed to find a picture of me that is more than my face. But I remember being 70 lbs lighter than I am now and even then I was very aware of how huge I looked. So I am back at losing the weight that I lost...and wonder if I will ever be in a body that I would want to see from the outside looking in. I am truly comfortable with who I am inside. And I am more than a number on the scale but.....those glimpses of this body in a store window are truly hard to handle. Time to change that in any way I can.  
24 Apr 13 by member: CharleeSue
OMG.... you just described exactly where I am right now. You said " I'd lost about 30-35lbs and was feeling pretty darn good about myself, I screwed up and caught my reflection in the plate glass window of the grocery store on my way in. What? How could I still be so huge? As light as I felt? As fast as I was walking? Really?" You also said it was hard not to give up. I am on that teeter/totter right now. Feeling thinner, people noticing, wearing clothes that had been put away as I out grew them..........then I saw pictures from the recent bridal affairs of last month!!! How can I feel thin when my thighs still look like PETE ROSE and my tummy must be housing a new baby. What exactly kept you going and not giving up? 
24 Apr 13 by member: 2toofat
OMG I had this moment last night! I've lost a fair chunk, really, and my jeans are all loose, but...well there's no muscle definition in my middle, so I don't have so much muffin top as pillow top, I'm just squishy. I went into the restroom at the restaurant and was astounded by my bulges around the middle. I couldn't believe that I hadn't noticed how chunky I look in that top! I have other tops that are MUCH more flattering and disguise that mushy middle, why didn't I wear one of those?!?! GAH! 
24 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
I read something great on the dove site about a woman who was looking down an saw a gorgeous pair of tan thin legs and thought they were perfect ...exactly what she wished hers looked like. She raised her eyes to the mirror and saw they were her own legs...they suddenly looked pale and scrawny. 
24 Apr 13 by member: sharonfriz
We have a wall of mirrors at the end of the hallway that leads towards the bedrooms and you pass by the hall closet on the way with its two full length sliding mirrored doors as well - surrounded by your reflection. But I, like you, managed to walk that hall many times a day when I was heavier without ever looking at myself. In fact, I blame those years for putting me in the habit of always looking down when I walk anywhere. Even Oliver had to keep reminding me to "look up" when I was doing weights with him. It's difficult to learn to look at yourself - to accept what you see looking back at you. My inner mirror will forever be at least one step out of synch with what the outer mirror shows but at least the two images are working towards each other now. Ah, the multi-faceted conundrum that is our body - so perplexing!  
24 Apr 13 by member: evelyn64
You are so right, my Angel, that we are so much more than a mirror can reflect or the number on a scale or the size of our jeans! Thanks for reminding me! Xoxox 
24 Apr 13 by member: Ruhu
Thank you Bella.. That was DEEP!.... 
24 Apr 13 by member: BBD5
So much good stuff in your journals, Bella. Always. This made me think of a quote I read somewhere, and that I have truly loved ever since I read it: "You'd be a lot less worried about what other people think of you, if you only knew how rarely they do it!" :) We all tend to think a lot about how we appear to others, but I truly think that most people don't give a damn. I know I don't. If I see someone "funny" looking on the street, he/she will be the focus of my attention for a split second, then I move on, and they're forgotten within the minute.  
25 Apr 13 by member: kingkeld
Oh Bella, its so hard when we can't love ourselves, warts and all. You are beautiful. No matter what size you currently are. But all in good time, you will come to realize this when you are ready, as you have come to realize so much else about this journey, all in your good time. You have said before that you can read about things, and be told things but you have to experience things for yourself in order for it to 'stick' so I am sure you will come to love that lady in the mirror when the time is right. I love when people give me compliments - but I am secretly thinking 'thanks, but I don't believe you'. I think many women have blinders on about their own 'beauty'. And self worth. If we deemed ourselves worthy we would definitely be able to look in the mirror and enjoy the view. I hate looking into my own eyes, we are a funny bunch of ladies, aren't we? 
25 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum

     
 

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