FullaBella's Journal, 19 April 2013

Fried Brain Friday. The past couple of days have been the kind that just require me to put my head down and crawl in a fox hole to survive.

But I've crawled out of the pit and am ready to release the hounds by pouring it out in a journal. I hope to weigh 10lbs less by the time I'm done here so pack a lunch if you intend to read it all. If not, I understand completely.

The fourth conversation that began Wednesday with 'Now, I know this is going to hurt your feelings but....' threw me into total 'duck and cover' mode. I doubt nuns bow their heads more than I did that day; I even fell asleep praying.

Yesterday proved 'yes, all prayers are answered, sometimes the answer is NO' when I was wakened before 5am because the living room TV wasn't working. The TV is as important to oxygen to my husband; it is his main lifeline to the outside world.

Two hours of trouble shooting and web searches and I 'think' the issue is the 'lamp' is out and while I did 'order one' (and it came in today) I also 'called the guy' who's supposed to be here today (who just phoned and said 'w/in the hour) and I hope I hope I hope he's able to fix it. Otherwise I'll have to just go buy a new one before my dear husband loses his mind completely.

All was not lost yesterday nor today; we just relocated him to the bedroom for the day so he still has his Fox & Friends. It's been a fruit basket turnover of taking all the 'daytime living room medications and equipment' to the bedroom.

But then yesterday afternoon the AC stopped working. More trouble shooting and I think the unit 'froze' based on a misreading from the thermostat. In the four hours since starting this journal the service guy has been here, agreed with my theory, and there was no charge for the call because it's too cold to check the freon. That though came on the heels of wondering if it was out completely, being told yesterday (before begging) that it'd be Monday before they could do the call and wondering if I were going to need to relocate him again this time to a hotel suite (or else end up in the hospital if it did get too hot in here). So yes, a good thing after a very stressful thing there.

I dropped off more paperwork for my attorney this morning. I'm not sure who I'm going to have to go after - my realtor or the tenant she put in my building - but it's been a very stressful mess for six weeks now and is no where near resolved. There's probably about four journals of venting associated with that but other than a new string of profanity I can't think of anything to be learned from them so I can't muster up the energy to write about it.

I know - if I could just list all the good things in my life right now it'd certainly put these little naggy things in perspective and normally I do; just right now it feels like the bird of paradise is camping on my head after ingesting too much fiber.

Are any of these things food or health related? Of course. It's emotionally exhausting, draining, and leaves me feeling like a hollow shell. There doesn't seem to be enough spinach in the world to withstand it all. But so far I haven't 'eaten' to medicate. By sundown Wednesday I was thinking I needed a virtual AA meeting for all the imaginary shots of Tequila I wanted to drink. I just keep breathing and praying and meditating and trying to take it all in stride.

My Grandmother used to try to soothe my frustrations with 'the Lord never gives you more than you can handle'. I wonder if the Lord is waiting for me to throw a childish ranting kicking my arms and legs crying tantrum in the floor to determine 'ok, she's had enough.'

My body feels bloated today so for a sadistic grins I decided to step on the scale this morning and was up 5lbs. A nature call dropped it 3lbs; I don't know WHY I even did it but I'm sure it's just my body trying to pad me from all of the harshness around it because I sure haven't eaten my way up that scale. Probably that dozen or so colossal spanish martini olives I had (without the martinis).

But here was a thought I'd started in several journals over the past two days (that never came to fruition): I'm sick and tired of all of these labels and sizes and measurements and cookie cutter boxes life wants me to fit into! I'm an old lady and I've had enough!

I am trying very much to love myself unconditionally today, now, not later or in a few months. But the question is: WHERE do I draw the line between self actualization and surrender when the yardstick measure seems made out of play-do?

What is that 'voice' that asks me if this unconditional self acceptance is delusional compromise?

And, is maintenance all it's cracked up to be?? Now, let me be clear.. Yes, oh yes, great Fat Secret Goddess, yes I would like to lose another 20; love to lose 40 lbs without having to starve or exercise like a maniac, yes it would be wonderful. But then what??

The EWYL book asks 'just think of what you could do with that time if you weren't busy having to focus on food, losing weight, calories, etc.' Well, from all the press it's getting around here, it seems "Maintenance" takes just as much if not more effort. It's like a rut. Nothing changes. Most often when it does it's in the form of added weight so added frustration. So back to the drawing board.

After all, how can you devote time and energy daily to something TO NOT SEE A CHANGE without losing it? I'm not talking about me 'now' - I'm wondering about the 'me' I want to be some day. The thing is, I am envisioning me the way I am now but I know I'm still overweight and ... get the cycle of argument going on here?

Right now I can't help but equate my body to a pimple and despite that voice of logic saying 'stop picking at it' I just can't help but scratch it when I'm distracted.

So picking at the zit, I've been overthinking my daily intake and the breakdown of it. I seem to average about 45% 'fat' in the pie chart. It's the 'good' fat mostly - nuts, omegas, chia, flax, eggs, avocado; then there's the debatable fat - meats & dairy. My carbs average about 40% and that is from fruit & vegetables; rarely do I have any bread, rice, grains, processed stuff. So that leaves protein around 25%.

Point? Should it be more 33% all around? Is that the point of the pie chart? And why do I care right now? Why am I picking? I just don't know.

So what am I taking away from this other than dumping the past couple of days out of my head onto my journal?

1) Think about whether I need to and want to change the ratio's of my daily intake.
2) Love and accept myself unconditionally today.
3) Pick one pair of jeans as my measuring stick of maintenance and hope they never wear out.
4) Let everything else fall where it may.

If you read all this - well, bless you. Comments always welcome. Thank you for stopping by and enduring my rambling and everything else you accept of me.


Diet Calendar Entries for 19 April 2013:
991 kcal Fat: 42.77g | Prot: 56.83g | Carb: 94.07g.   Breakfast: Bell Peppers, Onions, Bacon, Sartori Merlot Bellavitano Cheese. Lunch: Butter, Cornbread (Corn Muffin) (Dry Mix), Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Breast. Dinner: Hunt's 100% Natural Diced Tomatoes, Schwan's California Blend, Schwan's Six Cheese Tortellini. Snacks/Other: Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Cabot Lowfat 2% Greek-Style Yogurt - Plain. more...
1944 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


Bella, you have written exactly what the reality of maintenance truly is: a lifetime of watching what we eat and exercising on a regular basis. It is not different from the weight-loss phase except you can "treat" yourself a bit more here and there. But, for me it is striking a balance. Lets face it none of us can relax and eat what we want, as that is what got us fat in the first place. It's like our finances; we budget our money and monitor our spending; so it is with our weight. It has to be managed on a daily basis to keep it in check. Not a fun or sexy truth, but those are the hard cold facts.  
19 Apr 13 by member: Josie Ann
Aw Bella-come here hon, you need a big squishy hug. ((((((((hug)))))))) At the moment, I think changing your way of eating may just be one damn thing too many. Possibly worry about that when the lawyers have all had their say, the A/C is fixed as is the TV. I have more response but just got shanghaied by the teenager. I am thinking of you and "holding you in the light" as my Quaker friends say, and I'll get back with you this evening after 8:30ish or tomorrow morning, OK?  
19 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
Hi Bella, yes you need a hug. It won't fix all the crap but it will tell you are valuable and loved. I wouldn't change anything with your 'diet' right now, like CollyMP said you have too much on your plate. If you can keep your sanity and not 'feed the need', just coast until the storm is passed. I appreciate you taking the time to journal right now as you are truly overwhelmed with stuff. As my MIL (English lady) says "Its enough to make a Parson swear". That always makes me smile. Do I have any concrete suggestions to make - sorry hun no I don't but you are a smart kid and will figure out your path if you can find space to breath for a minute. I can imagine your bathroom has had a workout the past few days, with you trying to find a quiet space to breath ('cause I know you do a lot of thinking in there). And the increase in weight, definitely the olives, salty lovely little buggers. Hang in there Bella, we love ya. xxxxxxx 
19 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
You sound like me! If I have learned anything over the past 3 years after I moved to a farm it's that things break, tenants are constant headaches, and stress will not kill us. I have looked at the sky I don't know how many times and thrown my hands in the air and yelled "OK ALREADY! I can't take anymore!" For some reason god keeps giving me more. My point? Don't add stress where it isn't. Don't play with your diet when you're not losing because of stress. Stress does create hormones that make us keep weight on. When you're not stressed then you can play around with things. As for the stress... I've found that I need a release when everything seems overwhelming. I either clean the house like a crazy lady, go to lunch with a friend, read a book that will take me away..smut does that very well, anything to take your mind away for a minute works. BIG HUGS! On the bright side you don't have a barn roof to replace, two tractors broken down, and a kid with a funky tooth coming out the side of her gum.  
19 Apr 13 by member: DairyFarmersWife
I find that going to 9Round and punching the stew out of punching bags helps alot! And I sweat like crazy doing it. Hope it gets better for you! 
19 Apr 13 by member: BeckyBaby65
Whew! I was worried that you hadn't written anything for a while...and now I see why - very good reason to do one thing at a time. The other comments here have all my support: hugs & "easy does it" is the prescription for you right now. I'm not entirely convinced that a full on rant wouldn't be in order, too. So, have at it, gal, you deserve some TLC, too. Self-care comes in many forms, and sometimes the best form is to say "nope, not today, I'm not gonna take on the scales - or the diet - or the exercise. Today I'm gonna love me like there's no tomorrow...'cause ya never know, sistah!" Sending love & light & some laughter - check out those fab cartoons you posted a while back and have a good laugh fest. If others think you nuts, that's their problem. So, here's my attempt to give you a hug and a laugh and lots of love: How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE! Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee. What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. 
19 Apr 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Well first off, I'm sorry to hear about all of your troubles as of late with the tv, etc. Life does like to pile it on sometimes, don't I know it. But it's all in our perception, I suppose. Look for the silver lining and all that. Weight loss and all its trappings surely does take over our lives. Even the conscious eating approach, though meant to make life simpler by freeing us from the counting and measuring aspect, still requires constant awareness which kind of ends up being just as difficult and brain cell taxing as the counting and measuring. So I'm pretty much convinced there isn't an easy answer - not even sure there IS an answer in the first place. The more we learn, the less we know! Hang in there buddy. This is life in all its glory. 
19 Apr 13 by member: evelyn64
I think a visit to the garden church is in order. Some peace. Some breaths without thought. Since we all know this journey is very long and twisty....maybe its about all the good thoughts you ve had and the evolution to be healthier.live healthier.think healthier .... no numbers involved. Pressure off.  
19 Apr 13 by member: sharonfriz
I only wish that I could put my thoughts into my journals like you do. It is very helpful for me to read yours and a couple of others that are so adept at journaling. Every time I try though I feel like I just don't make since. Not that it matters but I want to be productive - instead I just unwrap 10 pieces of Brachs candy and blow my WOE for the day. Thanks for being you Bella! Hope you get the TV and HVAC back in order before things get out of hand. 
19 Apr 13 by member: Neptunebch
Maintenance is tough..You are so right..you struggle and struggle and hope that there is no change..lol I have been in maintenance a long time now and it is just the same as losing for me. I guess thats why they say it is a life style change. lol Hard for me because I love love love food and my life revolves around food. Loving and accepting ourselves is so important. If you learn how to do it let me in on the secret. I am my worst critic. 
20 Apr 13 by member: chattycathy1955
Praying for you and your DH...Sometimes it seems things like that will happen all at once and its hard to absorb it all..A Big Hug Sweetie...:O) 
20 Apr 13 by member: BHA
Thank you all, my friends, for your kindess and understanding. As I wrote, when I can ignore the challenges by focusing on the gifts I have been given I do much better. Just every so often I lose my sea legs and feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of dispair. Venting it out in a journal this way and having my friends give me virtual hugs and support helps me unload so that I can move on and climb back in the boat. As of this morning the TV has been restored, the AC is still functioning as it should be, and the weight has returned to my last weigh in. I'm not sure if the latter is a result of unloading in the journal or not having martini olives or both :-) Nonetheless, today is another day to leave a better imprint on the world so off I go to give it try. 
20 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Good news to hear that things are returning to relative "normal". It is amazing how much we rely on things working a specific way - especially for those that we care for. My thoughts and best wishes are with you this week! 
20 Apr 13 by member: RiverRes
Glad things are better. It's good to unload every once in awhile. What a great place to do it with all your FS buddies supporting you and cheering you on! 
20 Apr 13 by member: BeckyBaby65


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