FullaBella's Journal, 19 April 2013

Fried Brain Friday. The past couple of days have been the kind that just require me to put my head down and crawl in a fox hole to survive.

But I've crawled out of the pit and am ready to release the hounds by pouring it out in a journal. I hope to weigh 10lbs less by the time I'm done here so pack a lunch if you intend to read it all. If not, I understand completely.

The fourth conversation that began Wednesday with 'Now, I know this is going to hurt your feelings but....' threw me into total 'duck and cover' mode. I doubt nuns bow their heads more than I did that day; I even fell asleep praying.

Yesterday proved 'yes, all prayers are answered, sometimes the answer is NO' when I was wakened before 5am because the living room TV wasn't working. The TV is as important to oxygen to my husband; it is his main lifeline to the outside world.

Two hours of trouble shooting and web searches and I 'think' the issue is the 'lamp' is out and while I did 'order one' (and it came in today) I also 'called the guy' who's supposed to be here today (who just phoned and said 'w/in the hour) and I hope I hope I hope he's able to fix it. Otherwise I'll have to just go buy a new one before my dear husband loses his mind completely.

All was not lost yesterday nor today; we just relocated him to the bedroom for the day so he still has his Fox & Friends. It's been a fruit basket turnover of taking all the 'daytime living room medications and equipment' to the bedroom.

But then yesterday afternoon the AC stopped working. More trouble shooting and I think the unit 'froze' based on a misreading from the thermostat. In the four hours since starting this journal the service guy has been here, agreed with my theory, and there was no charge for the call because it's too cold to check the freon. That though came on the heels of wondering if it was out completely, being told yesterday (before begging) that it'd be Monday before they could do the call and wondering if I were going to need to relocate him again this time to a hotel suite (or else end up in the hospital if it did get too hot in here). So yes, a good thing after a very stressful thing there.

I dropped off more paperwork for my attorney this morning. I'm not sure who I'm going to have to go after - my realtor or the tenant she put in my building - but it's been a very stressful mess for six weeks now and is no where near resolved. There's probably about four journals of venting associated with that but other than a new string of profanity I can't think of anything to be learned from them so I can't muster up the energy to write about it.

I know - if I could just list all the good things in my life right now it'd certainly put these little naggy things in perspective and normally I do; just right now it feels like the bird of paradise is camping on my head after ingesting too much fiber.

Are any of these things food or health related? Of course. It's emotionally exhausting, draining, and leaves me feeling like a hollow shell. There doesn't seem to be enough spinach in the world to withstand it all. But so far I haven't 'eaten' to medicate. By sundown Wednesday I was thinking I needed a virtual AA meeting for all the imaginary shots of Tequila I wanted to drink. I just keep breathing and praying and meditating and trying to take it all in stride.

My Grandmother used to try to soothe my frustrations with 'the Lord never gives you more than you can handle'. I wonder if the Lord is waiting for me to throw a childish ranting kicking my arms and legs crying tantrum in the floor to determine 'ok, she's had enough.'

My body feels bloated today so for a sadistic grins I decided to step on the scale this morning and was up 5lbs. A nature call dropped it 3lbs; I don't know WHY I even did it but I'm sure it's just my body trying to pad me from all of the harshness around it because I sure haven't eaten my way up that scale. Probably that dozen or so colossal spanish martini olives I had (without the martinis).

But here was a thought I'd started in several journals over the past two days (that never came to fruition): I'm sick and tired of all of these labels and sizes and measurements and cookie cutter boxes life wants me to fit into! I'm an old lady and I've had enough!

I am trying very much to love myself unconditionally today, now, not later or in a few months. But the question is: WHERE do I draw the line between self actualization and surrender when the yardstick measure seems made out of play-do?

What is that 'voice' that asks me if this unconditional self acceptance is delusional compromise?

And, is maintenance all it's cracked up to be?? Now, let me be clear.. Yes, oh yes, great Fat Secret Goddess, yes I would like to lose another 20; love to lose 40 lbs without having to starve or exercise like a maniac, yes it would be wonderful. But then what??

The EWYL book asks 'just think of what you could do with that time if you weren't busy having to focus on food, losing weight, calories, etc.' Well, from all the press it's getting around here, it seems "Maintenance" takes just as much if not more effort. It's like a rut. Nothing changes. Most often when it does it's in the form of added weight so added frustration. So back to the drawing board.

After all, how can you devote time and energy daily to something TO NOT SEE A CHANGE without losing it? I'm not talking about me 'now' - I'm wondering about the 'me' I want to be some day. The thing is, I am envisioning me the way I am now but I know I'm still overweight and ... get the cycle of argument going on here?

Right now I can't help but equate my body to a pimple and despite that voice of logic saying 'stop picking at it' I just can't help but scratch it when I'm distracted.

So picking at the zit, I've been overthinking my daily intake and the breakdown of it. I seem to average about 45% 'fat' in the pie chart. It's the 'good' fat mostly - nuts, omegas, chia, flax, eggs, avocado; then there's the debatable fat - meats & dairy. My carbs average about 40% and that is from fruit & vegetables; rarely do I have any bread, rice, grains, processed stuff. So that leaves protein around 25%.

Point? Should it be more 33% all around? Is that the point of the pie chart? And why do I care right now? Why am I picking? I just don't know.

So what am I taking away from this other than dumping the past couple of days out of my head onto my journal?

1) Think about whether I need to and want to change the ratio's of my daily intake.
2) Love and accept myself unconditionally today.
3) Pick one pair of jeans as my measuring stick of maintenance and hope they never wear out.
4) Let everything else fall where it may.

If you read all this - well, bless you. Comments always welcome. Thank you for stopping by and enduring my rambling and everything else you accept of me.

Bella

---

991 kcal

Fat: 42.77g | Prot: 56.83g | Carb: 94.07g.   Breakfast: Sartori Merlot Bellavitano Cheese, Bacon, Onions, Bell Peppers. Lunch: Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Breast, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Cornbread (Corn Muffin) (Dry Mix), Butter. Dinner: Schwan's Six Cheese Tortellini, Schwan's California Blend, Hunt's 100% Natural Diced Tomatoes. Snacks/Other: Cabot Lowfat 2% Greek-Style Yogurt - Plain, Schwan's Triple Berry Blend. more...

1944 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...