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50 pounds lost!
I did it! I’m a third of the way to my ultimate goal. It actually didn’t seem that hard in hindsight. However, I know if I had a time traveling machine, my past self would smack my present self just for saying that as there were TONS of hurdles and old habits to get over in the beginning. Hmmm… I just remembered there is a commercial on TV that seems to echo this past-self/future-self scenario, but I didn’t see any smacking going on…
Heck, I’m still having constant struggles (Hello there, Carbs!), but they seem easier as now I believe that I’ve proven to myself that I’m strong enough to not revert back to my old ways. Around the 30 pound mark I was beginning to question if I would be able to pull it off (I believe everyone has met the self-doubt monster). Every time I’ve lost weight before, I got stuck around this number… or, I should say I stopped around this number? Usually, it was because the event I was losing weight for was over. Now, I don’t really have a particular event, I’m just doing it for myself. Even though I still have a ways to go (100 pounds), I feel better prepared mentally to actually make it all the way this time.
You know, I wish I had a photo of me at my highest weight. It would be great to have a before-after picture to show people (if anyone is ever interested). However, I avoided cameras for a loooong time. You know when you were younger and you learned about fire safety? Stop, drop, and roll? Anytime, I heard someone say, “OK everyone! Get together!” my body would automatically stop, drop, roll, and crawl to the nearest exit. In all actuality, I would find something to do. (“Oh, let me take the picture!”) So, for the future, I vow to be in front of the camera… even though, um… I may still stay behind a friend or plant…
I physically feel better. What a relief! It is odd how ordinary, mundane things for people would tire someone who was over 300 pounds. I realized the other day when washing dishes that I wasn’t leaning on the countertop while washing them. Really? Washing dishes made me so tired that I couldn’t stand up before? AND Where I work, there is about 50-100 yards (dependent upon parking space) from my car to my cubicle on the second floor. I used to go out of the way to take the elevator up to the second floor, and would still be somewhat winded when I got to my desk. Believe you me, I once walked with a coworker from my car, up the stairs, and to my cubicle (while talking the whole way – which somehow made it worse). By the time, I got to my desk, I was so embarrassed because I was breathing so hard. Note: cubicle walls are not 300lb-woman-hyperventilating sound proof. I went to the restroom just so I could take deep breaths and not confuse my fellow coworkers… “Was someone chasing her?”
This may sound vain. I look prettier. The fat on my face isn’t weighing so heavily that I look like I’m in a constant frown. By the way, someone recently told me that I was glowing. Great compliment, right? I’ve found myself taking more time in the morning getting ready for work (really fixing my hair, picking out jewelry, actually ironing my clothes and the like). Before, I felt like I wasn’t worth the effort to doll myself up and look presentable to society. Through this gradual transition, I also noticed something very disturbing about my old habits. Whenever I was in front of the mirror, I never looked at my face. Sure, I would glance up to see if my hair needed brushing, but usually I was so intent on staring at how my body looked in my clothes. And, most times that staring was with disgust. Did I mention that I didn’t feel worth much? Now, I make an effort to look up in the mirror and stare at my face… or, really, stare at me. I’m trying to become friends with myself again. I no longer feel disgusted about myself. Not that I truly ever was disgusted about my actual body shape. I’ve since learned that I was disgusted about my lack of drive and commitment to being the best I could be.
So! Onward and forward! I truly don’t believe that I could have done it without FS and these wonderful people I have “met”. Thank you, buddies. I thoroughly enjoy reading your journals as I feel as though I’m not alone on this journey.
I look forward to the next 50 pounds lost!
Goals / Hopes / Anticipations for the next 50 pounds…
- Follow my diet plan more closely (1400 cal max, 75 carb max)
- Incorporate exercise (weight lifting, cardio, walking, stretching)
- Eat breakfast
- Take vitamins and medicine regularly
- Go to my PCOS doctor (haven’t been back since I got the bad news last year)
- Start my day earlier and go to sleep on time
- Work in the yard this summer (heard it was therapeutic)
- Spend more time appreciating myself
- Become friends with myself again
- Oh, and be in front of the camera instead of just behind it
Diet Calendar Entry for 17 April 2013:
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1885 kcal
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Fat: 120.55g | Prot: 86.89g | Carb: 114.35g.
Lunch: Fresh Selections Shredded Carrots, Hellmann's ANCHO CHIPOTLE SAUCE, Tomatoes, Cheddar Cheese, Grilled Chicken, Lettuce. Dinner: Kroger Carbmaster Carrot Cake Yogurt, Broccoli Salad, Hidden Valley Ranch Salad Dressing, Eating Right Peeled Baby-cut Carrots, Mushrooms, Grape Tomatoes, Lettuce, Cheddar Cheese, Rice Casserole with Cheese. more...
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