FullaBella's Journal, 15 April 2013

Monday, Monday, Monday. A new week. A fresh start. Blah blah blahditty blah.

Give me back Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Yesterday was filled with fabulous weather so I spent as much of it as possible at the church of Bella (my back yard) and tithing at the alter of Lowes.

Seriously, I shopped the entire weekend like I'd just won the lotto. I'm crazy frugal (translate: cheap!) so I rarely do that but you'd have thought someone had just revealed the expiration date on my life and my last wish was to die flat broke! I wasn't just shopping, I was Super Shopping!

Digging in my rose garden I piddled around mentally inbetween watching the birds and trying not to chop off my toes and thought about my super shopping in combination with super heros.

Oh, by the way, I FINALLY GOT BIRDS!! Yes, those chubby little chirpers are swooping in, grabbing goodies and making me smile. Even those big pigeons who are a little heavy for the feeder so they choose to clean up the overflow on the ground TAKING the grass with them (ugh) are nice to watch. A little nature in my life.

At first I named them 'The Marx Brothers' and then 'The Three Stooges' but it doesn't seem to matter what I name my finicky little feathered friends they always fly away when I try to pin their name badges on them. Dang.

But back to the super heros. Here's a few of mine:

Mighty Spouse: created a beautiful backyard her dear husband actually walked out to enjoy (first time he's been outside of his own volition in over a year) and labeled 'a little slice of heaven on earth' this morning. Took a little bow internally.

The Nibbler: managed not to melt down or or climb the soapbox of healthy eating when offered a 'breakfast burrito' at the golf tournament on Saturday; just accepted it graciously, nibbled around until no one was looking; ditched it, and moved on.

Brilliant Babe: queen of ingenuity and work arounds. Shepherd hooks 3 feet too short? You draw your own conclusions.

Karmakin - when the huge hen refused to roast as quickly as calculated I feared my plan to go to Lowes would fade as my Sunday shopping ambition has a very short shelf life. I muttered to Karma 'you owe me' ... and it repaid. When I returned with so many items it took 12 trips to unload the car Karma helped keep my dear husband napping. Had he been awake I'm sure some comments would have ensued.

The Queen of my Superhero's though is Rationale Woman. I know I should be sitting here in complete chagrin at paying triple digits for a pair of jeans but I'm not. I rationalize after seven months of thrift store jeans I deserved a pair of pricey jeans to celebrate my wearing...... wait for it .. size 10!

Okay.. settle down.. I really think this is a vanity sizing. Otherwise those thrift store denim shorts hanging in the closet would fit but even at size 16 they continue to elude me. It's just a number, just like that scale. The bottom line is they (the outrageously expensive jeans) are pretty. And soft. And I liked them.

Oh, speaking of the scale, I have determined despite going about my days as obtuse as possible to avoid having to recognize things that irritate me, I'm incapable of ignoring the 'weigh in now' link at the top of the fat secret website. Just can't do it. And continuing to record a fake weigh in is going to be confusing if I look back later and forget to check my journals for footnotes. It'll look like a big loss in a single week.

So starting yesterday I WILL weigh weekly to keep the FS Link Goddess happy. So today's weight is yesterday's weigh in; a real one. All those other weigh ins were cropping up because of the challenge updates.

I knew or felt I'd lost pounds and mass as the clothes were getting looser too. Obviously the scale agreed. So I am now 4lbs away from my 100lb loss goal reward of racing my grandson at go-karts.
Don't tell him though ~ I'm still stuffing him with cookies to get our weights closer to even; he still needs to pack on 5lbs while I lose my last 4lbs so I baked triple chunk chocolate cookies yesterday. 'Come here, sonny ... Nana's been baking...' That witch with the gingerbread house had nothing on me.

Food related? Of the things with which I still disagree from the mindful eating book the one I argued most and later converted has been so beneficial. I guess that's like a 'lesson learned' thing - it makes more sense than when we blindly follow along.

That would be the 'quantity' regardless of the 'quality'; i.e., not eating to 'over full' regardless of how healthy the food.

Oh, I'd argued. And rationalized. And argued some more. "Hey, there's nothing wrong with my 10 gallon salad .. it's all vegetables..never apologize for vegetables .. the body burns more calories processing them than they contain...." blah blah blah.

My powers to rationalize are indeed super heroic.

But once I finally accepted that to continue to eat to 'overfull' even when the consumption was healthy was setting myself up for repeated failure ~ it was as if someone finally replaced the bulb to the path of enlightenment.

I know I journaled about this 'aha moment' already but it's been a couple of months of 'living' it to recognize how instinctive the process is becoming.

When I am preparing my meals now I no longer start thinking 'how much can I have' ... I think 'how much do I want'.

Instead of thinking 'do I have room in my RDI' I think 'do I have room in my stomach?'

I realized I'll eat far fewer pistachios if I just take a few in my hand rather than eat to consume 'a suggested serving.' And if I've nibbled and sampled my way through the preparation of Sunday dinner, I don't need to prepare 'a real plate' for myself if I'm no longer hungry. Additionally, if that roasted fat skin of the chicken looks good, have it, as long as I'm eating to fulfill hunger.

Just be prepared to walk away from other shoppers quickly or clear the aisles as it seems the skin of a chicken causes gas. TMI?

Friday night an experience reinforced this process is working. I was physically 'cold' and when a hot shower didn't warm me I thought a bowl of hot oatmeal would even though I wasn't hungry - not by a long shot.

I was wrong. It made my stomach hurt until it I felt sick. Not guilt sick. Not remorse sick. Not, gee I blew my RDI sick. Physically sick.

Next time I'll remember to try a hot broth or hot water with lemon. It's obvious my body won't let me comfortably eat to being overfull like that anymore. Even when it's a healthy food.

In the past, whenever I was trying to lose weight and existed in a constant state of caloric deficit and restrictions along with the '10 gallon salad' mode, I'd resort to 'binge' whenever I felt I'd denied myself 'the other stuff' too long.

A purposeful binge was 'I'm going to eat everything fried, sweet, junk and fast food related I've been denying myself because I'm going to purge it.' I'd have eaten an entire pizza, half gallon of ice cream and whole package of cookies. And that would be just for starters. Half pound chocolate bars, with peanut butter icing come to mind, as memory serves. I gave a whole new meaning to devils food cake.

But now? There was pizza on the buffet at the golf tournament; no desire. If I'm denied nothing, I can't crave it with frustration. And after a couple of months of paying attention to the quantity and learning that my body really can't take that much at one feeding, I feel I have a handle on it. A grip in a way I've never felt before.

And that's a good thing. I need a catchy name for my 'Mindful Eating Super Hero'. Suggestions?

189.0 lb Lost so far: 96.0 lb.    Still to go: 9.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entries for 15 April 2013:
1294 kcal Fat: 55.55g | Prot: 101.52g | Carb: 104.70g.   Breakfast: Bacon, Onions, Baby Spinach, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Bell Peppers. Lunch: Chicken, Whole Wheat Bread, Kraft Stove Top Chicken Flavor Stuffing Mix, Chicken. Dinner: Sartori Merlot Bellavitano Cheese, Bacon, Bell Peppers, Cucumber (with Peel), Onions, Baby Spinach, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Turkey Breast Meat, Tomatoes. Snacks/Other: Cabot Lowfat 2% Greek-Style Yogurt - Plain, Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Cottage Cheese, Spectrum Organic Ground Flaxseed, Spectrum Chia Seeds. more...
1944 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...
on diet Make Peace with Myself   losing 5.0 lb a week


LOL-yes, I went into Home Depot and Sears yesterday with a credit card. I came out with two big plant pots, 2 lavender bushes, 16 alyssum, a bag of weed and feed, a hose, a hose reel, a spray nozzle, a garage light and a 4 spout head for the outside faucet. And yet! I argue with myself about buying some moisturizer. *smacks forehead* No suggestions for the Mindful Eating Super Hero, sorry! 
15 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
PS-I don't think you should feel at all guilty about buying a premium pair of jeans. You reached your goal, you deserve a reward! 
15 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
Super hero name... hmmm. How about The Mindful Masticator? Good job with your success at conscious eating and staying in control at the golf tournament. And congrats on the nice loss and getting into the 180's! Awesome :) 
15 Apr 13 by member: evelyn64
I think she should be called "Bella the Great"  
15 Apr 13 by member: 2toofat
Love it..The Mighty Bella..she strikes again...Way to go girl...:O) 
15 Apr 13 by member: BHA
15 Apr 13 by member: banana27
@Colly - I'm the worst! I'll scrape the inside of the toothpaste getting every last drop and will stand for hours calculating the 'per unit' cost of something to determine if the economy size is a good buy or not but this weekend.. oh no... 'we don't need no stinking budget..' You know, I DONT feel guilty at all about the jeans. I keep trying to summon it up but every time I look down at them or rest my hand on my thigh I know I made the right choice. 
15 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
@Evelyn - thank you my friend. I'd only stopped by the tourney because I was the 'hole in one' sponsor and wanted to see if anyone had won a car. They didn't. Darn. But thank you; yeah, I'm trying to be a little more civil when people shove junk food at me.  
15 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
@Sandi & Brenda - good ideas but I'm thinking more like 'The Princess of Portion Control' or 'Phantom of Food'... something that requires a cape & maybe a mask :-) And some really cool tights made of shiny spandex. I even googled 'top superheros' and all the cool names are taken LOL. Hey, how about Forkmaster? LOL 
15 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Food Yogi Bella-sama, with whisper-soft yoga clothes, a glowing Aura of Peaceful Mindfulness cape, and henna tattoos disguising your face. You are magnificent, my buddy. I love your church, even if I haven't seen it; love the idea! I used to say I was closest to God when I was climbing mountains... 
15 Apr 13 by member: crabby Kat
I am so picturing a Zorro look in nice soft $100 jeans (purchased at Lowes) LOL 
15 Apr 13 by member: 2toofat
That's a church I could get into! The fam and I just moved a yard of dirt from the truck to the raised beds in the back garden and filled in holes where a tree stood last year-this church demands a bit more than sitting and listening! 
15 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
I do relate to the quantity of food eaten in one binge sitting. Thanks for sharing so honestly.  
15 Apr 13 by member: Sweet Ce
The "weigh in NOW" alert truly is a bugger! I don't want to weigh in every 7 days, but it just keeps shining at me and nagging me, so I feel compelled to weigh in now! I guess it's doing its job, but I wish I could turn the bloody thing off. Always enjoy your random thoughts. 😊 
15 Apr 13 by member: Josie Ann
Firstly, congrats on the weight. That is fabulous, I hope you are just a bit proud of yourself. You have 'gained' so much while you lost so much. I don't know where to start to comment on your journal so I will just say that as always I enjoyed sharing moments of your life. I am pleased you bought yourself new jeans, you definitely deserved them. I am pleased your husband liked your handiwork in the backyard. And its great when the birds come back, I love the sound of twittering birds. You are learning so much on this journey Bella, you almost need a notebook in point form of to refer to, because goodness knows my memory is bad and I can't remember everything I learned. Actually that's a good note for myself too :)  
16 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
Again, and as usual, your journal is amazing!!  
16 Apr 13 by member: Rubie-sue
I saw your weigh in and was so thrilled for you. 4 pounds....You have lost 96 pounds!!!!!!!! I love your journey...you are doing so well. It seems like yesterday you were hovering at 200. I think your new jeans are a fantastic celebration . Everything you are learning and sharing is an amazing enceouragement.Enjoy your lovely oasis in the yard. That's a gift too. 
16 Apr 13 by member: sharonfriz
@Kitkat - aww... henna tattoes huh? I think all we'd need to do is connect the freckles, LOL. @Sandi - you know I love wearing black so this pastel thing is a new side of me and not just because of thinner because I've been thinner. It's a new phase. @Colly - welcome, have a seat and enjoy the silence prayers of my church @ Ce - I know, I feel the more I confess, the less I have to hide @Josie - yay, not just me. I felt the same like 'ok, you don't really record your food or weight anymore.. what are you doing here?' I like the journaling and inspiration but I think the 'regime' is keeping me honest? @Isabel -thank you. You know, I once went back and read my journals from the beginning - it's amazing some of the things from which I've turned almost 180 degrees. It's all a learning process for me. Hopefully I'm keeping the best lessons with me. @Rubie, thank you my friend. I'm pleased you enjoyed it. @Sharon - you know.. I have lost a manicurist (the lady at my salon only weighs 90lbs.) I did actually cry (joy) this morning giving thanks for all the gifts I've been given in just the past month (flowers, continued health, spring!). Thank you all. 
16 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Oh I'm so glad you're still here-I'm hoping the journal process helps me dislodge some old crap from the corners of my mind and sweep the place out, make room for new, better things. Your journal has already clarified so many things for me, made me rethink some ideas, presented me with brand new ways of thinking that had never lit up my mind before-I could go on and on, but YOUR journey chronicle has meant a lot to me just in the short time I've been here. I'm so SO very happy for you! You inspire me and motivate me and make me laugh and smile and nod along.  
16 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP


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