lemonella's Journal, 09 April 2013

This isn't about dieting or weight loss, but fatsecret is the only social networking site I bother with these days.

-:-:-:-

I'd been feeling rather hopeless, even though I was meeting weight loss goals, exercising regularly, not struggling with food options, and all of that... But I still don't like what I see in the mirror, I still feel useless, and to make things worse, my old back injury started to flare up violently. For a couple of days, I couldn't lie down or sit back up without help. It was humiliating. I'm thirty-four, far too young to need that sort of help.

Yesterday, after we'd made our first foray into yogurt-making, I tripped over a link to a memorial for Adam Adamowicz, a brilliant concept artist who passed away last year. I looked through the slideshows, recognizing much if not all, and reading through the stories his coworkers told about his life. The things they said are the kinds of things one wants to have said about them when they die (as opposed to what is being said about Old Maggie Thatcher), and once again I bitterly regretted not throwing myself into my sketching and painting back when I was young, for wasting natural talent.

And for awhile, I talked myself out of even trying to get back on my feet, or even trying out a sketch to see if I really am hopeless. Maybe my ability decayed from disuse. Why bother dreaming if that's the case? So I grabbed the nearest pen, old and prone to shooting out excess ink at exactly the wrong moment, and drew the head of a very dopey man. And then another, and another.

I think half of me was dead-set on sabotaging myself, and the other half was scared to death that I really had lost my knack. The latter half won out in the end, and now I have proof that I've still got it.

Give me more than the back of a wrinkled envelope and a busted-up Bic and there's nothing preventing me from being as skilled as Adam Adamowicz.

Well, other than me.

Diet Calendar Entry for 09 April 2013:
1739 kcal Fat: 133.56g | Prot: 102.83g | Carb: 31.84g.   Breakfast: Cream Cheese, Dry Roasted Sunflower Seeds (with Salt Added), Market Basket Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese, GG GG Scandinavian Crispbread (Original), Lemonella's Homemade Greek Yogurt. Lunch: Snowpeas (Pea Pod), Mushrooms, Butter, Steak (Lean Only Eaten). Dinner: Egg, Cucumber (with Peel), Dry Roasted Sunflower Seeds (with Salt Added), Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise, Grippo's BBQ Pork Rinds. Snacks/Other: my english breakfast tea. more...
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Go for it chicky - you never know how much enjoyment you are missing if you don't. Creating (in any medium) is such a great thing to be able to do. And don't worry how you feel about the looks of something right now. Make it, put it away for a while and come back to it. You might find that you really love it after that. As a side note - I got a message from my cousin yesterday about a little painting I made years ago (early teens I think). It is a silly little oil painting on canvas of flowers and petals in the wind. I gave it to my Aunt as a present because I rarely keep anything I make. Anyway, my cousin let me know that my Aunt let her have it because she loved it so much. It now sits on my cousins desk at her job. You never know what others will like or not. Don't worry about it and just make what you feel like making. 
09 Apr 13 by member: DarleneW101
Why are we always our own worst enemy???? We know we can do things, we want to do them, but we still hold ourself back. Out of fear? Fear of what? Try to jump over your own shadow & do it. Then sit back & find out how it made you feel. We all deserve to feel good :) 
10 Apr 13 by member: schmetterling34

     
 

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