FullaBella's Journal, 08 April 2013

I'm not sure how to tie this all together into a tidy logical journal so read at your own risk but please proceed only after taking in a large helping of patience.

I don't like being told "NO".

The phrase 'Everything in Moderation' is a trick or the word 'NO' would not exist. So what's the answer?

Who's bright idea was it that binging on an addiction was the cure? How many times have we seen that on TV shows? The kid get's caught with a cigarette, beer, chewing tobacco, you name it and the parents force them to take in huge quantities of it; in the half hour wrap up the experience itself proves to be the antidote.

So let's move on to food. When was the first pie eating, hot dog eating, finish the 24 oz steak & get it free contest? Who's bright idea was it to award the person who could 'take in the most'?

Weren't THEY wondering if that conflicted with the Everything in Moderation theory?

Some of us can't be 4 mile a minute runners nor possess the ability to dunk a basketball. Some of us are just normal dumpy clutzy schmucks trying to make it through the years and find the thing at which we can excel.

Where's my prize for eating an entire Domino's Deep Dish Supreme Pizza, a complete half gallon of Bluebell Tin Roof Sundae Ice Cream, and an entire bag of Chip's Ahoy cookies in one setting? Does it only count if it's at a County Fair with a crowd watching?

For every 'NO' - there is a 'Oh yeah? Watch me.'

It's not just me.

Prohibition? Bootlegging.
Gambling? Saloons & Speakeasy's
Drugs? Cartels and Online Pharmacies.
Healthy Eating? Taco bell open 24 hours.

So what's the answer besides the worn cliche 'Living Well is it's best Revenge'.

I was reflecting on this over the weekend. You know, this does get really boring. I don't mean to jinx myself (please WOE Goddess, stick with me and be patient) but the semantics get to me. This isn't a diet - it's a way of life. For the rest of my life.

Seriously?

Oh my gosh, I'm going to have to continually think about and pick out the healthy food for the rest of my life??

It reminds me of that joke:

"Doc, if I give up liquor, sex, smoking and start eating healthy.. will I live to 99?"
"Why the heck would you want to?"

So, the word "NO" combined with JUNK FOOD is screwing with me and what AM I going to do about it?

I didn't give two hoots & a holler for junk food before the challenge but the week leading up to it and the first week of it, I was CRAZY wanting it. Tell me 'NO' and I'll show YOU. Watch me eat a creme filled chocolate eclair. Not even eat the whole thing - just a bite - then shove it into the trash. Then pull it back out of the trash and eat more. Yeah.. SICK.

No junk food you say? Watch me decide to have freezer burnt Schwans Vanilla Bean Ice Cream and pour a river of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup on it then pull out the Girl Scout Thin Mints and the Reeses peanut butter cups to have with it.. after all.. tell me no and I'll show you!

However, the WOE Goddess did intervene on that one. She said 'yuck' to the first bite of Thin Mints and into the bin they went and did not come out (sorry Evelyn, I know you hate wasting good food but my WG was putting me first that night). Same with the Reeses.. ick. And who could taste and enjoy that freezer burnt ice cream with all that dang syrup.

So she saved me. She or the Foodie. Someone stopped me.

I consider my backyard my church. I'm not being blasphemous or disrespectful to religion. It's where I go on Sunday and kneel and pray while work on my yard and give thanks for all of the good things the Lord gave me and make ammends for my human weaknesses.

On reflection yesterday, I recognized along with the junk food fiascos I hadn't done much 'structured exercise' either this past week. But I was very hungry. Stomach growling hungry.

How could the two occur at the same time. I couldn't claim x miles on the treadmill or Y pounds on the weights. No numbers, no stats.

Being told to 'do' something is as dangerous as being told 'no' to me. I won't do it. Watch me.

As I dug into the dirt I prayed and forgave myself as I forced myself to recognize that the things I do are physically active. I may not lift free-weights but most of my inventory weighs 30lbs per box and I lifted many of those many times Saturday for nearly twelve hours. Plus I stood on my feet all day. And when it was all on a single rolling cart being moved to and from the car with other things I pulled a 300lb plus cart the equivalent of a half a block.

So what's the answer?

I forgot the question.

Oh yeah. While my first instinct is to repeat the same thing I've done for months, ala, click the 'leave this challenge' link, my 'hey, give it a shot' instinct is telling me to stick it out another week as it seems to be making me aware of some of my 'weirder' issues with life. There, that's the point I'm trying to make in this journal, yeah, that's it. That's the ticket.

If I get kicked out for bringing the stats down - so be it. It would probably be the best thing that ever happened to me. Tell me 'no, you can't do this challenge.. so go ahead.. live it up with the junk food and cussing' may just set me free.

If confession is good for the soul... sanity must bring bliss on tap. Cheers.

Bella

194.0 lb Lost so far: 91.0 lb.    Still to go: 14.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entries for 08 April 2013:
1301 kcal Fat: 77.45g | Prot: 54.51g | Carb: 98.34g.   Breakfast: Quaker Old Fashioned Oats, Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Nature's Way Efagold Coconut Oil. Lunch: Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Bratwurst. Dinner: Bacon, Baby Spinach, Bell Peppers, Gouda Cheese, Onions. Snacks/Other: Spectrum Organic Ground Flaxseed, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups, Cottage Cheese. more...
1996 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...
on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

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Comments 
We don't care about no stinkin stats! See.. for me I don't look at it as telling myself no. I think of it as seeing how long I can actually go before I cave. I have that little kid in my head egging me on saying "I bet you can't do that..." And then I have to tell that voice.. "Can TOO!" I had older siblings.. can you tell? So you don't like being told no.. don't eat that. Or only eat 1. Don't smuggle oreo's in your bra! Don't think of it as no. If you go for a 1 mile walk then you can have ____. If you can make it a week without blank then you can have blank. I say this.. but the second someone else does anything I'm smuggling oreos in my bra again. 
08 Apr 13 by member: DairyFarmersWife
*still snickering over someone smuggling oreo's in their bra* *I'd do the same with doritos if I could*  
08 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
I thought the oreo crumbs were bad! Could you imagine the doritos dust? "Honey.. why are your boobs orange?" 
08 Apr 13 by member: DairyFarmersWife
I love this site!!! Where else would I find such hilarious women to commiserate with, to share feelings with and to laugh with??? I love each one of you - and can relate every step of the way. Thank you for making my day! 
08 Apr 13 by member: CharleeSue
I hear Mom yelling "Ok I have had it with both of you girls ... NO more of that healthy eating! I didn't buy all this junk food to feed the trash can"  
08 Apr 13 by member: 2toofat
My hubby cares not whether the boobs are orange or any other color, he'd be fine with plaid-as long as there are boobs, he's a happy guy! 
08 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
I'd say you definitely got your exercise in this week, with all that work you did, and the yard work, and bending over backwards, etc. :o) It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that had trouble with the No Oreos bit; I don't even care for the buggers and I ate two of them covered in dark chocolate, as well as the organic lollipops and Ginger Chews that I specifically chose as my junk food to NOT eat for this challenge. Then there's the See's chocolate....but that might qualify as medication, lol, of the antidepressant sort. Snort! Oh, I hate it when I snort when I laugh!  
08 Apr 13 by member: crabby Kat
You guys made my day. Thank you for being exactly who you are.I am in some mighty fine company. 
08 Apr 13 by member: sharonfriz
So great to have you, your wonderful insight & delightful sense of humor back... In or out of the challenge! Xoxox 
08 Apr 13 by member: Ruhu
I can relate to the immediate rebel instinct when being told "no" or thinking that I can't have something. It then consumes me and I usually end up giving in and feeling bad and then wondering why I would ever bother to take things away from myself! :) Like fast food.. If I don't think about it, I'm fine. But if I'm really hungry and happen to be nearby and then try to convince myself that I "can't" have it, it becomes the only thing I want. Ugh. What's the deal with that?? 
09 Apr 13 by member: erika2633
Maybe this can help you: "You can NOT have healthy foods. Especially those that are tasty and low in calories. They're mine! You can not have ANY!". :) 
09 Apr 13 by member: kingkeld
This has just made me smile as I read it on my bus to work! I can relate to it all! When I diet I'll say "on a weekend I'll just have ....." And so may well undo the good work I've done. I go shopping with a list but then I see 6 little donuts and think I'll share them with my mum that won't be too bad! Mmmmmm oh well nearly to work so will close now and try not to think about the crisp (chips) in my desk drawer!!!!! 
09 Apr 13 by member: Anneemai
I too have a big problem with "no". As soon as someone tells me no it's all I can think about!! It's such a mental battle and hard to keep your head in the game all the time.. I decided to tweak the 4 goals of the challenge to be things "to do" instead of banning things from my diet.  
09 Apr 13 by member: Bkeller1023
Hi Bella, I can SO relate to lots of your journal. I too get lost in the thought "is this is, for the rest of my life - I have to be aware and watch every morsel that goes through my lips?" It is a daunting thought. My hope is that one day it will become 'second nature' and I won't miss the 'good stuff'. Even calling it the 'good stuff' is wrong, isn't it? I too hate to be told NO. Like you say, tell me NO and watch me go "YES I freakin can, and more than you" Food, alcohol, sex - whatever you tell me I can't have I would do with abandon to show 'them' who was boss. How stupid, because no one really cared. Now that I am older I still hate the NO but its me saying most of the NO's now. I have become my own parent, my own voice of reason and no wonder I hate myself so much somedays because all I hear is NO, NO, NO. And when I say screw it with a resounding YES, watch me, I feel so much guilt and remorse. I am definitely a work in progress. Don't think there has been any 'progress' in a heck of a long time. Good luck to you Bella darling, you are fighting the good fight with your inner demons. If you find a way around them, let us know. :)  
09 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
YES YES YES!!! THIS is IT! This is exactly what I've been struggling with, FOR AGES! I have never been able to quite put my finger on it, but you just described it, right there! Now if I can just figure out why I fight so hard against myself (and then I can tell my poor unfortunate children, who both inherited this from me). 
09 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
I have a different way of looking at it. I don't look at it as a NO. I don't look at it like I can't ever have what I want. I don't deprive myself of anything. I just do it in moderation and within the calories I need. I look at what I want more and that is to be healthy. To be able to go to a store and try clothes on that fit. To get up every morning feeling happy. To be able to take a bath or shower and not hate what I look like. Right or wrong I am much happier when I am where I want to be...where I know I am at my healthiest and can enjoy life at its fullest.I want to be able to wear a bathing suit and not hate myself. Being overweight makes me unhappy. More unhappy than cutting down on foods that aren't good for me and only provide temporary happiness. Just my opinion and what works for me. Hope I haven't overstepped.  
09 Apr 13 by member: chattycathy1955
@Cathy - love your comment, ie the motivation of trying on things that look nice, not hating what I look like naked in the shower, BUT unfortunately I can't do moderation. I can't have one bite, one taste, one drink, its all or nothing and the nothing seems so depriving and the all is too much. Sigh. I do not know what the answer is. I will follow Bella's journal and hope she gets enlightened first :) 
09 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
@everyone else - just read all your comments and you are all too funny and too precious. Plaid boobs, orange boobs. Too funny. My hubby too doesn't care what colour, shape, size, etc, as long as he has a pair that are all his own (well, mine but you know what I mean I hope). Love, love, love you all, you are funny and delightful.  
09 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
@Cathy, I like your comment as well and I also don't deprive myself of things, and I am slowly inching toward the moderation bit. I have, for the most part, stayed within my calories. There are times, though that I refuse to look far enough in the future to remember and acknowledge that the temporary happiness will make me unhappy in the long run. I'm still workin' on it, but to hear others say that it works for them gives me hope that it will someday work for me as well. No,you have not at all overstepped, you're offering honesty and insight, and both are valued here. Sarahsmum, I don't know what the answer is either, but I'm beginning to suspect that there isn't a short, one-liner, to-the-point answer. I think it's more complicated than that. I know a lot of us are all-or-nothing types and that it doesn't work in our favor all that often! LOL! 
09 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
Thanks guys I was worried after I wrote and not sure if I should have pressed submit. I am glad you understand how I feel. I understand too how hard it is to think that we have to do this all the time to get and stay where we want and it can be daunting. I just know how miserable it makes me when I slip and how easy it is to do. One day ...it's just one day but one day makes it easier for me to slip another day. It never shows on the scale that quick either in the begining because your metabolism is adjusting to something new again and you think you are getting away with it so you keep doing it and then boom it happens and you are right back at square one. I am tired of going back to square one so I am really trying to stay on track and trying to be happy and satisfied with moderation. I am not always good at it..especially with traveling so much and eating out but every day I just try to do the best I can and if I slip I try to get right back on track. 
09 Apr 13 by member: chattycathy1955

     
 

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