ctlss's Journal, 08 April 2013



Well, yesterday I turned 54. It was a beautiful day, lots of wonderful birthday wishes from so many friends and family, a breakfast out with a friend from church, dinner with my youngest and his wife, and yet...and yet, it was still bittersweet. I miss my dad and I hurt for my mom. I try so hard to be strong and keep my game face in place, and I am sure that sometimes I come across as cold and uncaring, but that is how I cope. The tears come when I am alone. Not even Dan sees them all. I called the our youth pastor on my way home Friday, and used his shoulder. He has a degree in family counseling and has dealt with these situations, and he is compassionate and caring. He prayed for my mom, for my family, and for our peace of mind. It is so very hard. All I really want is for mom to get better and to be able to have a decent quality of life for the time she has left.

Friday was very difficult. She was transferred to a skilled nursing facility for rehab. It did not goes as well as we had hoped. I took her little doggie down to visit her on Saturday...he is staying with us for the interim. She was happy to see him, but tired very quickly. Today the therapy starts, and I am praying that she does well and that with this therapy the blood supply to that knee will be reestablished, which will enable her to walk around and be able to return to a more independent level of living.

I've done pretty well with my food, even though I was tempted to stop and get something sweet on several occasions. I didn't. I have been sticking to my WOE. I have decided that is at least one thing I do have control over at this point. Exercise has become non existent again. Just can't seem to get that rolling. I had just restarted the kettle bell when this happened with mom, and haven't felt like doing anything more with it. I may try today. It will help with the stress, I know, but I my heart is just not in it. :( My heart isn't in much at this point.

Church yesterday was good. They did their best to let me know that I am loved. Our youth pastor put up a slide wishing me a happy 21st and made it a point to let me know that they appreciate all I do. It made me smile, as did all the hugs and birthday wishes. As I said a friend took us out to breakfast afterward. When we got home, I straightened up the house and vacuumed, while Dan cleaned up the kitchen. We then took a little power nap. Our intention was to get up in time for the start of the baseball game, but we slept an hour, when we got up, they were just tossing out the first pitch. I had the start time wrong, which was great, we didn't miss anything.

We had a lovely time with Jacob and Annie. Our dinner was grilled strip steaks, squash, salad, green beans, faux rice with broccoli casserole, and deviled eggs. They left around midnight. They brought me some Absinthe and a beautiful potted flower, a white ranunculus. I loved it. I also got a phone call from mom (courtesy of middle sis), a lovely card from middle sis, and birthday wishes from my brother and baby sis, along with nieces, aunties, sons, daughters in law...in other words the blessings overflowed. It truly was a lovely birthday.

I want to thank all of you who stopped by and commented on Friday's journal. It means more than you know.

Well, that's about all the news that's fit to print from my corner...hope all is well in yours!



Diet Calendar Entry for 08 April 2013:
1689 kcal Fat: 145.30g | Prot: 74.55g | Carb: 28.30g.   Breakfast: Stef's Deviled Eggs number 3, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Horizon Organic Heavy whipping cream, Coconut Oil. Lunch: Roseland Bratwurst. Dinner: Flax Tortilla, Flat Bread, or Chips, Tanimura & Antle Green Onion, Cucumber (Peeled), Celery, Lettuce, Kroger Sunflower Kernels, Sour Cream, Happy Farms Mexican Style Shredded Cheese, Tomatoes, Ground Beef, The HV Food Products Co. Buttermilk Ranch made from Mix (Hidden Valley, buttermilk recipe), Cream Cheese and Bacon Jalepeno Poppers. Snacks/Other: Gala Apples, Member's Mark Sharp Cheddar Cheese. more...
on diet The Primal Blueprint  


Love your journal. I completely identify with the 'strong silent' approach and how it is often misinterpreted by those on the outside. Stay true to you.  
08 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Bella, it's the only way I can cope! Thank you... 
08 Apr 13 by member: ctlss
Happy belated birthday, Stef. Glad to hear you had a wonderful birthday weekend with family. But so very sorry your mother is having a difficult time right now with her health. Just know that you are a wonderful daughter and you ARE doing everything possible for her. Your love, comfort and support is the perfect medicine. Sending well wishes and prayers your way, dear friend. Remember that the Lord is carrying you through this.  
08 Apr 13 by member: RedHolly
Happy Birthday Stef!!! You are doing great by sticking with your WOE during this tough time. I'm praying your mom gets better soon. Hugs!  
08 Apr 13 by member: tglenna
EEEEEE!!!! Happy birthday for yesterday, lady! *gigantic hug* 
08 Apr 13 by member: ferlengheti
Happy birthday for yesterday!  
08 Apr 13 by member: riocaz
Happy birthday and hope this year will be a great one for you. All the best to you and your family 
08 Apr 13 by member: Char60
Glad you were surrounded by such love on your birthday - belated birthday wishes from me! 
08 Apr 13 by member: erika2633
I'm sorry I missed it, Happy Birthday, Stef! You and your family are in my thoughts! <3 
08 Apr 13 by member: ZippyDani
Stef, I read between the lines and I know how difficult this situation is with your mum. And yes I know you miss your dad. As someone who lost their dad many, many years ago, the ache does get better. You never stop missing them, but the hole in your heart does get better with time. I know your heart is heavy and I know you want your mum to be well and healthy but you must also prepare yourself for 'the worst'. And I think you know that which is why your heart is heavy as well because the thought of losing your mum is unbearable. I could say so much more but I don't need to, you know what is in my heart and that I love you and care for you and would ease this pain if I could. As I often say, life is not for the faint of heart. Even our love of God isn't much solace at times of stress like this. It's not God's fault, we are human and have human hearts and they can be very heavy sometimes. I am so glad you have wonderful family to support you. You don't have to be the 'strong one' all the time Stef. Left them in, let them see that you need support too. Then you can support each other rather than you holding up the world. Wishing you a peaceful heart dear one.  
09 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
And anyone who knows you, knows that any front or face of 'coldness' is just that, a front. You are a sticky, sweet, gooey lovely marshmallow and I loves ya big time :) 
09 Apr 13 by member: sarahsmum
Happy belated birthday. I think you are doing fantastic dealing with all this stress.  
09 Apr 13 by member: BuffyBear
Happy belated Birthday sweetie..just got home around 12:30 today..Hope you had a good day..Love and Hugs..:O) 
09 Apr 13 by member: BHA
To all of you wonderful, awesome buddies...thank you...thank you...thank you! For your comments on Friday's journal and for your kind birthday wishes and prayers! I love you all!!! 
11 Apr 13 by member: ctlss


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