FullaBella's Journal, 01 April 2013

I think if I had to come up with a title for this journal it would be toss up between 'Why is Everything in Moderation not applicable to Emotions' or 'Why Does Maturity and Dignity have to be Synonymous with IceQueen?'

Yesterday I experienced a small disappointment - I'd asked someone to do a tiny little errand that would have taken them a block and ten minutes out of their intended direction. No one died, it wasn't a kidney or oxygen to continue living. It was a nothing little thing and the specifics are silly and embarrassing yet the more I worked through the pep talk in my head the more my anger grew.

As I silently stomped and internally ranted through the rest of my evening to the point I sent myself to bed early I realized my emotions were because of the very fact that I was ignoring MY needs.

"Act your Age.."
"Grow up, Will Ya?"
"Don't cry in Public"
"Keep your emotions like poker hands, close to your vest."
"Never let 'em see you sweat."
"Don't sweat the small stuff.. and ... it's all small stuff..."
"If you're gonna work with men, act like a man, and real men don't cry."
"Stop being a silly emotional woman."

And on and on and on.

Robin Williams played a twisted psycho in a really weird movie a few years ago, "One Hour Photo". Most of the plot was fingernail scraping on a chalkboard tedious but one comment in particular that touched and stayed with me was 'If you were to look at a person's photo album, you'd think their entire life was happy. No one ever takes a photo of someone sad.'

He left out 'network news' that seems intent on shoving cameras and microphones into the grieving victims faces, but you get the point. On the average, it's all smiling faces, cakes and balloons.

The emotions we show are guarded and scripted. No wonder we've reached a place in history where violence and anger seems rampant. It has been within my lifetime that the phrase 'going postal' was originated.

So what does this have to do with weight loss and eating? Well, heck, a lot! And I know it's not just me. I constantly read journals that explain how emotional eating got the best of them.

But then I read other journals where people act like feeling their emotions is 'a pity party' and that commentary ran through my mind last night too as I admonished myself to get out of the pool. It was that very comparison that sent me into the deep end ala 'I know in the scheme of things this little tiny unimportant disappointment is silly but by golly, it's my emotion and I'm going to feel it!'

What's the answer? I don't know. I realize I can't display every single emotion outwardly. I guess for those moments, there's my FS journal. But inwardly, I'm going to give myself a break. Cut myself some slack. Feel what I want to feel and explore that rather than stamping my emotions into a tight little ball of anxiety until I just explode. I'm going to stop making myself feel worse when I feel bad. If I need to linger in a pity pool for a while, I'll take a life raft.

Enough of that.

As for specific eating and weight loss - today's weigh in was fake; I entered my 3/25 weight merely to make that silly red font 'weigh in now' link to go away for now as I've moved to a monthly weighing while I concentrate on the rest of the things in my life. The only way I'm going to let a needle be responsible for how I feel about my life is if there's a bag of morphine attached.

I'm continuing to eat well. Friday night at the Grandson's baseball game I even tried a small bag of Cheetos (crunchy) just to reinforce to myself I prefer non-junk food; about a 1/4 of the way into the bag the gross processed orange coating on my fingertips and tongue led to giving the bag away; it only took one sip of that 20oz diet coke to reach the same conclusion. This was a good and successful test for me - not feeling as if I'm missing out on something 'great' anymore.

A business gathering Saturday yielded three 'wow, look at you!' comments about the weight loss. That was nice. And, in keeping with the balance mentioned above, there were 'I wouldn't pay you a compliment if I were on fire and you were holding the only extinguisher' glares from two women. Ahh well. A bit interesting because a year ago one of the women had lost a noticeable amount of weight and I complimented the heck out of her. She's regained the weight so ... I get it.

My rationalization for them, though (besides resentment) is focus and misdirection. I think we all focus on different things in our lives so maybe they didn't notice, period. I was still wearing my 'big old bulky denim shirt' over my 'big black bulky turtleneck' and jeans. My suit of armor tends to still cast a fairly large shadow despite the thinning body beneath it. Unless you look really close the loss is only really noticeable if you ever paid attention to my face, I think.

And ironically, that's okay. I've had the 'wow look at you' moments many times in the past only to have to endure the silent judgement when I regained it. I don't plan to pull off the suit of armor and don the 'hey, look at me' attire for at least two years after steady maintenance. I feel I have a fairly good grip on this thing this time but I've always felt that way in the past too. It's a new day, a new approach, and I just have to keep going one day at a time.

Thank you for reading,

Bella
194.0 lb Lost so far: 91.0 lb.    Still to go: 14.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entries for 01 April 2013:
1619 kcal Fat: 83.68g | Prot: 107.19g | Carb: 121.61g.   Breakfast: Bob's Red Mill Old Country Style Muesli, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Nostimo 0% Plain Greek Yogurt, Spectrum Cold Milled Ground Premium Flaxseed with Mixed Berries. Lunch: StarKist Foods Solid White Albacore Tuna in Water, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut. Dinner: Singleton 's Stripey Jack Cheese, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Nature's Way Efagold Coconut Oil, Baby Spinach, Gouda or Edam Cheese, Deli Sliced Ham, Turkey Breast Meat, Onions, Dried Chia Seeds, Chocolate Glazed Eclairs (Custard Filled). more...
1996 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
They do say that big boys don't cry but there's something about being a woman that makes us feel ashamed of our emotions, too. Allowing ourselves to feel what we feel and not hide it - that's not a common practice. That's why I like my semi-anonymous journal (and why I keep it private so my hubby can't sneak in and try to read it as he hinted to at one point!) - it lets me say what I'm feeling and not worry about being judged. So good on ya for looking your emotions square in the face and not allowing yourself to cover them up. All those suppressed emotions are what get us in trouble in the long run. Great job keeping in control at the baseball game. Regaining the weight. That's always such a hard thing to live through. So I do have some sympathy for the less than complimentary ladies - I'm sure their silence was more a commentary on their own issues than any lack of noticing your progress. Keep up with your wonderful journey of self-discovery. It's very interesting to be a "passenger" and get to ride along with you :)  
01 Apr 13 by member: evelyn64
Thank you, Bella, for your journaling. You inferred that your journals are an outlet for your emotions and I agree. In all actuality, it was relaxing to read your journal as I too have to come to terms with my emotions. I find that my husband and I are getting into more petty little arguments lately. We both came to the agreement that we are actually just hungry most of the time. HA! (He’s lost 68 pounds since Christmas.) Just the other night, my husband said "I sure wish I could have a pizza..." and I went from not being hungry to my stomach actually growling in less than 4.3 seconds. But, we did overcome the urge to eat pizza! I also laughed out loud when I read the [resentful] women comment. I, too, have faced these types of women before. When I told one of my coworkers (who is also obese) that I lost 35 pounds, she said “Really?” with a cocked eyebrow and small nod of the head. Not a “Really?!?! (That’s great!)” but a “Really??? (I don’t believe you)”. I thought to myself “Witch, I’ll show you how much weight I can lose.” Not that I resent her or anything for saying that. ;) I should point out that I don't usually tell people how much weight I've lost unless they ask me. I only mentioned it to her when she asked why I was eating salads all the time (and not my usual wrap and fries). 
01 Apr 13 by member: KatieTyrell
Evelyn - so true. I don't know what happened ~ we used to have John Wayne and Clint Eastwood as role models for men but then along came Alan Alda and Phil Donohue telling men it was 'okay to show their emotions' but somehow in the mix of that women were told to stop being so 'feminine' and now it's big cluster-husk mixed gender emotions. It's almost as if displays of emotions are limited to the designated: cheerleaders can be happy and peppy but if you aren't carrying pom-poms you're ridiculed. Widows are allowed to mourn but otherwise cut the tears. And so on. I truly know the 'regain' feeling so no resentment at the two women except they made it a point to give me the 'up & down' and then pressed their lips tighter. If they'd put their hand over their mouth (a true body language motion indicating they were fighting to keep their mouth shut) I'd have probably chuckled. Thank you for riding along - your comments and support are so encouraging to me.  
01 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Katie - thank you. Yes, I have found this journaling part to be a huge tool in managing my emotions. Before FS I would journal into a notepad and then delete it ~ it was how I vented the frustration but didn't leave anything behind for anyone to find, read, and experience hurt feelings. However, all that I journaled then WAS the actual frustration ~ I didn't quite make it a point to write about the things that went well, achievements or just days that I 'got it right'. This journaling here has helped me find a balance between the venting and simple 'goal listing'. There are still days when I'm so angry at things that I do just bang out anger, head down, not even looking at the keyboard or screen. I consider those days akin to silent screaming as I know I need to get it out of my head but it wouldn't serve as anything useful to anyone else. And those notepads still get deleted. I found myself thinking about pizza the other day ~ if you've been reading my journals very long you know I've been breaking up food partnerships for a few months so I try to figure out the 'thing' about something like a pizza that attracts me. I know it's not the crust as I usually peeled my pizza off 'that'. I know it's not the processed meats (pepperoni, sausage) as I'd eventually gravitated toward canadian bacon and pineapple with extra cheese and jalapeno peppers. Individually I still love those four components. But altogether, that greasy feeling from the cheese in a pizza? No. No thank you very much. Pizza craving: gone. One ham & egg omlet coming up. It's a process, but it's helped me find a balance between loving what I eat and still liking myself afterward :-) 
01 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
This is another reason why FS works for so many people - the ability to vent with some or full anominity. It's a good thing to be able to express and own how we are feeling without the fear of judgement. You go Bella! If you feel the need to rant and rave like a lunatic on FS I will read every word and then proceed to help you step away from the ledge! 😊 In seriousness, I believe your sincerity and honesty comes through in each journal and it really helps people look at themselves more honestly in turn.  
01 Apr 13 by member: Josie Ann
I think, Angel, that you have an inner critic too.. One that critiques your emotions... Think that almost fills our team:)! Good for you for recognizing it & realizing that it's ok to feel any & all emotions. And it's so healthy to journal about them, both for you & all of us who relish your journals and learn so much from them. Xoxox 
01 Apr 13 by member: Ruhu
Lovely journal, Bella. I get such a sense of being lifted into a story when I read your journals. Of course this one also hit home for me. As a caretaker, it only takes the beginning of a text for me to start hyperventilating and that's even before ive heard the "punch" line. Of course, that's easily followed by emotional eating to get "through" it. There must be a way to quickly gain perspective, but I have yet to find it. Thank you for sharing. Have a wonderful one day at a time. 
02 Apr 13 by member: Helewis
As usual Bella....you're writing is amazing!  
02 Apr 13 by member: Rubie-sue
Great journal Bella. Unfortunately or fortunately we feel what we feel no matter what we think we should feel. We can't control our thoughts...we can only control what we do with them. Fat Secret is a great place to share your feelings.I prefer to have my journal private as well because I know I write too much. lol I have made some pretty awesome buddies here and have learned a lot from their journals. Many times I could say...wow I feel that way too. I can relate to asking for a favor from someone you probably do a million favors for and they can't go out of their way. You would think it would teach us to say no next time...but I think you are like me and want to help people out. You just can't understand why they don't get it. Well Bella either do I. Hope you have a great day and hoping this makes sense. I seem to be struggling this morning. 
02 Apr 13 by member: chattycathy1955
Great journal - thanks for the insight - as usual..Say do you think we could add pineapple to our ham and egg omlets? 
02 Apr 13 by member: Neptunebch
Exactly! Well thought. I have thoughts go through my head all day , every second, then I think.. who can I tell, who can I talk to , who can I share, even if it is good stuff regarding bad stuff LOL. Well, no one. The PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. Everything is perfect, I am WOMEN! In this world and businesss the person with the biggest line of BS, biggest line of self permotion, biggest fake smile fakest like appears to be successfull. HAHAHAHA. I don't want to play that game, it is just living a lie. FS is the only place I can really be ME. I can be confused, happy, concerned, silly etc. If I am ME in this world, people are conditioned to thing human emotion and dynamic is wrong or weird or or or... I am ME, you are YOU. Embrase yourself losing weight. When you get skinny, don't wear bags, wear things that fit. Wear things that YOU feel good in, to heck with what others feel, it is how you feel in your own skin. Don't deny youself the pleasure of your hard work either! Well put! 
02 Apr 13 by member: Lizzygracemusic
Josie - thank you - sometimes I do rant & rave and it definitely helps. I laughed at the 'ledge' comment ~ years ago I had a remote director say the same thing to me ... to the point that every call opened with 'Step away from the edge, Bella'. It was an eye opener that I was being a little bit high maintenance for her :-)  
02 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Angel - yep, we got a more than team, I think we could fill two teams with all of our personalities. So of course you know I have to answer the 'learn from me' comment with 'yeah, you learn... don't be like me, haha' 
02 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Rubie - thank you, my friend. I just start tapping away and am always grateful anyone reads me much less likes me ... or at least, my writing ;-) 
02 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Cathy - indeed. Whenever I'm in that mental funk mode I try to remember that old saying about 'watch your thoughts, they become your words, then actions, then life' and I think that's why I stay in denial of the anger & aggravation so much because I want my life to be peaceful and serene. And yes, you are exactly right - the person who could not fulfill one simple little thing has been the recipient of 1000x favors, gifts, etc from me. But it takes me back in that circle of 'withholding generosity and love ... what will it get me?' Sigh... I just want to reach the end of the day and not feel like a complete Schmuck!  
02 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Neptune ~ you know, that sounds fabulous. Fresh sliced pineapple on top or even a great pineapple relish on the side! I had guacamole with pineapple and bacon in it recently - pretty good - but found myself thinking 'hmmm.. more pine, less guac...'  
02 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Yes I understand. We have big hearts and want to do for other people and see them happy. If you are like me you probably don't usually ask for something...but then when you do and the other person lets you down it goes much further than them just not doing something..we feel unloved and taken for granted...but you are right the other side of the spectrum is far worse. It is much better to give willingly and with our hearts because we want to then to withhold that giving. We have to try to rise above the pettiness we sometimes feel and just do what we know is right. In the long run it will keep us healthy and happy. Hugs to you!! 
02 Apr 13 by member: chattycathy1955

     
 

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