RiverRes's Journal, 26 March 2013

This journal has nothing to do with weight, nutrition, exercise, or anything like that. It is a personal dumping ground for what has consumed me for the past 5 days.

Just when I thought I couldn't take another brick on the load - was it the lunch lady arms comment I made three weeks ago?? - another has fallen on my head.

This time it is my oldest. My little buddy. My own version of "you and me against the world." For a long while, it was just him and me. We have a bond closer than most mothers and sons. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I coddled or favored him. At this point, I may never know.

He has slipped away from me over time. I likened this to him growing up, becoming an adult, moving on. I never realized how far away he was slipping - after all he just moved back in a month ago. He wanted to straighten out his life, get a better job, etc. I was more than happy to give him the rent-free leg up that he needed.

But things were different. He was different. Distant. Preachy toward his younger siblings. Don't get me wrong, when his younger brother was in the hospital a month ago, he was the one I called on for support. He has always been there for his mom. And vice versa. Or so I thought.

It is now his hospital bed I sit next to. He made two attempts on his life in the past week and now I am having him committed. What have I done? What will I do? What will he do?

It started off calmly enough. Just some sleeping pills. He said he wanted to sleep, but then I found out that he took 24 of the damned things. That is more than just wanting to sleep. Then, on his 25th birthday, he took an untold amount of antidepressants. He washed them down with whiskey and then tried to top it all off with a nice gash to his wrist.

I really don't know how I stopped him, a guardian angel perhaps? I followed him, wrestled the knife from his hand, and then drove him to the emergency room (we live in the country and ambulance service is a joke). When I got him to the hospital, I had to literally carry him in. He had nearly stopped breathing. I have never seen an ER response like that in real life before - only on television. They truly and simply saved his life.

He has been here at the hospital under 24 hour survellience since Sunday night. I go home to sleep and spend the rest of my time here by his bed. Trying to figure out where he/we/I went wrong and what to do about it. Will a stay at a psychaitric hospital "fix" him? I don't know.

He is wicked smart and uses that to manipulate people. I have spent the past two days in an exhaustive dance trying to outthink and outflank him. Making sure he didn't pull his IV's or try to escape.

When he talked to me about his desire to end his life, he was so matter-of-fact about it. I am unhappy, the only way I can be happy is to stop this. I have made too many mistakes. I am a 25-year old living in his mother's basement.

I tried to make it better by telling him that he can make the next, right choice. It is never too late to start over. You have so much potential, we just need to find what makes you happy.

But do I believe it? Sure, I am managing my weight for right now, but it managed me for a VERY long time. Am I managing my life? Or is life just managing me?

He is angry with me. I understand that even though I disagree with him. I am selfish. I want him in my life. I want him to be the person he is destined to be.

How can I help him find his way? How can I help him see that yes, there are some really boring, mundane, and nearly useless parts of your life. Sometimes for days and weeks on end. But there are those brief, glorious moments that make the mundane nothing but a distant memory.

I have a lot of work ahead of me as I try to help my son. I need to ensure that I don't lose track of my other two wonderful children in the process of helping their brother. I see lots of counseling for all of us on the horizon. I will be reaching out on many levels for support as we try to bring him back.

And I will pray. I will pray that I haven't lost him forever. I will pray that he sees the light and the good that his presence in our lives brings. I will pray that he buries me, and not I, him. Oh Lord, will I pray.

Diet Calendar Entries for 26 March 2013:
1507 kcal Fat: 70.37g | Prot: 42.69g | Carb: 182.99g.   Breakfast: Flavors French Vanilla Ground Coffee, Stevia Extract in the Raw, Milk (Nonfat), Instant Oatmeal - Apples & Cinnamon. Lunch: Lettuce Salad with Assorted Vegetables, Old World Veggie Pizza. Dinner: Mushroom & Swiss Burger, Wild Fries (Small). Snacks/Other: Reduced Fat Original Potato Crisps. more...
2731 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sitting - 4 hours, Resting - 4 hours and 30 minutes, Housework - 1 hour, Sleeping - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Driving - 3 hours, Desk Work - 4 hours. more...
on diet Ornish Diet  


I am so sorry that you are going through this. We have been there. Is there a strong Christian Chaplain there at the hospital, or a born again bible believing pastor from the church that can spend some time with him? He needs to know that God loves him and has a purpose for him. He won't find that in anything else. My prayers are with you. 
26 Mar 13 by member: DairyKing
Ohh Big HUG! I will keep you in my prayers. Mental illness is real, and I really truley hopes he finds the light. Some people have chemical imbalances that bring them into the worst place. Sometimes it just takes that right doctor to get him on the right meds at this time to "turn the light" back on. Don't blame yourself... Please. You did the right thing commiting him. Hopefully he will be in for at least 30 days. Reserch the best places for him if he isn't getting better. I know you won't give up, you can't. Take care of yourself as well, the stress is enormous in family situations like this. I have lost a cousin I grew up with to suicide and my sister to depression. In addition, there was a huge fobia/stigma for depression which kept him from getting help. I truley hope you can get a good nights sleep and the people there will once again save his life . Sending Lots of LOVE your way!  
26 Mar 13 by member: Lizzygracemusic
God does his best work at times like this..thanks having the guts to share and wish you and your son the best.  
26 Mar 13 by member: Rpalmst
I am writing this with tears in my eyes & love in my heart for you, your son & family. He is so lucky to have you, Paula. You are a wonderful & loving mother, don't second guess yourself, you've done nothing wrong! Your son has a horrible disease, not unlike cancer or any other disease. It has chosen him even though he doesn't deserve it & we will never know why. You are doing the right things & getting him the help he needs. Wish I were there to give you a big hug & lighten your load somehow. You are in my thoughts & prayers. Please know we are all here for you! xoxox 
26 Mar 13 by member: Ruhu
I'm sorry to hear this and wish nothing but the best for you and your son. Keep the faith. With God's help this will all turn around for the better. 
26 Mar 13 by member: deadcenter
Angel Ruth said everything I would - this is not you - something has happened and you will only make yourself distracted tryng to second guess an uncontrollable force of evil that somehow slipped in under the radar. Definitely inpatient care required to keep him safe while he regains his grip on life with the help of counselors and his mothers love. I don't know how you continue to manage the challenges you face. Your journal is certainly a wakeup call for sorting out the issues. Prayers going into the universe for you and your family. 
26 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella


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