FullaBella's Journal, 22 March 2013

I'm sipping a smoothie of spinach, blueberry, yogurt, apple juice and water. Not 'too' bad. This is the first I've attempted since the 'mowed lawn' smoothie a few weeks ago. I've had a couple with just 'fruit & yogurt' and those of course are pretty darn good; why wouldn't they be? So little by little I'll add the veggies in to get a little healthier balance. I keep forgetting to pick up cauliflower ~ for some reason I think that would give a nice bulky texture with a little less 'lawn taste' than just spinach. I may be adventurous tonight and try adding bell peppers as I picked up some real beauties this morning. I'm also wondering if a little lime juice would pep this up & give it a nice little bite.

The past couple of days I've been reflecting on how to handle my emotions and still eat healthy. Not the 'grow up and stop soothing your inner toddler with cookies' maturity; something else.

It's an insane cycle of thought and I typed it out but in itself as a paragraph it illustrated the worst possible grammer I've churned out yet so let me try to break it down by bullet points hoping they are more forgiving:

*When I am stressed but trying to not emotional eat
*I don't want to eat
*However, this can last for days, weeks even
*Something about the stress, the acid in my stomach, the churning
*Signals 'nope, not hungry'
*While I don't think anything serious will happen if
*I skip a few meals I do believe
*It's not healthy for the rest of me as the body
*Needs nourishment to function and although
*I don't want to be stressed
*The person sharing my life thrives on ranting and raging yet
*I am growing weary of throwing away or reheating
*The same 'dish' repeatedly because
*Whenever the ranting does stop for a while
*I can recognize my hunger and I
*Prepare myself a healthy dish but
*Everytime I try to sit and eat, so begins
*The broken record ranting and while
*I realize while I can't control situations, I know
*I can control how I choose to react however
*To that someone else in my life the fact that
*I'm not choosing to rant & rave means
*I'm not taking all of the situations seriously while *I* am
*Simply choosing to try to work through all of it
*Calmly, doing what I can and
*Letting the rest take care of itself that doesn't seem to be
*Enough

Sooo.... to continue

*I'm trying to tell myself 'ok, eat something anyway' but
*I look at the food and don't want to eat so I tell myself
*Eat anyway, maybe the food will absorb the acid and
*You'll feel better but
*Then I wonder 'if food makes me feel better, will that be
*Repeating the emotional eating cycle?' so
*I take a couple of bites and record
*The whole thing in my food diary trying to
*Trick my toddler 'look, it's already written, you may as well
*Eat it' but my
*Toddler is shaking her head no and my
*Frustrated adult is just wanting to run away

So now...
*I'm sitting here at my desk sipping my smoothing trying to
*Nurture my body with a little fuel and I was doing well until
*Someone else arrived and their visiting has
*The voice from the other room cranking again so
*Another deep cleansing breath and likely
*Very'green toothy smile' from me as I try to
*Shake off the negative vibrations bouncing in my universe and
*Have another sip of spinach

Now, I know I could grab a quick protein bar and hide in the closet to eat quickly then go back and deal with the insanity of my life. I know I have options. This isn't a 'woe Bella' sob story. It's exploration.

The reason I'm reflecting on this and observing the behavior and signs is because I feel as if I'm on the verge of a breakthrough here ~ akin to some of the other's I've had since beginning this journey. I feel this exploration is part of the work I need to do to break yet another weakness in my armor; clear another cobweb.

I can't figure out if it's a 'it doesn't really matter which came first ~ the chicken or the egg ~ you just need to decide which one you want for dinner' or if there may be a real 'aha' moment at the end of all of this.

If you've read this far and are thinking 'Bella, you know why he's raging and ...' yes, I do. I get it. Why he's doing what he's doing has nothing to do with me nor can I control it. I'm trying to ride out the waves without drowning. I got that. The reflection above is because I feel like I'm standing in front of yet another closed door and feel if I can figure out the combination to the lock I'll conquer yet one more barrier between me and sane eating.

Thank you for reading. I need now to go tend to the tornado; I will read your journals later today or this evening. Take care, my friends.
Bella


Diet Calendar Entries for 22 March 2013:
1779 kcal Fat: 80.85g | Prot: 84.82g | Carb: 186.97g.   Breakfast: Fage, Blueberries Schwan, Steel Cut Oats Quaker, Chia Spectrum. Lunch: Chia, Spinach, Blueberries Schwans, Apple Juice, Fage. Dinner: Sartori, Tomato, Onion, Spinach, Bell Pepper, John Morrell Turkey, Coconut Oil Efa. Snacks/Other: John Morrell Turkey, Colossol Greek Olives, Whole Wheat Bread, Wholly guac 100, Mayo, Sartori, Fage, Pop Weaver, Bell Pepper, Breakfast Ham. more...
2006 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
I'd be wary of adding lime juice to something dairy... you may end up with some curdling action. Figuring out why we eat what we do and when we do - that has to be one of the most difficult tasks. I think it's about stripping it to the bare bones - for example: stress is stress, no matter how it's packaged. But we each have our own triggers - what sends one person off the deep end might not even faze another. Perhaps it's not so much about the why as figuring out how to deal with life without throwing food at it as an easy fix. Tough stuff. I look forward to watching how you work through this - it sparks thoughts and questions I might not have come up with on my own.  
22 Mar 13 by member: evelyn64
As always you provide thought provoking insight, and I hope you can pick the lock on this one. I look forward to peeking through that door through your eyes! 
22 Mar 13 by member: CollyMP
I think your doing a great job sorting through the most intimate details about food . I think it's fascinating and I believe it will be the key to losing all the weight and keeping it off.  
22 Mar 13 by member: sharonfriz
I didn't understand all of your thoughts but I'm so glad you are writing them anyway. I will read them again tonight - after I force myself to the gym which I'm tricking myself into going by giving a coworker a pass and telling her I will meet her there. I ate a whole Theo choc bar after lunch today so now I only have about 200-300 cals for dinner. This will never do. :( :) Keep up the good work! You are your own therapist! 
22 Mar 13 by member: Neptunebch
Can you switch the yogurt for whey protein powder? I like it better. 
22 Mar 13 by member: Neptunebch
Do you have a good blender? when you are doing spinach smoothies it's really important to have a very good blender which makes taste the spinach less "herby". Also adding banana to green smoothies works very well for added texture and taste. Carrots are good, too.  
22 Mar 13 by member: noann
I read, I aupport, I may not understand it all, but I'm here. You are dealing with your stress in a new healthy way and I applaud you for putting it all out there. Much easier for you to see it when you can see it, if you know what I mean. Maybe you need ruby slippers, in case the tornado takes off :) 
23 Mar 13 by member: sarahsmum
Thank you for reminding me of the importance to reflect upon those internal debates :-). You've come such a long way on the journey to sane eating, and sometimes being able to recognise the internal toddler for precisely what it is, is a great step. They can be pretty unruly little ones when allowed to dictate the house rules for the adults, hey.  
23 Mar 13 by member: blueniamh
Thank you all for your encouragement and support. My final conclusion was 'withholding' as if food was still a reward - and I was withholding it until I could restore peace. Screwdriver up - no argument - but I was relieved to recognize the reason.  
23 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
So glad you reached a conclusion/found a reason. Quite an epiphany. You have had so many. Envious, not jealous, but happy for you. Hoping you and your toddler had a peaceful week-end because you have enough drama in your life with MH without your toddler adding to the mix. 
25 Mar 13 by member: sarahsmum
You are brave. You are smart. You are important. You are doing the work courageously (with full heart). You know exactly where you are. Sending love & support to both you and your toddler. 
25 Mar 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Crazy weekend - just now got back to this. Love how my kindle auto spells for me - screwdriver up? seriously? Toddler behaved except for one weird incident and I am going to record that a journal if my eyes stay open (sleepy).  
25 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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