Sweet Ce's Journal, 19 March 2013

I've been taking a break from recording food and obsessing about numbers - both those in my RDI and those on the scales. I don't know my current weight and I want not to care...but I think I do care.

Anyway, it's been an emotional few days followed by a bout of nasty head cold and I just didn't want to think about this for a while. Whether I overdid it or underdid it, I don't know and I'm not going to look at numbers for another week - at least not the scales numbers.

I read a book, not for the faint of heart, but for anyone unconvinced that childhood trauma can affect the adult, I know that this book sent me in a tailspin. If you're interested: "Come Back" by Claire & Mia Fontaine. I'm glad I read it for my spiritual healing but for my diet it did me no favors - unless you count that it brought out that I'm not just struggling against the food in my fridge or at the corner deli.

I decided that compassion was the better part of valor and left my food issues to the side for a few days.

But I'm here an I'm listening - and I even saw that, though I didn't record it all, I ate less - I know because I went out and bought (or tried to buy my favorite "go to" foods and couldn't eat them --- or even purchase them, my heart was saying: "I know you want something, but this isn't it. Be still and let this pass through you."

So, I spent two days on the sofa and about 12 hours sleeping, getting in to bed by 8:30 or 9 - and just letting nature take its course.

I'm still a little scared about being "small" again - but I'll never be so small as to allow that kind of harm to come to me as when I was a very little girl.

The other good side - cause I'm learning here that it's important to give myself praise when & where it's due - I may have overeaten but I did not purge.

I'll start recording food again in a couple of days - when I'm ready. As someone recently reminded me, I need to have control over something and this is something that I can control - when I write down what I eat.

Thanks everyone for being here for me - and for your selves.

Love to all,
Ce

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Ce you are so on track with this process I hope you see it from your side. All those 'diet' books in the world are written toward the person who just needs to take off a few mindless junk few pounds - they have NOTHING to offer people like us who are battling so many emotions and turned to food for comfort, relief, protection, strength, etc. I looked up your book - the summary reads very emotional and I haven't yet faced all of my childhood demons. I keep thinking of what a shrink told me once when I told him I was choosing to opt out of the weekly therapy 'either do the work now or do an overhaul later' ... at MY age... I just don't know. Will the overhaul magically fix or change me? I just don't know. Anyway - what you're doing, nurturing yourself, getting in touch with your own past and figuring out how to live with it in the present - perfect. Recording food will you an awareness of the nutritional makeup and help you make decisions when you're ready. I'm glad you're here, reading, journaling, and taking care of you. 
19 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
Thanks, Bella, for the encouragement. ;-) 
19 Mar 13 by member: Sweet Ce

     
 

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