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When I am depressed I medicate with food. Bad food. Until I feel full and overly satisified. How do I change that?
Good reason for depression:Yesterday I found out the week with my bf I had been looking forward to since I found out of it's possibility had been dashed away though possibly replaced with mea weekend in October.. While I already have plans of course for this replacement. I am crushed. We havent had a whole week or weekend together in quite some time. Probably 2 years. The last night I spent with him was a friday night around my birthday or easter I cannot even remember. Mind you this wasnt a whole day. This was ONE night. The last night we had before that was New years evening. He left the next morning in a huff to go hang out with some friends while leaving me alone, I broke up with him for a day. Awesome way to start the year. Right? I hate that I have to share him with people who don't even know I exist. I hate that when he has oppurtunity to just lie (he already has some pretty big lies on his plate. Really whats one more for the sake of my being happy? Funny how he can lie for his own happiness but mine is far too risky) and get out of obligations that should mean less than our relationship. he doesnt. I am so tired of this relationship being the way it is, but the path to what I want is keeping this tightrope act up. We just had our 4 year anniversary. I hang in there because it feels like "What's one more year of this after having endured 4 years of this messed up emotional torture?" (Ok, there is love, it's not all bad, we took a couple vacation days together this year, he had to go at night but still there was 8 hours to just us, and I get to see him for a half hour a couple days a week sometimes longer than a half hour, sometimes shorter but at least it is something...) While I fear leaving him I fear even more the waste of all this time, and him still getting free of what is holding him in place and then someone else benefitting from all my hard work. I am pretty sure this is a mental complex. Kind of like when I don't let people help me with my weight loss because I don't want them to take credit but I just keep screwing stuff up on this front too.
I am so tired of everything today.
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323.8 lb
Lost so far: 15.2 lb.
Still to go: 24.8 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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Diet Calendar Entries for 10 August 2010:
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2236 kcal
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Fat: 63.69g | Prot: 66.40g | Carb: 368.98g.
Breakfast: starbucks pumpkin scone, starbucks carmel machiatto. Lunch: lean cusine rigatoni. Dinner: quaker oat squares, skim milk. Snacks/Other: Smooth Milk Chocolate, Sugar Free Chocolate Mousse, Ice Cream Bars - Giant Latte, hostess, tlc coconut, java chip light starbucks. more...
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4981 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Bicycling (leisurely) - <10/mph - 15 minutes, Sitting - 5 hours, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 45 minutes, Desk Work - 11 hours, Sleeping - 7 hours. more...
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gaining 9.8 lb a week
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 Comments
There's so many things I want to say about your situation but I don't want to offend you, but I just know that there's no way I could put up with that. Is your relationship exclusive? As far as emotional eating, I think it's something a lot of people have problems with, myself included. There are several ways to deal with it though. Lately my best one has been distraction. I just distract myself until the urge of comforting myself with food is gone. Calling people is something that can help. It's harder to eat while on the phone. Or even sleeping can help. People have advised me to work out when I'm having strong emotions like that, but I haven't gotten to that one yet. Exercising is the last thing I want to do when feeling down. Unless it's going on a walk. That can help clear your mind. Just don't eat once you get back home.
10 Aug 10 by member: britt-a-knee
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It is in the fact that I am the only woman he has sex with and is in love with or romantic with. But he lives with his autistic son's mother until she can handle him on her own again. When we met he only lived with them on the weekend. Of course when we met I didnt ask specific questions I took forgranted that because he was spending a few nights a week at my place that he wasnt in any kind of commited relationship with someone else. Anyways, he has a couple expectiations of where his son needs to be developmental wise before he can take himself out of that household permanently. I think the only thing that would offend me is calling me mean names. Everything else I can handle and put thought into. My best friend has been trying to talk me out of this for years. She is the one who has the guts to tell me that he may have done this to me to begin with but by me staying with him I am doing this to myself. I really cannot see myself stopping though, I cannot imagine being as in love with someone as am with him or anyone making me feel the same way. I am sure alot of it is I don't want to have to try to trust anyone again as well.
I am with you on the exercise thing walking and even taking a bike ride seems doable. But I have gone to the gym when emotional, it is not a pretty thing.
Thanks for the comment. I need to work on ways to distract myself. I moved last fall and last night started unearthing my painting supplies. I think I might take up that again. :)
10 Aug 10 by member: agirlfromminnesota
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It sounds more like you would rather be in this bad relationship than be alone. And that is tough. Better something than nothing right? But what you might be doing is preventing yourself from FINDING someone WHO you feel even stronger for. Do you want to put someone else first in your life, who wont put you first in theirs? Emotional eating is a way of punishing yourself. Stop punishing yourself agirlfromminnesota! You deserve far more than you are getting right now. Put yourself first. Put your health and emotional well being FIRST. All other good things will follow.
10 Aug 10 by member: Hellipp
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i know this is none of my business of course.. and i hope i don't step on toes.. but i only want to say this.. i was in a relationship that was very similar and he put me thru the ringer.. and i was sooo in love with him i stayed... once i left, i realized what i thought was love was just fear of being alone.. and i found someone who treated me with love and respect and put me first before anything. all relationships take work.. and the only time the four years you've put into it would be wasted is if you don't learn from it. life is too short.. nothing is worth being unhappy.
10 Aug 10 by member: Naiomy
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very well said naiomy! & Once again Mara, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I learned that if a guy is really into you, there are no excuses. It's that "he's just not that into" way of thinking. Although your guy has a valid excuse and needs to be with his son, there's no reason why he can't make more time for you. If he really is into you, he will make time, no matter what. Although it seems like it might be too difficult and you are so in love, I promise that you can move on and meet someone so much better for you. It just takes time. You've given him 4 years and he still hasn't stepped it up. He thinks he can take you for granted and you deserve more than that. Maybe once he realizes how you feel he will change, but regardless you probably should do something about it.
10 Aug 10 by member: britt-a-knee
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Here's my 2 cents. I've been w/ a guy where in his world, NO ONE knew I existed yet in my world everyone knew he existed. There's quite an imbalance there. The situation I was in was more complicated but luckily no kids were involved. All I can say is that for most of the time I was beating myself for knowingly being that stupid girl "loving" a guy who said he "loved" her back. But in all reality, if you love someone, they ARE your world & everyone knows it. I don't beat myself up over it as much anymore b/c boy did I ever learn from that situation & the string of guys that were to follow. You deserve better & deserve to love yourself better than you are in this situation. If you give youself the chance, you'll find someone that'll show you what love really is, not broken promises, excuses & lies.
10 Aug 10 by member: Evil_Angel_Shay
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I was married for 7 yrs and from the start it was lying and putting me last. I was raised were I had no real options but to marry and did not really ever have a job so I stayed b/c that's is what I was suppossed to do and I felt I had no way of leaving. Finally, 7yrs later I had realized that this was no way to loive. I don't look at it like I wasted my time and saw it more as a learning experience. I became a strong wemon and finally knew what I was worth and what I wanted for myself in life. It sounds to me like deep down you know YOU deserve more and just need the confidence to follow through with what you want out of life. I hope you find what makes you happy in life no matter what that is. It WILL make you stronger!
10 Aug 10 by member: skinnygirl130
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thank you-all of you. reading your words is uplifting, despite the subject..
@britt-a-knee No one has ever brought up that he's just not that into me.. I believe that he isnt as into me as I am into him. He hasnt made the same sacrafices, but when/if he does eventually leave his son for me that will be equal to what I have done for him if not more so. I don't know how to judge that. I just wish I were more real in his life that I got to be introduced as his girlfriend. That he had a valid excuse to see me like he does his "real friends." When we first started seeing each other I think he was a very positive influence in my life, for the way I see myself and think of myself, and he helped me find the self confidence to do some important things in my life. Just the moment he went to living with them again it's been very difficult. There wasnt much to rely on before and now there isnt anything to rely on really besides his words. which are backed up on no one I can count on. Blah confusing.
@Evil_Angel_Shay: I can relate to that. Everyone i know, knows about him. They don't know him though. One real person in his life knows he wants to leave for me, but that isnt a person who makes huge difference. His sisters best friend who happens to be his coworker. I get that feeling of being "stupid" all the reasons you mentioned and more..how did you find your way out of that?
@niamy: I can completely believe that would be better to come frist but what if you are being told eventually you will come first (granted his son will always come first but eventually it will just be me and him..
@hellipp: I think you are right. I would rather have almost anything than nothing. even though what i have right now is pretty much just a bunch of ideas which isnt really anything hmm.
10 Aug 10 by member: agirlfromminnesota
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Mara, I briefly dated a guy who had two sons and was "separated" from his wife, but living with her to help her support the kids and help her get back on her feet. Turns out he was doing more of getting her on her back, than getting her back on her feet. Men are men and have high sex drives and it seems like the easiest and most available option is his ex. I just don't want you to be taken advantage of and him to be unfaithful. When I was younger, I dated this popular bodybuilder guy just because he made me feel confident. He was so not the right person for me, but he made me feel special. Once I really looked at it, I realized I didn't need him to feel confident. That's something that you need to find for yourself. I hope you can realize all this one day too and find someone who deserves you.
10 Aug 10 by member: britt-a-knee
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then really honey its up to you.. the last two years of my life have shown me that it really is (not to repeat again) way too short to be miserable... one of my best friends was in a relationship for 12 years with someone who she was deeply in love with and he treated her very well.. they broke up earlier this year and she can't believe how happy she is being an individual and having freedom... i definitely would have a problem with not knowing my man's friends after 4 years.
10 Aug 10 by member: Naiomy
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I can honestly say there's ALOT of things that have been happening in my life. But it came down to one small decision, that has really changed it all. I choose ME! It doesn't matter who it is in my life, my mom, my nephews, or this guy, I decided I was the most important & for the first time in my life I have to choose me! Things w/ this guy aren't completely resolved. I haven't talked to him since late March/early April, but he doesn't realize that what's coming to him is that things will never be the same between us & until he can figure out what a true friendship is, we can't even have that. I'm more important & I deserve the best in life & that isn't him. It doesn't matter how he made me feel in the beginning or the confidence I got from it, but how I feel about it now & realizing that my confidence has to come from w/in me & from no one else. B/c as soon as that person's gone, where does that leave me if all my eggs are in HIS basket?? Everyone has to make the choice for themselves. I basically only need to go through this once in my life to realize this is NOT what I want nor what I deserve. He's been keeping me hanging on/dangling for nearly 4 yrs now. There was life before him & there will be life after him. He's not the end all, be all of my life. If you're not HIS first choice, HE shouldn't even be an option! That's what this experience has taught me above & beyond anything. = )
10 Aug 10 by member: Evil_Angel_Shay
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Don't con yourself into thinking you've got some kind of payoff coming just because you've invested all this time. How long have you waited on that payoff already? What have you missed during that time? How many hours, days, weeks, months, years have you devoted to this perfect relationship you'll one day have with this man who is obviously unavailable to you? And no, a half hour or a night here & there does not count as available. I have a stepdaughter whose bf went to prison for something gun-related. My DH & her mom thought she'd finally be free of him. WRONG. Rather than let her parents be right about this loser, she let him sweet-talk her into marrying him while he was in prison. He had 9 years hanging over his head with virtually zero chance of winning an appeal, but he was able to convince her he'd be successful with an appeal, if only she'd wait. It has been probably 7 years now. What's interesting is that she has been seeing other people for a while now, in a very self-destructive way, yet remains married to this a-hole. Why? Because she was there for him all this time. Surely he will be there for her...when he has the opportunity. Right?
10 Aug 10 by member: kstubblefield
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