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Yesterday I had two bowls of chinese cabbage salad and two pieces of cheese.Now it is 1:44 a.m. and I'm wide awaken,for I'm so hungry that it hurts.But it is worth it for the sake of a smaller number on the scale.I was about to eat a third piece of cheese despite my hatred for night eating,but then I made some home-made lemonade,and it killed my hunger.Now my stomach is no longer growling,but my body is still in physical pain.Thank God for that laxative overdose I took to get myself rid of all the toxins from the two binge days on which I did the SEE-food diet;the lax OD made me feel nauseas and achy,and the last I can think of now is food.I hope the scale will be merciful in the morning and will only stab me with an ugly instead of an uglier number.Thinking about it,though,I come to realize that no number but 0 is not ugly.I'm ready to bet that noone will believe me,but this body can gain (a.k.a. retain) up to a good 20 lbs of water within two days.Respectively,it can excrete up to 10-12 lbs within 24 hrs (yes laxatives,strictly no diuretics)if I eat only lettuce or cabbage with some dairy.I used to be vegan for 2.5 years but eventually gave up on it-it never made me lose a single pound unless I ate fruits and veggies only.When I went to college,I switched to raw veganism and survived off of apples,white cabbage and cauliflower only.I lost 10 kgs in a week,then my weight started fluctuating and after that I started gaining.Once I had gained half of what I had lost,I sent it all to hell and went back to certain unhealthy behaviors.So,I felt so desperate and so out-of-options-left,that I decided to finally switch to vegetarianism.Not good.Not good at all.Yogurt and cheese do make me feel full enough to eat a maximum of three medium meals a day (for comparison-when I was living off of 'rabbit food',I would need to eat 5-6 times a day),but once the barrier I had placed in front of animal products was destroyed,the 'barriers' in front of everything but meat,fish,and poultry were destroyed,too.What makes me extremely nervous and jittery and upset and angry and a ton of other negative things is the fact that I after a 5-year-sugar-and-candy-free blissful period,I pigged out on waffles,candy bars and other sweets.There still things that I havent eaten for 6,though-cake and ice cream.This fact gives me some illusion of self-control and imaginary dignity.Over the years I got lost so deep into the woods of Hungerland that the only things I can pride myself on are the restrictive periods I get and the masochism (spelling?) with which I face,take,and endure the binge days.After the I-Totally-Lost-It problem that almost killed me physically and completely killed me emotionally,once skinny and pale,the Doctors fed me on the last-resort medication.My weight more than doubled within 6 months.Instead of hosptializing me and swtiching me to another pill after I gained the first 15-20 lbs,they waited until I ballooned to 275 pounds and didnt look so much like a balloon but rather like a blimp.I dont think I will ever forgive them.I talk too much.I think it is time I stopped.
Diet Calendar Entry for 07 March 2013:
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1390 kcal
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Fat: 98.56g | Prot: 97.47g | Carb: 33.49g.
Breakfast: cheese, chinese cabbage,raw. Lunch: coffee. Dinner: cheese, chinese cabbage. more...
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