ctlss's Journal, 04 March 2013


It was a bit of a busy weekend, but that's okay. Saturday I went to a women's conference, called Worth Restoring. It was wonderful. Baby sis, my SIL, and 2 of my nieces were there as well. I shared my testimony (as did baby sis and SIL), the first time I have ever done so. The testimonies of baby sis and SIL were so moving and gave me a glimpse into the trials that they have faced in their lives. Even when you think you know someone, you don't know nearly as much as you thought. I certainly came away with a renewed sense of self-worth. Perhaps this was just what I needed to get my self back on track. I really struggle with self image and feeling like I am not really worth the effort it takes to make me whole and healthy. Part of the conference focused on how we are always comparing ourselves to each other and coming up short. In reality, we are exactly who we are supposed to be in God's eyes. We are His favorite, He loves us, He forgives us, and holds us close all the time. If He had a wallet and opened it up, our picture would be in it! Are we perfect? Nope, but we are still His children. The worst part about self doubt and poor self image, is always feeling like nothing I do is good enough, that I will never be as successful, as pretty, as thin, as smart, as ________...fill in the blank, as _______ (whoever is the perfect one at the moment). I am always measuring my success as it compares to someone else, when in reality the only measure of my success should be how happy I am. I feel like I am a fairly happy person, but there are always these niggling little thoughts that I should be better, try harder, jump higher, run faster, do more. When I compare myself and what I do to others, I always come up short in my eyes. It has been that way for as long as I can remember, in EVERYTHING I do. I even find myself doing that here on FS...I am not answering all the comments, not journaling everyday, not following my chosen lifestyle, not succeeding at the challenges, oh so many things that I feel I am not as good at, as my buddies are. Why do I do this to myself? Inevitably, the result of doing this, is that I just give up. I am always hesitant to even put my thoughts down in my journal, as I am worried that my buddies will think I am complaining too much...sheesh, I am a hot mess, aren't I? :) These are the things that I really need to work on, and to understand that there are a lot of women out there who feel the same way. We are so hard on ourselves, and if we are to be honest, other women can be even worse. How many of you have heard this old adage, "You can never be too thin or too rich."? I heard that a lot when I was a teen, and it always made me feel like I was inferior, because I was NEVER thin. I wasn't fat, but I wasn't thin. I had curves. As for the rich part, that never bothered me (knew it wasn't in the cards) just the thin thing. This poor self image goes back a long way....can you believe I though I was fat in this picture? When I look at it now, I just want to be that "fat" again! lol

Circa, 1975...talent show in HS...that is my dad playing the guitar for me

Anyway, the take away from this conference was that I need to stop comparing myself to other women, I need to trust God and place this in His hands, and I need to be the me that God intended me to be, not the me that society thinks I should be. So I will be working on that, starting NOW! I am worth restoring! I am worth loving! I am worth taking care of myself! I am worth being kind to me! I am a child of God, and there is nothing that I can't do, if I place my faith in Him.

Now, as for the food...well, I was really blessed...there were several low carb options...egg casseroles, sausage balls, and coffee. Of course there were also cookies, muffins, brownies, and gooey butter cake! How did I do? I did alright. I did eat a white chocolate, cranberry cookie, but other than that I did well. Good thing that baby sis brought the low carb egg casserole, or all bets would have been off! lol

I was able to get to church yesterday morning, and it was great, as always. I love music worship, and yesterday's music was awesome, as was the sermon by Pastor Dave. I got to see the kiddos, who I have missed terribly while I have been ill. We then came home, had some lunch, took a nap, made fried chicken for dinner (low carb), and enjoyed a movie.

Tonight we go to mom's for the evening. I traded with middle sis as she is going to be out of town. Baby sis is leaving to go out of town Wednesday evening, with her hubby and daughter. Their oldest is getting married in Arizona. Nephew can't go as he has district band, so he is staying with us from Wednesday until the following Tuesday. We are really looking forward to spending time with him. It's been a while since we had kids in the house! lol Hope I have the energy for this.

I took the last of my antibiotics Saturday, and am cautiously optimistic that the infection that I have been battling since January is gone. I still have a cough, but it is much better.

Well, that's about all the news that's fit to print from my corner...hope all is well in yours!



Diet Calendar Entries for 04 March 2013:
1046 kcal Fat: 72.65g | Prot: 78.80g | Carb: 22.85g.   Breakfast: eggs, coffee, horizon heavy whipping cream, coconut oil, quesadilla cheese. Lunch: gala apple, sharp cheddar cheese, green olives, baby kosher dill. Dinner: chicken breast, lettuce, celery, cucumber, green onions, brussels sprouts, broccoli, buttermilk. more...
2398 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 16 hours. more...
on diet The Primal Blueprint  


And the funny thing is that when we get to know those we've been envious of they all have things they hate about themselves (can't sing, feet too big, etc., etc.). Hope this new attitude stays with you for a long, long time.  
04 Mar 13 by member: BuffyBear
I know I do the same things. I really didn't realize it until you journaled today. I think this is part of us being human and some things that everyday life needs to be dealt with. Don't ever think you are complaining as we all have to vent from time to time. This is part of that human thing again. This is what this site is for, it's to help each other out through good and bad. I know I've not been here much to support my buds, but that has to change as well. See, I think most all are guilty too. Never feel alone, worthless, or not meaning, because you are. I look forward to your support and wonderful advice which I have gotten so many times in the past. Much love and prayers for you and your new way of thinking. HUGS:):) 
04 Mar 13 by member: LauPug1
Love ya Steph...:O) 
04 Mar 13 by member: BHA
Hugs Stef, didn't know you struggled like that. Hard to believe because from outside your life looks perfect! But no one's is, is it? You have been thru your share of tragedies too. Not sure what to say, 'cause my telling you that you are perfect to me isn't really enough, is it, it has to come from within you? We do all struggle with self imagine, women do at least, I have NO clue what men think about anything - lol. And now that I am getting older I also worry/think that people are younger, smarter, less wrinkly, blah, blah, blah. Oh dear, we are a 'hot mess' aren't we? But as you say God loves us as we are. But we have to love us too and we are working on that. Dan is a lovely man, he wouldn't have picked as his life partner any piece or crap, would he, so you must be better than you think because he loves you, and we here on FS love you to bits so when you have one of those days where you don't love yourself, that's okay, because we will love you enough until you feel better able to love yourself as much as we do. One of these days we will meet Stef, and I will hug the bones of you. I think you are freakin' awesome. 
04 Mar 13 by member: sarahsmum
BUT YOU STILL KEEP PERSEVERING. Reading your journal i thought you were simply a perfectionist, until you said you thought you were fat in your photo!!! aghast!!!!. I like Buffybear's simple point about meeting those we envy. All i can say to you and though it has taken me years and years to appreciate this, but i really DO beleive the "grass is NOT greener on the other side" Try and enjoy what you have and do and it will free your mind to slowly start appreciating all you do instead of all the things you dont do. very much love Sazy. Please think it over. xxxxxxxx 
04 Mar 13 by member: sazy
Oh Stef, if you could only turn it around and see how much you've accomplished and how wonderful you are. I wish you could see you as we see you...generous, creative, resourceful, hardworking, faithful, spiritual, strong, kind, thoughtful, gentle and awesome like Isabell said 
04 Mar 13 by member: Helewis
I have looked at pictures of myself when I was in my twenties and thought I was so fat and I now looking back I looked great. I think that need to force myself into a smaller size at that age contributed to my weight problem. I really feel bad for young girls these days who are trying to fit into the current model of beauty and messing up their bodies.  
05 Mar 13 by member: fatoldlady
Love this entry Steph. I pave been absent the past couple weeks and am home today "sick" and thought id check in on some of my most faithful buddies ( yes my dearest in my book you are one of my most faithful). So glad I did. God loves me. He is faithful. Anyway, words escape me, my head hurts and I'm completely bereft, emotionally drained. Than you for sharing. Oh, and I love that photo for 1975 of you and your ad. You were beautiful then, you are beautiful now. Lets be the women God created us to be ... And dare to accept ourselves.  
05 Mar 13 by member: madaboutmoose
Stef, thank you for sharing. You know when we look at some of these so called "beautiful" people, who have sadly become role models to young women, their lives usually are nothing to be desired. They are having to starve themselves, often anorexic, swallow pills, get on drugs or alcohol, incapable of loving someone enough to stick with that person, self absorbed, illusional; they are often miserable and unhappy keeping their psychiatrists and doctors in business. I feel sorry for today's young women who think that's what they should aim for. I am glad that you had such a wonderful women's conference. God loves us and created us to be just who we are, unique, each and every one of us. XXXXXXXX  
05 Mar 13 by member: Gigi39
Awesome testimony! You are encourging so many people! We are all God's children and He loves us so! Thanks for sharing! 
05 Mar 13 by member: skwhite
Buffy, isn't that the truth? I was amazed by what my baby sis and SIL shared...I knew part of it, but wow! I am a work in progress...I sure hope it stays with me as well. 
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
Laurie, my friend, I love you! Thanks for always being so uplifting! Here's to a good year for both of us...we deserve it! LOL :) 
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
Love ya back, Bren! :) 
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
Oh, Is, my life is good, but far from perfect. Dan is the closest thing to perfect that I have. He is sooo good to me, and I just don't deserve it. God love his heart, he can't even see me, yet tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how he loves my curves. We have had our tragedies, but so have many others. I am a "hot mess", but I am working on just being the hot part! LOL Thanks, Is, for always being so uplifting. Love you, my friend! HUGS!!!! 
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
Oh, Sazy, I hope that I didn't come off sounding like I don't appreciate what I have, because I do. God has richly blessed me in so many ways, but my self image and self esteem need some work. I have always had problems with that. I know that my grass is greener than anything I could find anywhere else. Is it perfect, nope, but by golly, it's mine, and I love it! Have a great day, and thanks for being here. Love you!! Hugs!!!  
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
Oh, Heather, thank you...sometimes I only see the back slide, not the progress. And in truth, I am still way better off than I was when I started this journey. I am still 40 pounds down, I am healthier, and for the most part, happier. I love you, my friend, and I think you are amazing! HUGS! 
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
FOL, I think that our perception of ourselves back then were based on how other people reacted to us. I always felt huge compared to other family and friends, but now I realize I really wasn't. My heart always hurts for the young people today...they are bombarded with these bones with skin and hair and told that is beautiful, when in actuality, they are the aberration. Anyway, I would be very happy to be that size and healthy these days, but I know that is unrealistic....heck I was only 15! lol So I am aiming for a more doable goal...now to figure out what doable is! lol Have a great day, and thank you. I think you are beautiful. HUGS! 
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
Carol, what can I say...you are such a warm and loving person. I am so glad that we are friends, and my heart hurts for you right now. I have been praying, and I am hoping that today is a better day for you. God does love us, and He is faithful, even when the outcome isn't what we had hoped for...and yes, let's be the women God intended us to be! Love you, my friend...take care of yourself, don't stress too much, and remember to give the load to God...28 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. 30 "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) HUGS!!! 
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
Gigi, I tend to compare myself to those closest to me. Sad, but true. I always feel like I come up short when I do that...I don't have the awesome job, the perfect figure, the big house, the friends that others are always spending time out having fun with, you know, the great, perfect life that so many seem to have...but I do have a wonderful husband, 2 amazing sons, 2 wonderful daughter's in law, siblings that love me, furbabies that adore me, a house, a car, and food. I just really struggle with trying to be healthy, to eat the right things, and get enough exercise. Why I am like this I don't know, but I found on Saturday, that this is a pretty common thing among most women. We compare ourselves to others, and we almost always find ourselves lacking. Sad, isn't it? The only way that I can overcome this is to trust that I am who God made me to be, warts and all, and that He knows the plans He has for me....11 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NASB95) Hugs, Gigi....love you! 
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss
skwhite, God is soooo good...He loves me and He has a plan for me...I need to trust Him. That is where my struggle comes in...I am a bit stubborn and tend to think I know more than God what His plan for me is, and then I kind of go awanderin'. LOL Need to keep my mind on what God wants for me. Have a great day!  
06 Mar 13 by member: ctlss


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