jadenc's Journal, 03 October 2007

I feel chatty so I think i need to enter a journal entry. I need to put my thoughts down.

Woohoo I am 1/3 down this road. Which means only 2/3 to go. Most likely it'll be more difficult than the first third but it's going to go ok. I now weigh 256, I used to be at 288. This is a a reduction of 11% of my body weight, which probably is quite a big deal. My BMI begun as 39.9 (by Canadian standards) and now i am at 35. Although still too high and still at risk of health diseases, I do think this is a dramatic improvement.

My biggest worry is my emotions. I am not currently depressed but I used to be for a long time, so I tend to have depressive/anxiety episodes. Although they are not frequent, they tend to "override", if you will, my normal thinking pattern and block simple reasoning skills. My last episode brought me back 15 days and I am very proud to have bounced back -- this is a huge step for me because normally I don't bounce back for a very long time after one of these episodes.

I live in a city where fashion is so important and how you look matters so much. It's just so frustrating not being able to purchase decent clothing. For example, most fashionable stores here have very few styles of jeans above 36". Some are found but they are so far and few between (and I'm not a huge fan of Old Navy). For a bigger man like myself that's a big deal. I can't help but feel a little bit pressured by society here not only to loose weight but to put on at least a little bit of muscle mass. Am I conforming to societal standards or am I another 'victim of mass media images' of unrealistic body images? If those bodies are so unrealistic why does it seem everyone in this city have that kind of body?

I do want to end my journal entry with a positive note. I have gone a long way. I generally feel better. I sleep better. I am doing this for myself and myself only. I am worth it. I will not be a victim of my emotional baggage and I will achieve my goal.

This is a rant of a rounder man :)