casandrajeune's Journal, 22 February 2013

Probably just water weight, but I have been more mindful and aware of what I am putting into my mouth, my emotions and my emotions at the time I am putting food into my mouth. I am focusing on being alive feeling, what feeling comes my way but not getting stuck in it or swept away by it. It ain't easy but I am on the path, on this Earth and in this life for a reason. Self-acceptance is what I am searching for in every endeavor. Someone to give me the courage to accept myself and I am not even sure why I do not/did not accept myself in the first place. My cat likes me just fine, my children love me why I don't know. My siblings & My father - our relationship is the best it has ever been. I have a "friend" who calls me lovely, but still this is not enough.... What is the underlying discontent. Where have I failed so miserably to warrant such treatment of myself? Even those who wish ill upon me had their moments of tenderness with me, even if it was for their own gratification.. I am curious about this, and I am curious as to why the numbers on the scale and the measurements on the tape some how equal my worth -most importantly self worth. I always thought that with a slender physique would come a good life, happiness, community and love. I have already had the passing thoughts that my behaviour, my words, my treatment of others is what ultimately gives me my positive energy about myself and my life. I am not really this terribly unhappy with my appearance. I recall as a young girl 2nd or 3rd grade thinking I am not a bad looking kid, but we musnt let anyone know of your self approval. So, I hid my approval of myself, hid my shine and put away my smile for another day only to walk around all sad faced and depressed. by elated and excited inside as self preservation to FIT IN, and not rock the boat with my individuality - for that always seemed to get me into trouble and no one likes trouble.. Until they decide they do.
226.0 lb Lost so far: 4.0 lb.    Still to go: 76.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entry for 22 February 2013:
500 kcal Fat: 3.00g | Prot: 8.00g | Carb: 111.00g.   Breakfast: krusteaz, coke. more...
losing 7.0 lb a week

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