FullaBella's Journal, 21 February 2013

“Whoever, at any time, has undertaken to build a new heaven has found the strength for it in his own hell...” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I've been working on my six month 'Operation Oatmeal' anniversary (coming up 2/25) by updating the 'Small but Subtle Changes' list. This is the list I started 90 days in when my resolve was faltering a bit (coincidentally Thanksgiving weekend) and became a list I continued to add to on a regular basis.

It's my list that reminds me that while the weight will leave me as slowly as it came on - one pound at a time, well, sometimes two on a big binge weekend - the things it took away from me weren't all that small at all. They were just subtle.

However, I feel one of the items I'd listed (coming soon LOL) deserved a full journal.

"I am becoming a force to be reckoned with".

Or should that be "I am becoming a force with which to be reckoned"? Sadly, no, my grammer hasn't improved. Something to live for I suppose.

Nonetheless, while I can attribute 'some' of the contributors behind 'the force' to age (experience) and weight loss (confidence) I know it's so much more.

It's personal integrity. Honesty and integrity with myself.

When I've lost weight in the past, I was a fraud - not only to others, but to myself. And that was the worst of all - lying to ME. I was the Jane Fonda of Bellawood.

I would never admit to anyone else that I was taking appetite suppressants or starving or binging & purging. When people would ask 'how are you losing so much weight' I would just say 'eating healthy' and leave it at that.

Of course, I did TRY to eat healthy. I would START healthy. But beneath it all was a ... a liar. A big fat starving, pill taking, laxative abusing, binging and purging liar. Far from healthy. Because eventually I gave in to the 'more, faster, faster' weight loss temptation and starvation gal stepped in bringing crazy eating disorder gal with her.

So even though I'd experience moments of confidence with the weight loss, the fact remained that I felt like a fraud, about to be discovered any second.

I KNOW some of this comes from being molested and abused when I was a child. I have grown up battling the effects of that tragedy and it affected everything behind my chameleon like personality, compulsive disorders and lack of confidence. I would receive amazing 'walk on water' reviews at every single occupation I filled yet everytime my boss stepped into my office, cube or their name showed up on my caller ID I just KNEW I was about to be fired. At the very least, in trouble.

This insecurity fed by being a fraud became my hell.

So here I am, trying to find my heaven.

Four days shy of my six month journey out of hell and I am pleased to acknowledge I've been above board every single day. I've been honest with myself. NO PILLS. One purge and that was in the first week when I looked at myself in the mirror and said 'Bella, you gotta find another way.'

That brought me here to FatSecret and with my friends I've felt acceptance at the 'real Bella' and had more support than I ever thought possible. I record everything ~ even that ridiculous mayo binge I had back in November. I've watched my diary bleed red when I exceeded my RDI. I admit my faults, confess my weaknesses, examine my challenges and fight my barriers.

And all along the way, you've all been here for me helping me think and wrap my head around 'I can eat healthy and still lose weight and feel better about myself and feel like I'm living my life with integrity.'

And with that, I'm growing stronger. I'm cool, calm, and I'm in control. Inside and out. It's not heaven yet. It may never be. But I no longer feel like I'm in hell.

And that alone was worthy of it's own journal. Thank you for reading and thank you for being here with me.

Bella

Diet Calendar Entries for 21 February 2013:
1385 kcal Fat: 75.50g | Prot: 95.50g | Carb: 97.16g.   Breakfast: Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee, Muesli, Flax Seed, Nostimo. Lunch: John Soules Chicken, Portabella Mushrooms, John Soules Beef, Avocado. Dinner: Avocado, John Soules Beef, Portabella Mushrooms, John Soules Chicken. Snacks/Other: Simply Kraft Cottage Cheese, Sartori, Blackberries, Strawberries, Smart Balance Peanut Butter, Dark Chocolate Almond Spread . more...
2078 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
Lovely journal...You have come a long way my friend..and lying to your self is so no good for you...cause the guilt alone will throw you..so proud of you and what you have done for YOU...keep it up girl..Keep it up...Bless your heart...(smiling)...:O) 
21 Feb 13 by member: BHA
Excellent journal! We have come a long way, baby! And the right way, too!  
21 Feb 13 by member: RiverRes
Great journal today... confession is good for the soul, or so the saying goes. And having a safe place where you can spill out your thoughts without fear is a wonderful thing. That's why I made my journal private to buddies only because my husband sees me typing away and wonders why I don't want him reading my journal - thinking I am keeping some deep dark secrets or something when all I really want is a safe place to vent my fears and frustrations. So when he joked that he would make up a fake profile and send me a buddy request, I was not amused. Anyway, good job being honest with yourself and making it out of the abyss. You've got lots of hands reaching out to keep you from falling back in. Grab on any time you need :)  
21 Feb 13 by member: evelyn64
A wonderful journal entry...being honest about ourselves is sometimes the most difficult. Inside we know our vulnerabilities and usually spend our entire lifetimes guarding and protecting them...to share them with others is to many unthinkable. I commend you on wanting to share some of your history with us. The one thing I have learned on FS is that this is the most supportive and loving group of people and each of us has his or her story. No one judges or competes. We are accepted for who we are and loved for even who we aren't. Again congratulations on all your good work.  
21 Feb 13 by member: 2227Gwen
You get the gold star for best journal entry of the day. Thank you so much for sharing. I think so many of us - including me - can relate. We've tried. We've failed. We've cheated. We've used pills. Laxatives. The works. Every "trick" in the book. And then we come here, and find out that the "trick" is so simple. The trick to losing weight is to be honest, to ask for help, to eat what we essentially already knew we were supposed to be eating, and live life as we go through the change. Who knew? :) Again, thank you so much for sharing. It's 8:30 am and you already made my day. :) Also, I just took a look at your weight graph. You've done SO well. Your success is REALLY consistent. Well done, Bella.  
22 Feb 13 by member: kingkeld
Bella thank you for the journal. Having a place to record your thoughts and get support in an anonymous way makes for a strong combination on this one bite at a time journey. I think the reading and the writing of the words makes us all stronger. 
22 Feb 13 by member: sharonfriz
You are my friend and my inspiration Bella. <3 
22 Feb 13 by member: teskandar
Bella, I like where you are "at". Or should that be I like where you are Bella? Screw prepositions and the spelling they flew in on or on which they flew. Seriously I cannot imagine what you have been through and to come out on this heavenly side is proof of your deligence to improve. I've lost weight several different ways over the past 40 years and it probably has taken a huge toll on my body. Let's just hope that we can learn from each other how to stay in heaven.  
22 Feb 13 by member: Neptunebch
When I was younger I had this great idea to quite eating until I reached the weight I wanted to be at...seemed like a good idea at the time. It took almost a week before I passed out. I think a lot of us have done many stupid things trying to find a quick and easy fix to our weight problems, things that ultimately made it worse. I love your introspective journals, I can see myself in them. 
22 Feb 13 by member: fatoldlady
Ah Great timing on this journal...and I love Nietzsche's quote, so appropriate. I needed to read this, I am not alone...and neither are you. 
22 Feb 13 by member: Djburney
Like Djburney, I agree great timing. Thank you being open and so honest about your journey and past. Really helps me remember that we all fight demons and we aren't alone. Gratitude to you Bella, much gratitude :-) 
22 Feb 13 by member: thynes
Bella, Brave journal. You are inspiring me to brave acts of my own. Thank you for your honesty. I can feel your pain. Your 'blood' has not been spilt in vain. You are 'becoming' all you ever wanted to be. Admiration my friend, admiration! 
22 Feb 13 by member: sarahsmum
I've no doubt after reading your journal that you will make it to "your heaven ." Your an amazing person and I admire your strength . Good luck on your journey .. Blessing ~Gina  
22 Feb 13 by member: Mynewhope
Thank you everyone for the very kind and supportive comments - it means a lot to me that you take the time to check in and read my journals and even more that you respond so supportively and appreciate what I'm trying to achieve. If my admission of facing my demons inspires to you to battle yours then I feel it's worth laying myself open for review. Thank you all again ~ I'm so glad I found this place and have such wonderful friends helping me.  
22 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Wow, Bella. I'm speechless. That.was.beautiful.  
23 Feb 13 by member: Baxie
Bella, thank you for your words, for being honest... I admire you and would like you to be my friend on my way to losing weight.  
24 Feb 13 by member: carmenleo
Thank you Baxie & Carmen for reading and your kind comments. 
24 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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