madaboutmoose's Journal, 16 February 2013

Thinking a journal entry tonight will suffice for Sunday. It's been a long day. My supervision didn't materialize, will try again for tomorrow am. My supervisee was too worn out and wanted another day to recoup from her work week. No worries. I goofed off some and when DH got up we began tackling our budget. Hours later we have a two week plan and an ongoing plan to do this together. We've talked about his participation but it never pans out. I'm the "rock" am
and caretaker ( too much) in our family. As those of you who've known me a while these past few years have been quite difficult. In fact, we both still live with the "not knowing" how long DH has on this earth. Now I know, technically none of us "knows" but we don't usually live with the awareness that life may be cut short, so to speak, on a regular basis. He and I do. Anyway, that situation, along with other less than optimal coping strategies on both our parts is a part of my journey to our recent uh-oh crisis. So I'm really working at saying things I think and not holding everything in. It's challenging. Old habits are known and comfortable even if they result in less than optimal results.

So, while things are improving I'm still struggling. I'm still sleeping alone (though he says its because he is not sleeping well and doesn't want to disturb me it is difficult to not take that personally. I'm pretty sure he doesn't yet get how his withdrawal from me impacts me. He hasn't quite figured out his part in this dance. I do wish he would join me in therapy but for now it can be the place where I sort things out and come back here to journey on. He clearly is struggling too, though when I ask he says "nothing" when a blind and deaf person could detect something was amiss. I pushed it a little tonight, carefully wording my inquiry in such a way that I wasn't pushing too much. His response? It's not about you. I wanted to share with him that while it may not be technically about me it does impact me. Just like my "issue" though technically not about him impacted him. But I didn't. Just didn't feel right to say more right then. There will be another opportunity. This happens a lot.

Am I saying too much here? If so, will someone p,ease kindly tell me in a private message and I'll delete this and curb my processing.

In the midst though ... I am grateful ands life is good. Grateful today for

Decent communication about our budget and money.
A plan in place.
Red snapper for dinner.
Chicken soup planned for tomorrow.
Two more consecutive days off work.
Taxes begun.

Kindness. Patience. Trust. Breathing. Waiting. Hope.

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Comments 
I think the processing is so important and takes a long time. Issues often have many layers. I for one want to be here for you whatever the topic...it s all part of the same ....joys stressors ....its a journal : )  
17 Feb 13 by member: sharonfriz
Yeah Carol it's your journey, your reality ... it's part of who you are. My gut is telling me that perhaps your husband is dealing with "fear". He wouldn't be the first person to live in denial. Cooping takes many forms. Wanting to escape one's pain whether it be physical or emotional is understandable I guess? It's stinks for you. I was chatting with a 50 year last night who was told that his chemo treatments aren't working. Now he is being interviewed by different clinics (one being Mayo, another in Maryland) to be part of some experimental studies. He is plowing through it, but the look on his face tells you that it's tough. Take today and squeeze it for all it's worth .... the juices could provides memories forever.  
17 Feb 13 by member: glen
Love the comments from the male perspective, Glen. I think that's so needed here. You're doing great, Carol. You need to talk through it. I totally understand. Such a difficult place you're in and how different it would be were he not sick now. You do need to take care of you. I'll keep reminding you (and you can remind me).  
17 Feb 13 by member: Helewis
Hey Carol, I am feeling your pain....your heart breaking. Yes, you are the rock and that's the way you will have to remain. It WILL get you through all this. Journal away and sort your feelings. You are such a special person. Thanks for sharing. Hubby doesn't realize he is being selfish now but I suppose it's not only pain but the depression that goes along with it. Here for you, kiddo. Chin up. Be strong. Be vocal, and don't hold back. 
17 Feb 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
Tears in my eyes after reading the above comments. Thank you. Glen I'm sure fear is a big part of it. I need to not take it personally and figure out how to live with it even if it doesn't change. I believe our thought fuel our emotions and by changing our thoughts and behaviors we can shift horrid emotions to more tolerable ones. That's the path I'm walking for me. I wish he would do the same. Maybe he is and I just don't know it. I may still need to be the rock but I can't be a rock in isolation. That is one of the things I'm changing. Thanks for walking this journey with me Sharon, Glen, Mom2boxers, Heather and those who haven't yet commented. Can't imagine it without you! 
17 Feb 13 by member: madaboutmoose
Carol your journal is one of your special places to express your feelings. You can say whatever you want on here. As a friend I want to be here and listen to you. You've listened to me so many times, and helped me I wish I can do the same. I like when you say there will be other opportunities to talk to your husband, this is very important to recognize your right to talk and ask questions.  
17 Feb 13 by member: barbabella
Hi Moose I've been missing for quite a while but you have been in my thoughts. I have had a stroke and had to stay with my daughter when I was discharged. Back home now and almost recovered. Have not caught up on journals yet. Keep smiling through the journey 
17 Feb 13 by member: flaxseed
Please don't stop writing about these things. This is your place to talk about whatever you need to talk about. Glad it sounds like things are moving. Always better than being stuck. Glenn's comments about fear make total sense.  
17 Feb 13 by member: beets_yum
Carol what can I say that hasn't already been said? I know how you are struggling with all of this and I am here for you too. Always! 
18 Feb 13 by member: chattycathy1955
Hi Carol, Feb 19, no journal in a couple of days always makes us worry. Hoping things are okay and you are just busy. You know how dear you are to all of us.  
19 Feb 13 by member: sarahsmum
oh I see.  
19 Feb 13 by member: cindyshine

     
 

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