FullaBella's Journal, 15 February 2013

Bella's Valentine Day Massacre

Ugh - the clouds are back and with the departure of my sun so fled the cheery in my mood. Along with the gloomy sky arrived a slight rain sprinkling provoking a breathholding 'hurry hurry' thought to the guys putting a new roof on my building. If we get a downpour mid-roof I'll lose the very last ounce of my composure still remaining after three days of listening to the constant bangbangbangitybangbanging.

On the heels of my very happy epiphany yesterday I experienced a sad realization: the loss of my ability to read MH. In the past, he's always denied Valentines Day plans; this year was no different. Well, yeah, it was. For over two decades I've experienced 'the bigger the protest, the bigger the demonstration.' I've often wondered if he wasn't a direct descendent of the Ringling Brother's as he was like a one man show on Vday - huge 4'x4' arrangements of exotic flowers, balloons, musical teddy bears, jewelry boxes, diamonds... all in one day. That big. So yesterday as the daylight departed and nothing arrived, so departed the comfort one feels of really knowing their companion. I'm not so silly or materialistic that I needed more "stuff" - I just feel sad that I lost another part of him somewhere within the past year.

Then my fish died. Yeah, I know, I'm displaying all of the maturity of an 8 year old today. I've had fish & tanks in the past but not for a long time. I've been considering getting one for a couple of years now and really working through the pros and cons and the what, where & why's. Last night I finally picked up a beautiful male crown Beta at the Walmart ~ in my continued effort to avoid my ever compulsive behavior I told myself 'start small'. It died last night This silly little fish survived who knows how long in a small plastic container on the shelf at Walmart despite an unknown number of people tapping it's tub or shaking it yet less than 12 hours in my possession it died. I cried. I know I only possessed it less than 12 hours but I feel like with all the thought I've put into it I've had it a couple of years. So my fish-o-cide has me wondering if I even need to pursue the aquarium at all.

But inbetween the MH realization and Betadeath - I behaved REALLY REALLY badly. My stepdaughter brought me, for Valentines day, a DOZEN CHOCOLATE DIPPED STRAWBERRIES.

You know how 'later' you think of the 'right' response? That was me. Later. Instead of saying 'Oh, thank you - how very kind' and then tossing them in the trash, passing them out to my customers today (and I'm sure I'll have one any minute now ....) or some other mature gracious acceptance, I took one look at them, then her and gave her a shake of my head saying 'No.' And the more she tried to argue 'come one, you can treat yourself this one time' the worse my behavior.

Yeah, there are pros and cons to the whole thing period. Much like saying yesterday 'I just wanted someone to notice me' - I felt like 'aren't you even freaking paying attention to how hard I'm working to lose weight?' She gave me an apologetic look and said 'I'm sorry, I ordered them a month ago' and rather than, again, being kind and gracious that she'd been thinking THAT far ahead... I responded 'and I've been changing my health for six months...so...?'

It was poor behaviour on my part. Poor planning on hers that of all the things you COULD give someone who's made it very evident they're trying to win the war with food situations, chocolate strawberries isn't one of them.

YES, I know, all things in moderation. YES, I know, I had chocolate the other day. But that will be MY decision. If an alcoholic decides to drink, let THEM make that decision. Don't enable!

TRUTH be TOLD - and I couldn't even keep THAT part of my mouth shut - I don't LIKE them. They always look so good in theory but something about biting into them just doesn't bring me a party in my mouth as expected.

But still, no excuse for my stupid behavior so I phoned her back over and apologized and cried and cried because it was the only gift I got on Valentines day and I was rude about it.

So in summary -
I feel more disconnected than ever from MH
I killed an innocent little fish
I was rude to someone trying to give me a gift.

Then I woke this morning to a cloudy day which of course caused me to walk bent over like the letter "S" so as I was trying to stretch out my back walking slow on the treadmill, I hit the cord to my headphones and ripped them out of my ears in one motion that distracted me so I fell off the treadmill and ... well...

I tell ya, if Al Capone were still around he'd probably recruit me for his next VDM.

Bella the BetaFlusher

Diet Calendar Entries for 15 February 2013:
1179 kcal Fat: 49.20g | Prot: 99.65g | Carb: 85.80g.   Breakfast: Schwans Blueberry, Flax Seed, Coffee, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coconut Oil, Fage . Lunch: Chicken Breast, Celery, Onion, Coleslaw, Carrots. Dinner: Breakfast Ham Hormel, Egg white, Egg, Spinach, Tomato, Kraft Jalepeno String. Snacks/Other: Cottage Cheese Food Club, Schwan Triple Berry. more...
2109 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


Awwww bless your heart...you need a break girl...:O) 
15 Feb 13 by member: BHA
Hmmm. Where to begin? First the fish. You were a liberating force to the poor Beta in the cup. I feel so bad when I see those poor fish. Your tank was probably too clean and that sent it into shock. I have kept aquariums for the nearly 20 years. I have had fish live for 10+ years and I cried like a mother when they died. If this is a start up aquarium for you, they sell some concoctions at the pet store that will help you get your aquarium started with the right water chemistry and bacterial balance. Try that first, then get a gold fish. The gold fish will help you get the water chemistry balanced. Do 25-50% water change outs every 1-2 weeks and then in a month, go get another beta. He will outlive your gold fish and he will reap the benefits of water that is ready for him to live in. I am sorry that your hubby missed VD. With everything he is going through, it may have proved difficult to get something arranged. Is it possible for you and he to celebrate a belated VD this weekend? Perhaps dinner out or a nice meal in? And lastly, the SD. I have had some really good intentioned people blow it completely when they try to arrange food for the "new and improved Paula". They don't get it, they just don't. It is OK. It is harder, though, when people within your inner circle don't get it. Considering your history with her, I wouldn't have accepted them given her previous attempts at bringing about your demise! You had every right to say no! Here is hoping tomorrow is a brighter day for you!  
15 Feb 13 by member: RiverRes
@Bren - thank you. I know, it's all little stuff it just seemed bigger with the domino effect as it happened. @Paula, the thing about MH was he didn't forget nor does he lack the means or access to do something. He is limited physically but he still continues to move mountains from his recliner with his contacts and a cell phone. I'm not upset that he didn't do anything, seriously. I'm sad that he'd made such a show of denying he was going to do anything (like, 3-4 times a day) that to have to realize this time he really meant it MEANS I am not as intuitive with him as I've always been ~ I'm not sure if that makes sense. We are polar opposites but always connected. Like, early in our marriage, the more I protested the expense of his gifting, the more it grew! I once said 'do you realize last VD was the equivalent of a car payment?' his response was 'Babe, we make 24 of those a year, Valentines comes Once.' That kind of thing. Again, had he not done his usual 'nothing's going to happen' I wouldn't have expected anything. I feel ... like... now even more of him is MIA. OH well, enough. The fish? Well, there's more behind that too. I'd named him 'Valentine' *silly, huh?* and when he died.. well, you finish the sentence. Hence me crying over a dead fish. I've had aquariums but didn't want to go that big ~ so my 'start small' to fail in less than 24 hours was like a sign... Valentines were dead.. and so was my dream of having something lifelike living around me. Good grief, would someone turn on the LIGHTS outside!! I need SUN! 
15 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Aww Bella glad V-Day is over. It sounds dreadful. I am a huge fish person and have had tanks in the past for years. There is nothing worse than losing a fish - NOTHING okay except maybe a friend or relative or cat or dog. But I cried too. I had one fish that looked like it had been hit by a Mack truck (it came with the tank) for 13 years. I still cry when I think about him. 1 day or 13 years doesn't matter. Sorry your DIL didn't go with the flowers. I only wish I could be so honest as you. At least she knows exactly what is on your mind and I truly believe that is best even if it isn't pretty. 
15 Feb 13 by member: Neptunebch
Neptune, thank you - yeah, once I apologized she 'said' she was glad she now knows ((I don't like them)) otherwise she'd have likely ordered them again Mother's Day ::: to which I thought ... 'did the past 1/2 hour teach you nothing? :::: But as much as my candor is to be envied, it needs to be tempered while I get control of (mine) and I know that. As Paula remembers, this was the same SD who put weed killer in my iced tea when she was younger and I've never eaten anything from her that wasn't tamperproof since yet I do know 'somewhere' in this old body should be some manners and grace ~ they just weren't here last night. I think they're somewhere warm & sunny. I should go find them... 
15 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Wish I could send you some of our sunshine; just 53 degrees, but gorgeous. I'm sorry you had such of a 4-car pile-up of a VD. My partner gave me TWO one pound boxes of See's Chocolates (one heart-shaped), and I didn't say "no thanks", sigh. I hope today is shaping up better for you. Oh, bad thought; what if you had handed out the strawberries to customers & they were "spiked"; you made the right choice, even if it was a bit less gracefully than you would have preferred.  
15 Feb 13 by member: crabby Kat


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