FullaBella's Journal, 14 February 2013

Fruitcakes by: Jimmy Buffett
You know I was talking to my friend Desdemona the other day. She runs this space station and bake shop down near Boomtown. She told me that human beings are flawed individuals. The cosmic bakers took us out of the oven a little too early. And that's the reason were as crazy as we are and I believe it.

Yeah, I know. Yesterday it was movies; today it's music. Hey, I have to give y'all a break from the voices in my head now and then.

If I ever do give in and get professional therapy I sure hope the therapist is accommodating and patient as I do my best free thinking in my bathroom. Maybe it's just one big metaphor for flushing the crap out of my head.

My point is, based on the intro, we are ALL flawed individuals. It just took me a long time to realize it, accept it, and stop chasing an elusive dream.

In a previous journal I explored my quest of the cliche 'you can never be too rich or too thin'. To me, the two always went hand in hand. I never quite understood how rich people could be so miserable. Or as one comedian says: "Rich people who claim money doesn't buy happiness.... well, they just don't know how to shop."

That's sort of true. Wealthy people don't sweat the stuff we normal folk worry over daily like mortgages, car payments, insurance, food, new shoes for the kids who's feet seem to be growing over night and medicine.

But rich AND thin? Yeah, I have been connecting the two for YEARS. If you weren't born thin, well, by golly, buy it. Get it nipped, tucked, sucked, pumped, extended and smoothed out. The world is at your fingertips; all you had to do was point. And smile.

Of course it took me half a century and a lot of bathroom discussions to wrap my head around 'thin isn't the equivalent of happy; they may be smiling in those photos in the society columns but what happens when the camera turns away?'

So on the heels of my realization recently that I've been stumbling down the path of stupid so many years, wherein I realized 'Thin People really DO eat all they Want... but their version of 'all they want' doesn't mean every meal is a pie-eating contest' I discovered a new issue in my screwed up psyche.

This may get complicated to explain. It made sense in my head. Now I have to see if I can translate it to words.

FOR ME - (this is my disclaimer saying Me, Bella, not you) for ME - I realized another 'stinkin thinkin', as my friend Isabella calls it, was: sometimes I wore my weight like a billboard purposely.

It was my antithesis of 'thin and happy'. I was miserable. I was miserable thin and miserable fat. This was because I had achieved THIN without all of this work I'm doing right now sorting it out mentally and emotionally. And I'd regained weight for the same reason. I never stopped at 10lbs or 50lbs or 100lbs and said 'whoa... where is this going...?" because, I didn't want to admit the answer.

I wanted someone to notice how unhappy I was. And save me. But they never did. I had to save myself. Yes, you have all been fabulous, inspiring and supportive, but I had to grab the lifesaver first. We all do.

I knew how I deduced thin people as happy but I wasn't happy thin so maybe gaining the weight back would put my emotional issues back out on Main Street and someone would ask 'Bella, are you okay?'

Because, No, No I wasn't okay. Not by a long shot.

Not all obese people have emotional problems. I'm not labeling anyone BUT ME.

How do I know this is in fact ONE of the reasons?

Because, in the bathroom this morning, I had a flashback to a conversation I'd had with someone a few years ago.

As you know MH is very ill and has been for a long time. He's a very likeable, memorable guy so at every single one of many trade shows where known acquaintances wonder how he's doing, they open EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION with 'How's he doing?'

So much to the point that for a while I joked I was going to legally change my name to "Howsie". Howsie Bella. Has quite a ring to it, don't you think?

And being the worn out exhausted caretaker takes it's toll on me, some days more than others. So one time, when one of our friends greeted me with 'Howsie...' and I lost it. Big time.

"You know, I'm SICK and TIRED of EVERY $%#$ conversation beginning with HIM. Don't you even see how SICK I am? How much WEIGHT I've gained? Have you noticed that I've gained over 100 pounds since we met?? Do you even notice me?? That my face is RED and I'm breathing hard just WALKING across the room? You know, I COUNT TOO!!!!'

Recalling that conversation this morning - I made the connection. Along with just eating mindlessly, consuming when I wasn't hungry, binging when emotional, going for the quick and easy junk food rather than taking the time to prepare something healthy... along with all of that... I also had an agenda.

As mentioned the other day - yeah, most of the time, we just want to sneak in the room unnoticed. Not pull every glance and worry about the judgement. TRUE.

But *I* have to admit that for *ME* - as subliminal and unconscious as it was - I had an agenda. I WANTED to be noticed. WITHOUT having to verbalize the 'What about Me?"

So - wow. I now know yet another of my 'stinkin thinkin' failures. As I continue to muddle along with all of this, when I'm hurting or sad, I won't use weight to get attention. Didn't do me any good anyway. The only one who suffered was me.

Time to treat myself better going forward.

Or.. to use another line in Fruitcakes: 'I treat my body like a temple; you treat yours like a tent'

While I do get my best work done in the outhouse... I need to stop treating my body like one.

And that's not the rest of the story - just another chapter.

Diet Calendar Entries for 14 February 2013:
1293 kcal Fat: 79.22g | Prot: 66.11g | Carb: 80.94g.   Breakfast: Coconut Oil, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee, Flax Seed, Schwans Blueberry. Lunch: Prime Rib, Whole Baby Carrots, Sartori Cheese, Celery, Laughing Cow, Sabra Hummus. Dinner: Babybel Gouda, Smart Balance Chunky Peanut Butter. more...
2109 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


OMG Bella, this touched me on so many levels. I don't want to do the mental work you are doing, too scared to even think about starting, but I read so much of ME in your journal. You are a very brave lady putting that all out there. By the way, how is your husband? Sorry, I couldn't resist. Congrats again on all this work, I hope and pray it sticks for you. I have had epiphany's before and they leave my brain with nary a trace - sigh.  
14 Feb 13 by member: sarahsmum
Eating to be noticed. I get it. For me I think it was the opposite - eating to disappear, not wanting attention, not knowing what to do with it if I got it somehow. Funny how we are all wired differently - and yet the same. I may be wrong, but from what I've seen in the movies and on tv (my only reference heretofore), a therapist is really only someone who knows the right questions to ask to make you come up with answers that make you understand yourself better. Who needs therapists when we have journals where we can pour our hearts out in relative anonymity, have our own epiphanies and get feedback from others who have either lived through the same thing or can empathize with our plight. And it's free! Great therapy session today, Bella - a lot of ground covered :) 
14 Feb 13 by member: evelyn64
'Bella, are you okay?' Did the sun go back behind the clouds today? I agree with sarahsmum that most of us are afraid to think about this. I know I am. When I start doing good do I purposely blow my diet because I don't feel I am worthy?  
14 Feb 13 by member: 2toofat
Sandi - I'm really good - see, that's why when some folks tell me I should be a writer I think 'if only you knew....' Because I was really happy that I made this connection today. This is one more thing I realized that I do / did to myself. I've lost the big weight FOUR times and gained it back each time despite the 'never again'. This TIME I'm making myself do the work to figure out the 'WTF Happened' so I won't have to do it all again. I'm good.. sun is out.. it's all good today. Diet 'unblown' - still recording, eating mindfully, all is well in Bellawood today. 
14 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
@Isabel - he's fine, LOL... I'm so accustomed to that question about a million times a day it took me a second to get the joke :-) Yeah, putting myself out there, ya know .. as @Evelyn said - who really needs to pay for some $$$ therapist to poke around and ask the questions when I have this great journal and support system of people to read and comment and give me feedback. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned whenever I'm in the car alone I talk outloud and pretend a really great therapist is over there asking the questions. I can ask myself 'and how did that make you feel' pretty well. The fact that you all come here, read what I write and still treat me kindly despite what I write is pretty nice. I don't think any of my ephinany's would have stuck as well as they have if not for this site and my wonderful friends. As for being afraid to think about this stuff or even admit it in print, despite the relative anonymity, well, yeah, it can be hard. But I made a bargain with myself at the beginning of this I was going to get the nonsense over once and for all, and if it takes maybe embarrassing myself a bit with these journals, so be it. Again, I'm greatful to all of you that you continue to accept me, all of me. Thank you again. 
14 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
I just read a book where the main character struggled with the consequences of being bullied in high school and having taken part in bullying to "fit in" and the guilt that continued to crush her; how she loved her life in a cubicle at work, all alone in her condo with her Doritos and House rerun marathons and long hot baths by herself, never having been kissed because she built a wall between herself of overweight and extreme introversion. She had one real friend. I know this has nothing to do with YOUR life, but the introspection and soul searching and realizations she came to in this book do strike a similar note to your journaling (which I love, btw). She fell in love on Twitter, found her voice, her inner care free self, and slowly built that person into her reality. There were falls backwards, gains and losses, but she got her writing career on track by writing an article on bullying, which morphed (with the help of her online love and a young man who's life her writing saved) into a national movement and film. The main message was that you can heal the painful things in yourself by reaching out and helping others. Bella, that's you, my friend; you reach out daily and help others. We notice and love you for it. Fist bomb! 
14 Feb 13 by member: crabby Kat
Hey girl..it seems us care givers are just that.. givers of our time..to the point we lose our self in the process..and everyone else does too..no one thinks what the care giver has to put up with and we get swallowed up in it all..we are lost and bored and scared and lonely etc...and it hurts to think no one cares at all...just saying.. Hugs girl...:O) 
14 Feb 13 by member: BHA
Bella, Now that you've identified your personal agenda hope this breakthrough will stop your struggles. There is a little of all of us in your post. What a strong and courageous person you are to do what you do every day. And yes, it's time for you now. 
14 Feb 13 by member: cjmurph
That is quite the bathroom breakthrough - impressed with you for making the connection and for sharing it with us.. You rock, chica - work that new mantra like my buddy Sazy.. "My body is not a dustbin" ;) 
14 Feb 13 by member: erika2633
@Kitkat - that book sounds so close to my life I'm wondering if I need to sue for permission rights, LOL. What is the name of the book, please. Fist Bomb! @Bren - yeah, it's easy to get lost, hard to not feel like a whiney baby saying 'someone pay attention to ME today, please' and as you'll see if you read my journal today I'll confess how I lost control of 'that' emotion yesterday. @CJ - thank you. To clarify, a lot of the weight gain was other things - mindless eating, poor choices, being complacent but with each door I unlock in the nuthouse that is my mind, I feel I'm closer to clearing out the ghosts. Ahh... enough metaphors. @Erika - thank you. Yep, not a tent, outhouse or dustbin. Going to treat my body and mind more like a temple. Or at least, a really nice suite at the Plaza :-) Thanks again, everyone. Bella 
15 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Bella, I think you have really spoken for more than "ME" because if I had the verbal/communicative skills that you do I think you said exactly what I would have said. I had a therapist for 10 years and he never brought all of that out of me. He did say that I used my weight to keep the guys away but not why. Probably because I couldn't put into words what I didn't know and needed him to tell me. If I were a therapist I would love having you as my patient because you "get you". So when you call the committee together in the bathroom for your meetings do they now no not to bring donuts? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with so much going on in my head. Guess that is why I take the iPad to the bathroom and listen to Pandora and play solitare. :) Thank you as usual for a very thoughtful journal.  
15 Feb 13 by member: Neptunebch
Awww, Neptune.. thank you. Your therapist may have been right and in my teens and early 20's I did use the weight as a shield against men because I'd been molested as a child but to have regained the weight in my 40's I had to figure out 'ok, WhatElse was going on Then?' instead of repeatedly playing 'the abused child' card for the 'emotional' eating. No, no music or snacks in the sanctuary outhouse as That's the only place I can find far enough away from the constant clatter of MH's TV. The only games are those going on in my head :-) 
15 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Again, you touch on what is common for so many of us - hiding behind a facade so that people don't know how hurt we are. I have pushed so many well intended people away; I live on an island virtually by myself. I have known for years that I gained weight to keep the ex from accusing me of having afairs (he still did) and to make it so I wouldn't have to deal with some people - you can count on people ignoring the heavier person in the room, thinking of them negatively, etc. Just like in another recent Bella journal where you discussed people's thoughts associated with you and a slimmer friend eating out together. Bella, you really make me think. You help me realize the moat around my island just needs a bridge. I am very grateful for you, your thought provoking journals, and the support you show me personally. Thank you, my friend! 
15 Feb 13 by member: RiverRes
Bless you Paula. You know, I've done the big loss twice in my marriage and both times some nitwits would say to MH 'you better watch out' and while of course nothing happened his suspicions made me crazy. So I can soooo identify with that very approach. Like, 'well gee, as long as I'm overweight, MH will stand down...' and you know what, I still get the suspicions from time to time too - I guess it's just insecurity. BUT, like everything else I continue to come to grips with every single day - I can't be overweight just to protect him or me. I have to be able to be healthy, inside and out, to take care of both of us. I'm so grateful for you too ~ for everyone here. I just come out here and clear my head. Maybe I'll get there, cross that drawbridge to peace and serenity. Let's cross it together, shall we? 
15 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella


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