FullaBella's Journal, 13 February 2013

"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?"

That's a line from one of my favorite movies: Broadcast News. While I'm Aaron inside, I'm totally Jane on the outside. A pushy, demanding, obsessive controlling closet nutcase. I'm not being hard on myself. This review comes from my friends & family who point at me everytime the movie airs.

So in the spirit of pushy Jane - my team members may stand down. No late night meeting this week. I finally stepped on the scale after a week of ignoring it and can record a 2lb loss.

But more than that, I can record a week that began with a little nervous hesitation from not grabbing my crutch (scale) multiple times throughout the day. The hesitation evolved into a feeling of emancipation and that finally settled into liberation.

And with the freedom of that liberation, I'm actually getting some good work done. I'm thinking about my life and health based on more than a number. I have faith the number will take care of itself as long as I continue to eat correctly. My mood has not been dependent upon a needle moving back and forth.

Granted, had the needle gone in the opposite direction this journal would have started on a completely different note. Likely one of 'what the heck happened... I'm still at a deficit... could it be that 'thing' I ate that 'day'? Hence the 'desperation' quote at the beginning.

But as I continued to record everything I ate (to the best of my ability including my meal out plus a very odd craving for the crispy roasted fat part of a prime rib I cooked Sunday) I felt it was important not to give in to the temptation of allowing the scale to validate my life.

I knew there would be a day of reckoning so that kept me on track. I just don't need reckoning daily - it's too frustrating.

So for this journal, I am already telling myself if the scale does go up next Wednesday - so be it. The scale will STILL go back on the chair in the laundry room for another week. I will just say to myself as Jane would say: Just what do you want from me anyway, permission to be a fake? Stop whining.

Should two weeks in a row of gains occur then I'll call a team meeting. So y'all can stand down and relax ~ we are at level one for at least two weeks.

Also, when I noted the loss this morning, I immediately began composing my journal in my head ala 'well, meeting with the boss went pretty good' as I'd compared the scale to a boss in my journal last week.

Well, maybe it was the boss for the past 5 months. Today, it was demoted. No inanimate object will be the boss of me. It's a tool. Just like my toothbrush. Still of the status to be checked on weekly but no more daily. I'm not one to micromanage. The scale, that is. I still brush my teeth twice a day.

But I still have a bag of tricks. I'm no where NEAR healthy yet. You're not getting rid of me that easy.

For example, I set my RDI at just about the same as my RMR. I figure if I don't exceed 'that' for the day, I may not lose weight but I shouldn't gain. Also, because I know my mind plays tricks with wanting to 'eat less to lose weight' it actually TRICKS me when I see my RDI at 58% or 65% of my RDI. I'm still below what FS calculates I should have, and... crazy as it is, that one is working for me.

If this actually reads as if I'm chipper today - I am. Not because of the weight though. The SUN IS SHINING! I cannot believe how much that affects my moods now. In the past, I found a cloudy day invigorating. NOW, either thanks to age, hormones or a bad economy, I get so depressed I'm pathetic.

Sunshine in February ~ I'll take it!

Thanks for reading. Have a good day.
Bella

PS - for those of you who are even earlier bird risers than me, let me be the first to wish you Happy Valentines Day tomorrow! Hope you all get plenty of roses and diamonds!

Diet Calendar Entries for 13 February 2013:
1419 kcal Fat: 45.22g | Prot: 119.97g | Carb: 135.15g.   Breakfast: Coconut Oil, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee, Raisins, Chobani Blueberry, Flax Seed. Lunch: Sabra Hummus, Whole Spicy Pickles, Albacore Tuna Chunk. Dinner: Schwan Salmon, Italian Green Beans Allens. Snacks/Other: Prime Rib, Cottage Cheese Food Club, Fage, Schwan Triple Berry. more...
2109 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

   Support   

Comments 
I'm totally inspired by your entry and truly hope you don't mind that I, a total stranger, "eavesdropped" on you ruminations. I wish you an equally beautiful Valentine's Day - Ce 
13 Feb 13 by member: Sweet Ce
I couldn't agree more, my Angel, with the freeing feeling of only weighing once/week. Should we hook up our scales so they can commiserate about their demotions & spend their new free time together? I told mine he can't apply for unemployment yet... or ever... but if yours is a girl, maybe we'll be future in-laws?!? xoxox  
13 Feb 13 by member: Ruhu
P.S. Happy Valentine's Day to you too, my angelic friend!  
13 Feb 13 by member: Ruhu
Sweet Ce - thank you for stopping by and commenting - come back anytime. I sent you a buddy request. Angel - I'm not sure we need to partner our scales - they may decide to reproduce! I'm sure they've figured out a way to communicate telepathically :-) I thought about you nearly every day - how you reacted to a loss & a gain ((even this morning ... awwww)) and I just couldn't do it. I'm still going to be like you - ala - once I get to my goal weight (((whatEVER that will eventually be))) I'm going to be mindful and pay attention so I don't get back to 285 again but I'm glad we don't have to face a scale daily to get there. Viva La Scaleless!! (( can you tell the sun is still shining, LOL!)) 
13 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Congrats Bella, you are well on your way to maintaining any and all losses. Changing the 'stinkin thinkin' is at the heart of this journey.  
14 Feb 13 by member: sarahsmum
Thank you Isabel. Yes - I am actually feeling stronger and more satisfied than ever before. I'm not thinking 'sigh.. this is the rest of my life - starved and miserable? ' Every time I really think about it - the quantity of food I eat and the quality with no restriction - I'm very happy and continue to pray my gratitude daily. 
14 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Happy Valentine's Day!!!!  
14 Feb 13 by member: Rubie-sue
oooh roses and diamonds....I'll let you know....although seriously doubt I'll get any diamonds lol!! 
14 Feb 13 by member: triaby
Congratulations, Bella, on that loss! I used to weigh daily...it is soooo frustrating when it fluctuates up and down...as a friend of mine says, "flucing fluctuations"! Glad that you have relegated that scale to it's proper place...a tool! Have a great Valentine's Day!  
14 Feb 13 by member: ctlss
Happy Valentines Day! Another inspirational journal Bella! 
14 Feb 13 by member: Neptunebch

     
 

Submit a Comment


You must  sign in to submit a comment
 

Other Related Links

Members

Other Journals for Make Peace with Myself



FullaBella's weight history


FullaBella's Recent Activity

FullaBella's Own Activity

FullaBella commented on chattycathy1955's Journal Entry.
FullaBella commented on ClassicRocker's Journal Entry.
FullaBella commented on kclab's Journal Entry.
FullaBella commented on DairyKing's Journal Entry.

FullaBella's Buddies

wholefoodnut commented on ChrisComedy's Journal Entry.
ChrisComedy commented on their Journal Entry.
snezica commented on Deb_N's Journal Entry.
Deb_N recorded a Journal Entry and a Weigh In at 136.8 lb.

Other Member Diet Recent Activity

joanafernandes garcia recorded a Weigh In at 99.2 lb.
SergioZ07 updated their Exercise Diary.
sylvialgarcia recorded a Journal Entry and a Weigh In at 153.0 lb.
EL13EVIL updated their Exercise Diary.
etheriau_test2 recorded a Weigh In at 155.3 lb.
BadBoyBlue updated their Food Diary.
marfun recorded a Weigh In at 180.5 lb.
VeggieJunkie supported Deb_N's Journal Entry.