FullaBella's Journal, 12 February 2013

I've been reflecting on some of the recent journal comments and feel like exploring some of those thoughts today. Hey, it's still icky & raining outside, what else am I gonna do in between my customers and taking care of MH & furdog? Nap? I wish!

The remarks were 'there's also a fat person inside every thin person trying to get out' with 'I thought I was the only one who struggled admitting I ever ate'.

I recall how when I have starved myself to thinness I would eat with abandon in public. Gorge actually. I confess I enjoyed having people marvel 'look at you eat and eat and never gain a pound. How DO you do it?'

Of course, they had no idea how much I'd starved to reach that weight or my plan to flush that 16oz ribeye with a loaded baked potato as soon as the ladies room was isolated.

Other times I would painstakingly order my 'Eggwhite omlet with NO cheese (because at that time ANY fat in food was bad according to the 'experts') and my vegetables RAW on the SIDE because I didn't TRUST the cook not to use butter to saute them. And ONE slice of wheat toast, DRY. And black coffee.'

I recall a waitress, a bit frustrated with my picky ordering commenting sarcastically 'My, aren't you the healthy eater, no wonder you're so skinny.'

Again, she had no idea that was likely the ONLY meal I'd have for a couple of days else she'd remove the word 'healthy' from her review of my 'eating' style.

And on the really sick sad flip side of that - if I did order a healthy omlet at the height of my obesity, I assumed the waitstaff silently thinking 'oh, who the heck are you kidding??' as they took my order. It's as if, once I regained all the weight, I forced upon myself the requirement to eat like an obese person is judged to eat to avoid a reverse controversy.

See, I never watched anyone elses plates. Sure, I had seen SOME Thin people eat with abandon too but never asked (why would I?) if it was it their only meal for a week, was it their one 'crazy day' for food, or were they flushing theirs too?

Of course, now I'm observing. Not judging, just watching as I try to figure it all out. I watch other diners at nearby tables and at my own table when I dine out with my friend. I've felt a little uncomfortable that SHE is now sitting across from ME virtually drumming her fingers impatiently on the table top. So she obviously has the wonderful talent of eating exactly how much she needs 'quickly' without drawing it out 'mindfully'. I'm still working on my skill. But I will choose 'me' first, do not worry.

I also observed when I picked a 1oz single chocolate for each of us from the checkout lane, she ate hers in one bite... like I would have in the past. Half of mine is still in the console of the car. Again, different techniques on two different bodies; her's is obviously natural where mine is still being practiced.

But, geez, it was chocolate. I wanted to make it last and then I realized I had grown tired of it. Go figure.

So reflecting on my journal yesterday about the 'great cheese debate and being a snob with my body' I began to conjure snobby images. I recalled parties where I've observed thin people nibble on tiny gourmet appetizers and sip pricy vintages.

I've grown up chasing that cliche 'you can never be too rich or too thin'.

Again, it never occurred to me they could just be mindful eaters and would be whether it was caviar or catfish.

I just assumed they were starving to chase the dream too.

As I do have a global conscience that expands beyond what appears to be a daily dose of self involved narcissim in my journals, I found myself wondering why I don't envision starving poverty when I imagine mindful eating.

So for another journal some day I'll explore why is 'purposely starving' so much more admirable than 'unavoidable starving'? Why is one to be attained vs avoided? How does 'choice' trump 'circumstance'? Hmmmm....

For now, I pray both the fat person and the embarrassed eater inside me both just go away forever. As I continue to build on my vision of health and happiness I am going to add the image of me sitting at a table, in public, eating mindfully, unembarrassed and smiling.

I just hope the librarian doesn't get ticked.

Y'all have a good day and try to stay dry now, ya hear?

Diet Calendar Entries for 12 February 2013:
1329 kcal Fat: 53.74g | Prot: 87.17g | Carb: 124.52g.   Breakfast: Coconut Oil, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee, Flax Seed, Chobani Non Fat Yogurt, Schwan Triple Berry. Lunch: Squash with Vidalia Onion, Prime Rib , Potato, Carrot. Dinner: Egg, Egg white, Laughing Cow, Breakfast Ham Hormel. Snacks/Other: Schwan Triple Berry, Cottage Cheese Food Club, Chobani Fat Free Plain, Cinnamon Chex. more...
2130 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


You are so right. I have had that feeling...when I might order a salad and think that the wait person is problem thinking sure or yeah you need to eat a salad. Or now when I have ordered a big hamburger and I don't eat the bread and I don't order fries that they will think that. Or how about you eat a big steak and salad and are they thinking you do not need to be eating that...lol. Great journal....got me to thinking. I wonder if I will ever be in a place in my mind that made me feel good. Like you I used to enjoy eating out when I was so slim and people thinking wow. However, they did not know that I only ate one meal a day and did an hour of high impact aerobics everyday just so I would wear that size 7. 
12 Feb 13 by member: jaime30024
Great journal bella...:O) 
12 Feb 13 by member: BHA
I am saddened by this topic. In my 53 years I have been thin, obese and every size in between. I have also done my share of eating in restaurants. I cannot remember, even once, of worrying about what someone was thinking about the food on my plate. If this was about clothes shopping I could relate. When I was size 20 and went clothes shopping for my size 2 daughters at abercrombie & fitch, I thought I could feel the mocking stares of the salespeople burning into my back. Horrible. These feelngs of shame and embarrassment should not exist, but they do. Since hatred of fat will probably never be considered non pc, it is up to us to hold our heads high and not let the haters make us hate ourselves. Thanks for the topic Bella.  
12 Feb 13 by member: teskandar
All I can say, is "been there, done that"... & so glad we're on this mindful eating journey together... makes the ride so much more informative & fun:)! Great journal Bella Angel! xoxox 
13 Feb 13 by member: Ruhu
What you've done here in your journal is so important in your journey! Days or weeks, or months from now...you will come back to some of these and re-read them... and WOW! what a difference you will see. You'll never leave that woman of the past 'behind'... but you will love her and help her to come forward with you into a totally different 'healthy' life!!!!!!!! 
13 Feb 13 by member: jsfantome
Our weight affects us on so many levels. And too often, it is our own perception of circumstances and situations that cause us to feel ashamed. Sure, people do watch and judge other people. But I'd say most scenarios are played out in our minds rather than reality. And that makes it even more sad of a situation - that much of the suffering we endure is self-imposed. We all journal about the food challenges and the exercise challenges in our weight loss journeys but too often overlook the emotional challenges and fail to address them. Good job facing these issues in your own journey. We have a scale that shows us when we lose weight. Too bad we don't have a scale that shows when we lose emotional baggage. I'd say you would be a few "pounds" lighter this morning! Well done :) 
13 Feb 13 by member: evelyn64
Wow, some good thoughts to ponder for myself!!  
13 Feb 13 by member: Rubie-sue
Thank you again everyone. It's always so reassuring to know someone listens to me when I talk and thinks about what I've said and helps with comments and feedback. Bless You. I will accept that a lot of the self judging commentary was of my own doing but I can't ignore that I've seen it on other's faces as they watched huge platters of food being carried to a single person at a table. Reactions depended on the size of the diner and were evident by the expressions on their faces if not outright voiced. Politically correct or not, it exists. I'm not sure if any of you remember a few years ago when Sally Struthers was the spokesperson for Starving Children or some sort of organization - she herself had gained weight from her 'all in the family' days and became fodder for every bad taste comedian trying to make a name for themselves. And people, regular normal non-famous people, follow that lead. Sadly, but they do. I have had the food on my plate held up for commentary since I was a child. I don't know if I'll ever really achieve a point where the commentary doesn't play in my head with each bite. The best I can do is replace it with a healthy commentary ala 'Bella, you are eating so well for your body. You are feeding and taking in good nutrition and enjoying all of the foods around you in a healthy way.' Last night I was thinking about how I journaled with a plan to do this sitting down in public. I didn't even address my ANXIETY of eating while DRIVING because it's been 30 years and I still dread the passengers in the vehicle next to mine pulling up and shouting something insulting and mean (( as they did when I was in my 20's)) Did they know that THAT was the first meal I'd had all day as I was on my way from my day job to my night job?? No. But 'oh look at the fat pig eating!!'followed by snorting sounds still echos in my head. While mindful eating tells us we won't eat while driving - sometimes on a long journey, it's necessary ... YET... I still lower the thing I'm eating to my lap until the traffic light changes and I can move on. Sick, sad, but I'll get there. Day by day ... one bite at a time. Thanks again. Bella 
13 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Bella I have lowered it to my lap while eating too and not because I recall someone yelling at me but because I wanted to avoid the possibility of the ridicule. I know I bring some of this own myself in my mind, but at the same time people are cruel and judgemental. Thank you for bringing this subject up and allowing me to address some of the baggage that I have 
13 Feb 13 by member: jaime30024
Great journal, Bella...even sadder when some of that commentary comes from one's own parents! Thanks! 
13 Feb 13 by member: ctlss
Jaime & Ctiss - thank you. You know, as ironic as it reads, I am so thankful I'm not famous and being followed by the paparazzi! Those poor folks - for all the doors fame opens - just imagine what's going on in their minds having someone snapping a photo everytime they put food in their mouths! 
13 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Your journal seems to echo the thoughts of so many of us...how can anyone who has faced a weight challenge not be sensitive to our surroundings and the judgmental looks and comments of others. I once read that when we think that all eyes are us as we enter the room, eat or walk by that we are egotistical and self-centered...my immediate thought was just the opposite...how we wish we could fade into the background and not be noticed! Thanks for sharing your thoughts they certainly give room for some thought. 
13 Feb 13 by member: 2227Gwen
Thanks for this journal Bella. Very helpful. 
13 Feb 13 by member: Neptunebch
Gwen, I agree completely. As much as i quote E.Roosevelt to myself ala 'you'd stop wondering what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do' it's not that way when you are in public and not 'average'. I think that's why I am, regardless of thin or overweight, more comfortable in a dark wardrobe and no makeup. I do not want to be noticed at any size. But I've been obese and I've been thin and now I'm still considered morbidly obese so I'm not pretending I'm thin or average yet *I* know what *I* have heard from others at both sizes. I know how it doesn't matter how smart or hardworking or really attractive an overweight person is, the phrase 'fat, lazy slob' has always been a three part phase. I have witnessed where a thin person with really bad body odor was given more compassion in a tight setting than a heavy person. It's as if resentment grows because we take up more physical space. It's SOMETHING. I don't know what but I've lived it, felt it, experienced it far too many times to pretend or turn a blind eye to it. Neptune ~ thank you hon. Hope you're all still having a good day. 
13 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella


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