FullaBella's Journal, 10 February 2013

Sunday morning and being decadent lazy. I barely slept last night; once up once for MH, twice for my furbaby, and a fourth time when 'codered alert' phoned to tell us we were under severe weather threat. Nothing happened, fortunately, but now, having all my morning stuff done and it's too rainy and cold to work in my yard I'm lounging on the bed with my furbaby curled up snoring beside me. Life is good. I have a prime rib roast achieving room temperature - will cook it in a few hours. And yes, I will be having some. Probably a sweet potato on the side. Yes, everything in moderation.

Saturday Review: great day. As some of you noted on my Friday journal, yes, it was a much needed and deserved day off. My friend and I went shopping, lunch, theater, and shopping. I sported my 'longshoreman light' look and as I glanced around realized I didn't look out of place look at all. Even at the theater.

One of our shopping stops was at Coach - I'd considered a really nice handbag as a gift, reward, oh heck I'm a girl who likes handbags thing, but nothing really spoke to me. I could find the shape I wanted but not the material or color. Nothing that just sat on the shelf and said 'Oh Bella, this is so you.' Not even a wallet. Ahh well.

Lunch was Uncle Julios again as I was all set to enjoy that wonderful ceviche as last time but we eventually split a grilled vegetable entree with the grilled shrimp addon. We also shared a pineapple bacon quacamole and I had a small cup of black bean soup.

All in all very delicious and I felt really good about my mindful eating and enjoying it all without eating to a point of uncomfortable fullness. That was good - not only for my physical and mental health but for my body. I had to wear the TH's and while they are fitting a bit better than the week before they were still snug enough to give me grief if I'd eaten too much.

We were LATE for the theater. The program was 'Late Night Catechism Las Vegas' - a one woman show with audience participation. Here's an old review from another show to give you an idea if you're curious. http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2012/jan/17/review-late-nite-catechism-las-vegas-naples/

In a shorter review I'd say she's like Judge Judy in a Nuns Habit - it was easy to pick out the Catholic folks in the audience - they were the ones that got most of the jokes. But there was plenty of humor for all and it was good clean fun.

Now here's a little interesting (to me) part of this whole healthy eating weight losing get my head on straight thing.

Because she kind of 'picks on the audience' as if they are in a classroom, she was already standing outside the entrance door when we arrived about 5mins LATE because she was teasingly picking on a guy in the audience who'd left the theater to take a call. We heard him as we were approaching - he was a doctor and it was his answering service - sounded serious. But she (Sister) was in the theater cracking jokes so as we went through the doors, trying to slip in quietly, she, on her loudspeaker asked 'And where have YOU TWO Been, may I ask?"

Yeah, suddenly I'm 8 years old being called out in front of the class.

So I just curtsey'd (seriously, where the HECK did that come from) and lowered my head and said 'I'm sorry Sister' and headed toward my seat. Obviously I was Catholic in a previous life. All eyes in the room are on us, of course. Apparently there'd been a little audience heckling even before that but being late I had no idea what was going on. She blocked my friend and said 'what about you! Where have you been? Why are you late.'

My friend answered 'we were eating!'

Now, my friend is small, petite, normal weight. She's never endured a 'fat person's insecurities'. She doesn't know the code 'we never EVER act like we eat. Especially in public.'

Even now, as I am approaching normal size (something I'll explain more in a minute) I was sooooo embarrassed. Not at being late, even though I was. I am obsessively punctual so I hated being late. But now ... in front of the whoooole room my friend confessed 'we were eating!'

I felt EVERY eye on me and could feel their comments 'yeah... no kidding... that big gal with you...does she ever STOP eating?'

I dashed to my seat and despite feeling so very conspicuous, held my head up. And I felt a little better as she randomly teased others but at the break I discussed it with my friend.

NOT her FAULT mind you - just explaining how differently *I* feel about some things like that compared to how someone who's never battled weight or weight prejudice or anything like that can feel. And not blaming, just sharing how interesting we are when we are going down different paths in life.

Still got a long road to go to healthy AND happy. Ahh well, I only have the rest of my life to get it right.

So as for the approaching normal size reference earlier - it's one thing to look in the mirror and try to see the changes, it's another to accept them when the mirror isn't around. After soooo many years of mostly obesity - despite the 'think and grow thin' philosophy of imagining myself lean and slim so that's what I'll achieve, I still have trouble getting a respective comparison.

And it should NOT matter, I know. I am what I am. Me and Popeye.

But it does. I want to walk into a room and NOT be anything more than Just another woman walking into the room. I will never be the prettiest or youngest or hottest. I'm fine with that. Happiness will be when I am: just another woman.

So I looked at another woman who I thought was more or less my size because being a cloudy day I was having trouble finding a reflection from the glass windows to see how I 'measured up' in a random comparison. I sort of tried it in the mirror over the sinks in the ladies room but started feeling like some weirdo perv stalker just lingering there.

I asked my friend about another woman - 'Am I about that size yet?' And she said 'no, you're smaller'. Maybe my friend was trying to be nice after the 'we were eating' discussion of how screwed up I am still. I don't know.

That's the weird thing about my body, maybe one of the few lucky things, is that at 200lbs (almost there) I'm so big boned and muscular in my legs, I look almost normal weight. Normal woman weight - not runway magazine victoria secret model weight. Then the other side of that coin is that even when I reached about 150 and wore a size 2 jeans a doc in the box I went to lectured me about losing weight because I'm still 30-40lbs overweight according to 'the acceptable number scale'.

So I repeatedly tell people 'it's just a NUMBER' - use more than that to measure. Maybe I tell it to others so someday I'll hear it too.

The final thought I'm having this morning is I was thinking about how we share ideas here and are basically our own little lab rats. We try things, reject them, try something else, and gather back together here in journals and posts to share results and ideas. It's kind of cool.

For me, I spend a lot of time in the psych-lab. Definitely food is the root of the gain but I'm trying to find the root of the root. I was thinking about that line in the movie 'The Generals Daughter':

"What is PsyOps?"
"Mostly, we just f*ck with peoples minds."

And that's a huge portion of what I'm doing right now. I have the food choice tools in place. I'm working on the 'why'. I'm fortunate my body is also still healthy enough to respond, that I caught it once again before I reached a point of no return. That God is gracing me with yet another chance. Now I just gotta get it right.

Two final thoughts today.

Well three, the first being 'thank you and bless you for reading this far.'

Second - I am not sure if 5mph is a run or a jog - but either way - I did it yesterday on my treadmill for 2 minutes. I'm getting to where 4mph 'trotting?' or fast walking is very comfortable. So, yay.

Third: According to Sister, we all have guardian angels. This part I knew. What I didn't know (nor know if it's true, after all, who does) but our Guardian Angels are always of the opposite gender. This is to encourage modesty, even in private.

That'll sure give me something to think about every time I shower....

Have a great rest of your Day.


Diet Calendar Entries for 10 February 2013:
1302 kcal Fat: 65.89g | Prot: 92.91g | Carb: 87.50g.   Breakfast: Coconut Oil, Flax Seed, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Chobani Non Fat Yogurt, Coffee, Kraft Twist, Schwan Triple Berry. Lunch: Whole Spicy Pickles, Schwans Asparagus, Hunts Diced Tomato, Schwans Roasted Chicken, Schwan Tortellini, Egg White, Low Sodium Chicken Broth, 365 shelled pumpkin seeds, Balsamic Bellavitano Sartori, Egg White. Dinner: Prime Rib, Sweet Potato Skin, Diet Swiss Miss. more...
2130 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


What is "longshoreman light"? I have a feeling its is the same way I dress. Body image is such a weird thing. I remember once when I was younger and in one of my thin phases I caught a glimpse of this woman in the reflection of the store window and thought she was attactive and then realized it was me and my perception changed, fat butt, heavy thighs etc. A lot of women who have been overwewight always see themselves as being larger. There was this one show on TV I watched for a while, its main idea was to improve these womens view of themselves. They lined up a buch of women of various sizes, all in their underwear, from smallest to largest and asked the woman where they thought they fit into the line up. They all picked a much larger size than they were. Don't know why we tend to think the worst of ourselves. 
10 Feb 13 by member: fatoldlady
LSM: (my normal outfit) thick bulky black turtleneck sweaters and denim longsleeve shirts over jeans and boots. LSML: pink turtleneck sweater under black/white patterned winter vest over jeans & boots. Yeah, hopefully I'll get to the point where I'll hold true and happy image of myself. Someday ...  
10 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
Funny how we perceive things according to our weight but it's true - I know I've done it, too. Even if I manage to maintain a "normal" weight for the rest of my life, I know I will never forget how it feels to be fat. If indeed there is a thin person inside every fat person waiting to get out, there is also a fat person inside every thin person waiting to get out, too. Unfortunately for most, the fat person is the least patient! I am sure your friend was not just being kind when she said you were smaller than the woman you pointed out. I remember watching How To Look Good Naked where they had a line up of ladies dressed in their underwear ranging from slim and trim all the way up to round and plump and several sizes in between. When asked to put themselves in the lineup where they thought they fit in, the subjects of the show always put themselves in a heavier slot than what they really were, sometimes several slots over from where they should have stood. Matching the image in our heads with what we really are is tough. I still look at my new, smaller clothes and wonder how I ever fit into them. Thanks for all the thought provoking material today!  
10 Feb 13 by member: evelyn64
So glad you had such a nice time yesterday, & were able to be a bit lazy this morning. I thought I was the only one who struggled admitting I actually ate! So happy to hear that mindful eating is working for you too. I went out to dinner tonight with DH & find it so helpful and freeing to not obsess about the calorie count but to just order wisely and eat to the point of comfortably full. I wouldn't want to ignore calorie counts for many meals, but occasionally, I think it's great. But, by the way, I'm not sure I can agree with Sister's take on guardian angels... Just cuz I know mine is not of the opposite sex! 
10 Feb 13 by member: Ruhu
Nice journal, thanks for sharing your fun and thoughts! Well you had me at handbags! Coach - I have one little one but for the $$ I never find just the right one for me. I think I am more a Cole Haan girl. Not as well known but have a good feel to them. Body image. I always think I am a lot cuter than I really am... LOL...Guess that is what happens as I age because it always surprises me when I look in the mirror and see a 60 year old. Even though 60 lbs. lighter - Crap. 
10 Feb 13 by member: Neptunebch
Congrats on the treadmill achievement! I have yet to let go of the handles - I hold on with at least one hand, too afraid to go flying off the back! I am so glad you were able to get out and enjoy yourself on Saturday. Leave it to a Catholic religion based show to leave you feeling slightly guilty and contemplating your existance! I get to take my my legally blind and hearing aid wearing Mom shopping where she feels compelled to hollar out (she wears hearing aids - is there anything besides shouting??), "that person is obese!". OK, now you understand the root of my eating disorder - my mother is obsessed with weight - hers and everyone else's. I try to get her to stop noting that I am obese as well. Then she argues, but not very convincingly, you aren't THAT big. Hmmm. Your journals always make me think, I relate so much with you. I don't spend a lot of time in front of a mirror. I don't like it. Given the line up that others speak about in their response, I know I would put myself in line with people who are actually bigger as a comparative test. But, when I look at myself in a mirror, I see a very different person than what others see in me. I don't picture myself as a 48 year old. I look at my front (reasonable) and avoid looking at the side (girth). That makes me picture myself as thinner than I really am. My worst experience with weight was when I helped my son shop for dress pants (slim and tall, so it is tough) and I was confronted with a 3-sided mirror as I waited for him to try each pair on for fit. I couldn't look at myself very long. Man, was I ever fat!! It is amazing how we see ourselves. Thank you for helping me come to terms with some of the body image issues I have.  
11 Feb 13 by member: RiverRes
@Evelyn- never thought about every thin person having a fat person inside them - definitely something to ponder. @Angel Ruth - I had the same 'uh uh' when I heard that too but then we're talking about 'guardian angels' not just angels in general... I think guardian angels have to be canonized (something else I learned from late night catechism) @Neptune - I don't have any Coach bags at all - it was an unfulfilled whim. And I think you are every bit as cute as you imagine - seen your pics and read your bio. @Paula - your mom - wow. Yeah, I had something along those lines Fri nite playing Monopoly on the PS3 w/the grandsons - the robot 4th player was the 'iron' and that gives an avatar of a full figured maid and somewhere along the lines of the boys arguing with the robot (which was stupid anyway) my oldest called her 'FatMaid'. So I said 'WHAT did you SAY?" and the response was 'oh, not YOU nana ...'(I always chose the doggy). Little kiss up trying to cover their behinds. I didn't stop the game and have a lecture on unkind labels but believe me, it will eventually occur. Thanks again everyone. Bella  
11 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
I sit here thinking to myself as I read, DANG! What a wonderful writer! You draw people in! I really hope you're writing a book soon! I'd be the first to buy it! Have the best Valentine's Day! You deserve it! 
14 Feb 13 by member: philanddeb
@Deb - HEY STRANGER - good to hear from you! Hope you're doing well. I've thought about you - even messaged you but was concerned I was verging on stalking! No books in my future unless I find a highly motivated publisher who can clean up my grammer without losing my voice ... any takers?  
14 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella


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