madaboutmoose's Journal, 05 February 2013

Good morning. Where shall I start?

Weight is up 2 lbs but that is due to eating more real food yesterday and drinking less juice. It will come back down this week. DH and I ate at Starbucks yesterday and then he made an amazing Italian chicken sausage, tortellini, pasta dish last nigh and I ate 2 slices of bread with it. I had a spinach wrap and a skinny caramel macias to at Starbucks.

I survived the weekend. I'm doing better with accepting the monumentally stupid thing I did and forgiving myself. I have some changes to make, day by day, but I'm feeling more balanced and less like a bag of shit. It has been a very long 3 days. Very, very, very quiet at my home. DH is having a rough time with my error. But he will either find it in his heart to forgive me, remembering that 26 years of my being there for him should not be erased by a stark reminder that I am very human. I fear he is making himself sicker but there is nothing I can do about that. God has been good to me. I've really been focused on paying attention to my self talk and asking for help, guidance, strength. He can be a very forgiving man but when it comes to me, well I fear he's placed me on a pedestal and I've fallen completely off. Can't say what he is thinking but I do know he is having a very hard time. My behavior triggered it but it has always been his way of dealing with difficulties. He is a very black and white man. I know he loves me. I just pray he can sort through it and we will eventually be closer and stronger because of it, not the opposite.

I didn't rob a bank. I didn't have an affair. Enough said.

I'm actually looking forward to work. He goes back to work tonight. 4 nights here alone. Easier to be alone than alone with someone.

Life goes on and I am still grateful.

For him momentarily holding my hand.
For the brief kiss and hug he permitted.
For the delicious meal he cooked.
For getting the battery cores returned.
For an enjoyable Trader Joe shopping trip.
For realizing that I am okay. In errr? Yes but still a decent human being.
For beginning to understand the thinking and actions I was taking that led me down the slippery slope.
For not diving into food for solace (that has to be a first).
For support here, with my mother, with my dearest friends.
For the support of my ever loving Father. I forgot who was at the wheel and had been steering the boat all alone despite warnings that I was in the midst of a terrible storm.

Guess I'm a slow learner. Today more than ever I am conscious of how important self care and kindness truly is. May I be able to keep that in mind daily. May I make choices that are kind to myself and others. May my DH find it in his heart to forgive me and once again wrap his loving arms around me. May I make choices to earn that love, trust, and forgiveness.

The day beckons me. I can comfortably wear a pair of jeans that not long ago I couldn't button. Breathe. I'm so grateful I am not alone beep vein though you all are miles and miles away. I feel you close to my heart and I cannot thank you enough.

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Comments 
*Hugs* I pray that things start to look up for you. Marriage is the toughest job out there, one that requires work every day. I think at some point we all learn that, I myself, am a slow learner too in that department. One day at a time is what I tell myself. 
05 Feb 13 by member: Mrs. H
Carol, so amazing you can fit into jeans you haven't worn for a long time, full marks i say, when that happens to me i will cheer so loud you will here me all the way from Scotland. much love Sazy xx 
05 Feb 13 by member: sazy
Hey girl friend..some days are harder than others..I am sure that what ever you did...your DH will come around...you are harder on your self for sure..My DH is a black and white kinda guy too...he gets quiet and so I just leave him alone to deal with what ever...Have been there on the being alone even when some one is there..its not fun..Great big Hugs and love I am sending to you..:O) 
05 Feb 13 by member: BHA
Carol, all I can do is send my love and a big cyber hug. It will get better...dh knows we are all human and we all make mistakes. Just give it a bit of time. Love ya! 
05 Feb 13 by member: ctlss
You are truly blessed to have such a list. We tend to forget to count our blessings but sure do highlight our biggest flaws and emptyness' w/ a big o' marker! Aw Carol I feel ya...  
05 Feb 13 by member: cindyshine
Sorry to hear about your rough times. Hope things get better soon! Hang in there. 
05 Feb 13 by member: mbhpro
YUP!! 
05 Feb 13 by member: madaboutmoose
Carol .... it's my hope that you find a place/person to dump "your stuff". You don't want to carry it. You don't want to build your life around it. You don't want to set it down and pick it back up. You want to dump it. This is different than sweeping it under the rug. Find a good solid neutral person (it could be a stranger) to function as your "confessee" and dump the whole load at their feet. It sounds crazy but I have Spiritual Director/therapist who I pay once a month for the privilege to dump my "crap". It's the best money I spend all month.  
05 Feb 13 by member: glen
I have a dear friend who is a therapist. She's my dumper. She is always honest with me. Tells me I'm full of crap if I am. My mom is a good listener too. Thanks Glen.  
05 Feb 13 by member: madaboutmoose
Thank goodness about the bank, although these days we might all be cheering you on. JK. You're tough on yourself, so accountable, so responsible. I love you for that and thank God that you have the foresight to counter it with thoughts of being kind to yourself. Hugs to you and your DH. More hugs even to you. Amazing how well you're doing with food and weightloss through the stress. Sending positive vibes your way. 
06 Feb 13 by member: Helewis
Hi Carol! I am sorry you are having a rough go of it. I don't know if you wrote a journal about it or not but if you did I am also sorry that I missed it. I know that this will pass and you and hubby will be fine. I am here for you if you need me. I hope you always know that. Hugs to you and great news about those jeans...you go girl 
06 Feb 13 by member: chattycathy1955
Hi Carol, its all been said above. So congrats on fitting into those jeans, congrats on not diving into food - now that is a cause for celebration. Hoping/praying that DH comes around, our big bears take a while to think things through but I am sure he will come around in the end, cause he does love you and knows you love him and. Life is full of crap; sometimes we create it, most times we are just in it, under it or dodging it. Sigh. Hope today is a better day. oh, and thanks for visiting my journal, what would I do without you. 
06 Feb 13 by member: sarahsmum
What Sarah'smum said! 
06 Feb 13 by member: Helewis

     
 

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