RiverRes's Journal, 05 February 2013

A morning filled with remorse and self loathing. Instead of coming here and using this platform to deal with stress, I fell back into my old habits. In a huge way. I turned to food and ate meaningless calories. Stuffed myself so much that here, nearly eight hours later, I am still full. And still just as miserable.

Work stress. This is our busiest time of year as deadlines loom and we are faced with picking/choosing what we can do and then working as hard as we can to do it. 135 hours in the past two weeks - 60+ hours per week and no end in sight. At a desk, working in spreadsheets and databases. It gets me down.

Family stress. Day 29. My son has had a migraine-like(and worse) headache for 29 straight days. Hours on end of pulsating pain; escalating to spikes of pain "8" and then receding back to a more tolerable "5". I can't believe that I have to use the medical pain scale to describe the pain he suffers daily. This time, there are no stressors - we don't live in fear of my ex husband or deal with his alcoholic outbursts and fits of anger. I am desperate to figure out what triggered his recent onset - he didn't hit his head, his diet hasn't changed, I just don't know.

My daughter, while supportive, is getting overwhelmed. Watching out for her brother annoys both of them and causes conflict. I don't really have a choice - they have him on some very powerful anti seizure and anti depressant medications. It really affects how he thinks.

And then last night. The trigger. The chink in my armor. I make a decent wage, but I struggle as a single parent of teenagers to keep everything going, save for college, pay a mortgage, clean up all the financials from the divorce, etc. And then I got a bill from Children's hospital. From March 2012. My daughter broke her arm and went to the emergency room. They are now trying to bill me for over $8000 for that day. 11 months after the fact. I have health insurance now and had health insurance at the time. Unfortunately, they are not the same company and that just complicates things.

I didn't take it well. Yes, my old insurance should cover the charges for the most part. But Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??? A year later, they send me a bill? It isn't like we didn't go to the same hospital for MONTHS while my daughter had surgery, pins, rehabilitation, etc.!!!

I didn't take it well, and I turned to food. Rice krispie treats to the tune of 380 calories. Bugles too. Sad. Very sad. Didn't help at all. I feel like an alcoholic who went on a bender. Very disappointing.

Good thing that today the sun will rise and it will be a new beginning. I need to find my back bone and get up and do this. No one can do it for me. I need to return to my resolve to be a better mom and a better person. Let the bitterness go and tackle problems one at a time. Today's problems to tackle: (1) Son to doctor. (2) Hospital bill. (3) Parent's flex spending reimbursement. (4) ME!

Diet Calendar Entries for 05 February 2013:
1375 kcal Fat: 46.65g | Prot: 66.65g | Carb: 177.98g.   Breakfast: Flavors French Vanilla Ground Coffee, stevia, YOPLAIT VERY CHERRY YOGURT, Milk (Nonfat), Instant Oatmeal - Apples & Cinnamon. Lunch: cucumber, Cos or Romaine Lettuce, sweet red pepper, lean cuisine cheddar potatoes. Dinner: Charbroiled Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich, Natural Cut Fries (Small). more...
2905 kcal Activities & Exercise: Shopping - 1 hour, Desk Work - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Driving - 3 hours, Resting - 4 hours, Housework - 1 hour, Sleeping - 7 hours and 30 minutes. more...
on diet Ornish Diet  


Oh Paula...I'm sorry. You have had so much on your plate for so long I'm in awe of you daily. This morning? STILL AM! One chink one slip. Loathe less and love yourself more today. You are so remarkable. I have nothing but admiration for you. All I would recommend is moving yourself from #4 to #1. You deserve it. You'll be in my prayers. Bella  
05 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella


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