RoundIsAShape's Journal, 02 February 2013

Believing that you are worth it and that you deserve to be happy and lose weight. That's the heart of the problem isn't it? You see it over and over on The Biggest Loser... a contestant constantly does sub-par until they work through some kind of mental block or life problem. I know I've had my own issues in the past that have helped me sabotage my weight loss and probably played a big role in my weight gain in the first place.

I suppose the what and how are different for each of us. Before starting to lose weight this time, I started to actually believe that I deserved more out of life. The diet and continuing weight loss are actually only a part of the changes I've made.

I can share the events that led up to my change in attitude. Maybe it will help someone else.

One of those events started a couple of years ago when my birth father contacted me via Facebook (I'm adopted.) I met him a couple of decades ago but we never really emailed or kept in contact in any significant way. Now both he and I were in places where getting to know each other was important to us.

A few months later he had a stroke. He passed away a few weeks after that. I had barely gotten to know him and the plan to "some day" go visit him in Alaska, which I've always wanted to see, never happened.

I met some of my aunts and uncles at his memorial that summer. I had met them 20+ years before but things were different in my life back then. They treated me like family. My adoptive parents will always be mom and dad, but there was a connection here I didn't expect.

I also met my half-sister for the first time. We really got along well and are still in touch regularly. We talked about the fact that both of us had wanted to go for a visit to Alaska to see our father and the state... but neither of us made it there.

I still had a favorite aunt named Peggy (on my adopted family side) who had moved to Alaska a few years earlier. I decided I should go visit her. Mom made arrangements for the family (including her too) to go on an Alaskan cruise this last fall.

In February, mom called and said, "Peggy didn't wake up this morning." It was really a shock since she was the youngest of my aunts and uncles and the only one who hadn't really had any major health problems over the years.

Another "some day" gone. I realized that if I was going to do some of those things that I wanted to do "some day" I couldn't wait for "some day" to come to do them. I had to be active and plan them.

An uncle (birth father's brother) has lived in Germany since well before I met him around 1990. I've had a standing invitation to come visit and get a free tour of the country ever since. I decided that I was going to take him up on the offer as soon as I could.

A few weeks later (late February) I got a call from my aunt (his sister) that she just found out he had cancer and wasn't expected to make it until the end of the year. They were going to go visit him in April while he was still feeling up to it. I told her I had planned to go see him soon too and she invited me to travel with her.

We made the trip and it was pretty cool seeing another country and the alps. I learned a little German before leaving (VERY little.. but could at least say "I understand only a little German" and "I would like a beer please." )

Since then I've been working on having a "just do it" attitude when it comes to things I want to do "some day" or even just living a fuller life while I have time.

When my best friend said that his dad used to teach German and has invited both of us to go with him to Poland, Austria and Germany in 2015, I decided to "just do it" instead of saying "I really can't afford it." It means saving a few dollars from every single paycheck until then... and sleeping mostly in hostels while there. But it also means living my life instead of watching life go on around me.

I continued learning German. Now I can say/understand things like "Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to Main Street? I am looking for a pharmacy that is open late." I'm on lesson 52 of 90 (on CDs.)

I took and passed a some exams to obtain several work-related certifications. I have another hard class and exam/certification coming up later this month. I haven't done that kind of thing for over a decade.

Somewhere over these past couple of years as I've done things and "improved" myself I realized that I really do deserve to be happy. I'm a good guy. I treat others with respect instead of tearing them down. I work in a public job because it helps kids even though the pay isn't great. I have a great family and I want to enjoy them.

So yes, for me, losing weight this time is still an attempt to save my knees. It is still an attempt to not die by 50. But it is much more too. It is one important part of living a life that is worth living.

It is part of getting the most enjoyment out of life. It is part of being the best me I can be. It is part of doing active and even strenuous family activities like finding a geocache way out in the woods in winter. It is part of taking a trip to Europe and not being miserable when we end up walking 5-10 miles some days.

The biggest differences for me is that this time I actually do believe I deserve to be healthier and happier and have a more full and active life. And this time I'm also acutely aware that "some day" will almost never come if you don't make it.

"Some day" I'll lose this weight? No. "Today," I'll lose this weight or at least work on the process of losing it. I didn't learn as much German as I have in a day. It has taken months, 20 minutes at a time. It will take months to lose this weight, a couple of pounds at a time. But eventually it WILL happen.

"Some day" I want to go snowshoeing. "Some day" I want to be able to ski again. "Some day" I want to travel around the state and around the country and see more than only what you can see from the car. "Some day" I want to go on a hiking trip. "Some day" I want to be able to play hard with my son without nearly collapsing afterwards.

There are a lot of "some days" that won't come if I don't lose weight.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a full life. You deserve to do the things you've dreamed of but never took action to make happen. When you are happier and healthier, the people around you will be too. Dedicating some time and effort to yourself doesn't detract from others in your life and doesn't make you selfish. It makes you more able to make lasting memories with them.

If you don't feel that way, I understand. I had hurdles I needed to work through. I didn't even realize it at the time. It has taken a couple of years to "get it" and start to overcome them.

I hope something in this post strikes a chord with you and helps you make the life for yourself that you want and deserve.

Diet Calendar Entries for 02 February 2013:
1725 kcal Fat: 63.91g | Prot: 88.28g | Carb: 197.91g.   Breakfast: Fat Free Skim Milk, Multi Grain Cheerios Peanut Butter. Lunch: Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe. Dinner: Buffalo Chicken on H-Oat, w/ Provalone, works and ranch. Snacks/Other: Sandwich Cookie. more...
4161 kcal Activities & Exercise: Hiking - 45 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 15 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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Comments 
WOW, I couldn't have said it any better!!! Thanks. I just lost my uncle last week. I wanted to talk to him, qute the amazing person living in Africa as a priest. I didn't stand up for myself. Long story. Time to LIVE.  
02 Feb 13 by member: Lizzygracemusic
Good journal. My ''someday" was to go to Italy but no $$ to go. Then MH's health stopped us from going. One day I realized even if or when situations change - I still couldn't have gone because of me - being unable to fit in the airplane seat, climb stairwells or stroll streets comfortably. I may never get to go because of my obligations here but at least I am no longer the one standing in my way. 
03 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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