FullaBella's Journal, 01 February 2013

Friday afternoon and need a break from packing for a trade show so after missing yesterday and knowing I'll miss this weekend I felt I needed to journal today before folks took up a collection for the ransom. I will try to catch up on your journals from my Kindle at night so behave yourselves, ya hear?

I have something to vent and it is pretty ugly so I'm going to save it to the end. I'll post a warning before you get there.

But to keep my journal balanced with the good, bad & ugly, let's get the good first.

I finally, without regret (except for the $$$) THREW OUT the pretzel crackers, bagel chips, and cornbread bites last night. It's been a week or so of not having those with my meals, soups, snacks, etc., I feel comfortable that I won't miss the processed refined carb snacks. Yay me. Toast to you, Angel Ruth, for advising me against eating anything with more than five unpronouncable ingredients on the nutrition label.

Of course, this means I'll be signing up for my online chemistry degree any day now. Nahh. I need to take defensive driving first.

No weight loss or gain in two days but I'm feeling more comfortable on the decreased calories this week. I'm mentally struggling with my self designed atkins-lite program because I like fruit & yogurt but hate how green my RDI chart turns when I have it. I know, sugar. I got it. Just sucks is all. Mainly because I have about 8 grapefruit and 3 yogurts on life support wondering if I'm gonna pull the plug or let them expire naturally. Having trouble finding a low carb no sugar yogurt. Keep in mind, I live in the sticks. That's the bad. Rotting fruit and few shopping choices.

Anywhooo... that's the good & the bad. The following is the ugly and for strong audiences only.
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Okay ... you can't say I didn't warn you.
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I hate being hugged.

Now let me qualify. If you look sad, have had a bad day, are married to & intimate with me, haven't seen me for a while or are departing for a known extended period, sure, I want to hug you. I'm not a complete insufferable iceberg.

But I grew up in a generation when the only people who hugged and kissed each other on arrival and departure every single frigging time they crossed paths were either French or in the Mafia. Normal people did not. At least, they didn't in my household, normal or otherwise, nor in any of the other people *I* knew.

Yes, I watched on TV and as my stepdaughters generation adopted that French Mafia 'kiss and hug' trend. Fine. But it's not for me.

I warned you it was going to get ugly. We aren't even there yet.
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If you're reading this with an expression of disgust let me remind or inform you, in my own defense, I am a very loving, caring, big hearted, give you the shirt off my back or need a kidney? I got an extra one kind of gal. I care about people, family and strangers, sometimes far too much. I pay it forward and give to charity and constantly perform random acts of kindness.

But I HATE hugging when it feels fake and forced especially when I've told the person(s) 'I love ya, but I'm just not a hugger.'

So if you're still reading ... it's time for the really ugly part. Last chance to bail...
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My grandsons. They're 13 & 15 and I told them about a year ago 'kiddos, Nana loves you both more than you'll ever know .. I think you're both really special young men and will do anything I can to help you in life ... but Nana is just not a hugger. Can we please develop some other form of 'howdy' that's comfortable to both of us? Fist bombs? High Five? Spider fingers? Elbow banging? Head banging? I'll even try to do that thing guys do when their team scores on occasion but I'm just not a hugger now that y'all tower 12 inches over me.'
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Yes, I just heard every parent and grandparent reading this journal scream that I'm a total bitch. I know what you're thinking because I feel it too just writing it. And yes, we NEVER know if when we see the person as they're leaving if we'll see them again. And yes, yes yes yes yes... I know this reads sooooo horrid hence my repeated warnings.

But I HATE it. Especially as they continue to force it on me. They're not little children. I spend a lot of quality time with them taking them to 'cool places' (gokarts,amusement parks, etc) and the cultural experiences. I play games with them and interact and try to help them benefit from the experience of their wise old Nana.

If you've raised children to the point of teenagers, unless yours were perfect little angels, you know how teenagers will repeatedly do the things you ask them not to do. Be it that they are just rebels that way or just the teenage hormones interfere with their ability to logic and remember, they just do it. If you still have toddlers, well, you've yet to experience it.

But the hugging thing has been a topic a couple of times. Yet EVERY freaking DAY when they walk through the door, because they come by after school and have a snack and watch TV with Gramps, they insist on it.

So every day at 3:30, my anxiety builds. Because day after day they come in the door, cower over me and try to hug me.

I've TRIED. But I HATE hypocrites and this seems FAKE and FORCED and right now, very aggravating to have someone try to force me to do something I don't WANT TO DO. I loved fine cuddling them on my lap when they were babies. I'm truly GENUINE hugging them when they've had a bad day or cried when their dog died. I ALWAYS hug them when we've had heart to heart talks about life and struggles to reinforce how much I love them.

But I don't feel their hugs ARE GENUINE. Not with the expressions on their faces - that general teenage look of going through the motions. Either way, why are they continuing to DO something I've made clear, even in a nice casual way, I don't want to do.

For example, this past Christmas. I took them on our holiday shopping spree. I started this with them a few years back with the conversation 'yes, Santa will bring you most of your gifts but let's get a couple he may forget. If you leave it up to me to pick out, you'll end up with socks and underwear.'

So we had our day of shopping and then a nice dinner out where they went crazy and ordered filet mignon and shrimp cocktails and things that pushed our dinner tab into the triple digits. No worries.

But after that, walking to the car, the youngest said 'so, can we have a hug too?'

SEE, they KNOW it's an issue. I joked and said 'whatsa matter, can't get enough of me, can ya?' ... and kept walking. I hugged them that night as they were leaving to go home. Tight. Squeezed the stuffing out of 'em.

But day after day I feel like an animal backed into a corner just quivering in the confines and trying not to snap back as they approach me and force their hug on me.

I find myself glancing at the clock, knowing they are going to arrive and try to hug me despite the spider fingers or fist bombs I have waiting for them and the end result yesterday was making an excuse to escape to go to the store and screaming so hard and long in the car that my vocal chords crapped out for the rest of the evening.

Again, I know, this reads so horrid. If you're reading this it's ONLY because sometimes it seems I write the things that other readers feel but are too nice to actually put in their own journals.

I'm also writing it to get it out of my head. It's ironic, these journals tend to take on a very 'me me me' feeling. In my real life, I just LISTEN and ANSWER all day long. I sit quietly listening to customers go on and on and on about their issues and respond to MH's request and take the dog potty and the only freaking conversation I really HAVE with ME is in my own head, or here, in my journal.

I really don't know the answer. I started this hoping that seeing my words in print would unlock the answer. It didn't. It only served to make me feel worse.

Feel free to comment - good, bad or ugly. You can't say anything to me that I'm not already thinking. Except, please do not ask me to imagine something bad happening to them and the guilt I'd feel denying them one last hug. I've already done that to myself.

Bella

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1388 kcal

Fat: 44.95g | Prot: 105.91g | Carb: 162.00g.   Breakfast: Grapefruit, Hormel Black Label, President Brie Wedge, 100 Cal Tortilla, Egg White, Coffee, Egg. Lunch: Grapefruit, Schwans Salmon, Pine nut hummus, Celery. Dinner: World Classic Chiptole, World Classic jalapeno, Romaine Lettuce Hearts, Kraft Twist String, Kraft String Jalepeno, Oven Roasted Turkey John Morrell. Snacks/Other: Grapefruit. more...

2150 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...