FullaBella's Journal, 01 February 2013

Friday afternoon and need a break from packing for a trade show so after missing yesterday and knowing I'll miss this weekend I felt I needed to journal today before folks took up a collection for the ransom. I will try to catch up on your journals from my Kindle at night so behave yourselves, ya hear?

I have something to vent and it is pretty ugly so I'm going to save it to the end. I'll post a warning before you get there.

But to keep my journal balanced with the good, bad & ugly, let's get the good first.

I finally, without regret (except for the $$$) THREW OUT the pretzel crackers, bagel chips, and cornbread bites last night. It's been a week or so of not having those with my meals, soups, snacks, etc., I feel comfortable that I won't miss the processed refined carb snacks. Yay me. Toast to you, Angel Ruth, for advising me against eating anything with more than five unpronouncable ingredients on the nutrition label.

Of course, this means I'll be signing up for my online chemistry degree any day now. Nahh. I need to take defensive driving first.

No weight loss or gain in two days but I'm feeling more comfortable on the decreased calories this week. I'm mentally struggling with my self designed atkins-lite program because I like fruit & yogurt but hate how green my RDI chart turns when I have it. I know, sugar. I got it. Just sucks is all. Mainly because I have about 8 grapefruit and 3 yogurts on life support wondering if I'm gonna pull the plug or let them expire naturally. Having trouble finding a low carb no sugar yogurt. Keep in mind, I live in the sticks. That's the bad. Rotting fruit and few shopping choices.

Anywhooo... that's the good & the bad. The following is the ugly and for strong audiences only.
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Okay ... you can't say I didn't warn you.
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I hate being hugged.

Now let me qualify. If you look sad, have had a bad day, are married to & intimate with me, haven't seen me for a while or are departing for a known extended period, sure, I want to hug you. I'm not a complete insufferable iceberg.

But I grew up in a generation when the only people who hugged and kissed each other on arrival and departure every single frigging time they crossed paths were either French or in the Mafia. Normal people did not. At least, they didn't in my household, normal or otherwise, nor in any of the other people *I* knew.

Yes, I watched on TV and as my stepdaughters generation adopted that French Mafia 'kiss and hug' trend. Fine. But it's not for me.

I warned you it was going to get ugly. We aren't even there yet.
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If you're reading this with an expression of disgust let me remind or inform you, in my own defense, I am a very loving, caring, big hearted, give you the shirt off my back or need a kidney? I got an extra one kind of gal. I care about people, family and strangers, sometimes far too much. I pay it forward and give to charity and constantly perform random acts of kindness.

But I HATE hugging when it feels fake and forced especially when I've told the person(s) 'I love ya, but I'm just not a hugger.'

So if you're still reading ... it's time for the really ugly part. Last chance to bail...
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My grandsons. They're 13 & 15 and I told them about a year ago 'kiddos, Nana loves you both more than you'll ever know .. I think you're both really special young men and will do anything I can to help you in life ... but Nana is just not a hugger. Can we please develop some other form of 'howdy' that's comfortable to both of us? Fist bombs? High Five? Spider fingers? Elbow banging? Head banging? I'll even try to do that thing guys do when their team scores on occasion but I'm just not a hugger now that y'all tower 12 inches over me.'
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Yes, I just heard every parent and grandparent reading this journal scream that I'm a total bitch. I know what you're thinking because I feel it too just writing it. And yes, we NEVER know if when we see the person as they're leaving if we'll see them again. And yes, yes yes yes yes... I know this reads sooooo horrid hence my repeated warnings.

But I HATE it. Especially as they continue to force it on me. They're not little children. I spend a lot of quality time with them taking them to 'cool places' (gokarts,amusement parks, etc) and the cultural experiences. I play games with them and interact and try to help them benefit from the experience of their wise old Nana.

If you've raised children to the point of teenagers, unless yours were perfect little angels, you know how teenagers will repeatedly do the things you ask them not to do. Be it that they are just rebels that way or just the teenage hormones interfere with their ability to logic and remember, they just do it. If you still have toddlers, well, you've yet to experience it.

But the hugging thing has been a topic a couple of times. Yet EVERY freaking DAY when they walk through the door, because they come by after school and have a snack and watch TV with Gramps, they insist on it.

So every day at 3:30, my anxiety builds. Because day after day they come in the door, cower over me and try to hug me.

I've TRIED. But I HATE hypocrites and this seems FAKE and FORCED and right now, very aggravating to have someone try to force me to do something I don't WANT TO DO. I loved fine cuddling them on my lap when they were babies. I'm truly GENUINE hugging them when they've had a bad day or cried when their dog died. I ALWAYS hug them when we've had heart to heart talks about life and struggles to reinforce how much I love them.

But I don't feel their hugs ARE GENUINE. Not with the expressions on their faces - that general teenage look of going through the motions. Either way, why are they continuing to DO something I've made clear, even in a nice casual way, I don't want to do.

For example, this past Christmas. I took them on our holiday shopping spree. I started this with them a few years back with the conversation 'yes, Santa will bring you most of your gifts but let's get a couple he may forget. If you leave it up to me to pick out, you'll end up with socks and underwear.'

So we had our day of shopping and then a nice dinner out where they went crazy and ordered filet mignon and shrimp cocktails and things that pushed our dinner tab into the triple digits. No worries.

But after that, walking to the car, the youngest said 'so, can we have a hug too?'

SEE, they KNOW it's an issue. I joked and said 'whatsa matter, can't get enough of me, can ya?' ... and kept walking. I hugged them that night as they were leaving to go home. Tight. Squeezed the stuffing out of 'em.

But day after day I feel like an animal backed into a corner just quivering in the confines and trying not to snap back as they approach me and force their hug on me.

I find myself glancing at the clock, knowing they are going to arrive and try to hug me despite the spider fingers or fist bombs I have waiting for them and the end result yesterday was making an excuse to escape to go to the store and screaming so hard and long in the car that my vocal chords crapped out for the rest of the evening.

Again, I know, this reads so horrid. If you're reading this it's ONLY because sometimes it seems I write the things that other readers feel but are too nice to actually put in their own journals.

I'm also writing it to get it out of my head. It's ironic, these journals tend to take on a very 'me me me' feeling. In my real life, I just LISTEN and ANSWER all day long. I sit quietly listening to customers go on and on and on about their issues and respond to MH's request and take the dog potty and the only freaking conversation I really HAVE with ME is in my own head, or here, in my journal.

I really don't know the answer. I started this hoping that seeing my words in print would unlock the answer. It didn't. It only served to make me feel worse.

Feel free to comment - good, bad or ugly. You can't say anything to me that I'm not already thinking. Except, please do not ask me to imagine something bad happening to them and the guilt I'd feel denying them one last hug. I've already done that to myself.

Bella


Diet Calendar Entries for 01 February 2013:
1388 kcal Fat: 44.95g | Prot: 105.91g | Carb: 162.00g.   Breakfast: Egg, Egg White, Grapefruit, Coffee, President Brie Wedge, 100 Cal Tortilla, Hormel Black Label. Lunch: Celery, Pine nut hummus, Schwans Salmon, Grapefruit. Dinner: Oven Roasted Turkey John Morrell, Kraft Twist String, Kraft String Jalepeno, Romaine Lettuce Hearts, World Classic Chiptole, World Classic jalapeno. Snacks/Other: Grapefruit. more...
2150 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
OK, I'll comment... my dad is also not a hugger... unless he's had a too few many and then is now and then lol. The exception was my daughter (his first and only granddaughter) but now that she's a bit older (at 5) that is changing. My father is heavy and he and my son started "belly bumping" goodbye when he was about 3. It was silly, hysterical and confotable to my dad. The last year or so my daughter has taken over the tradition. So to each their own, whatever works should be respected. I don't think you are horrible at all. You tell them you love them, they know it.... all good! But they should respect you're wishes, they are old enough to understand. Do you think they are doing it just to bug you? Just a thought... I know my son would do that! 
01 Feb 13 by member: thynes
Bless you Thynes! Yes,you get it. Yes, I DO think they are doing it to bug me. I think it's a teenage button pushing thing. But the fact that it's attached to a physical demonstration of affection rather than tracking mud on my carpet or dripping the trash bag makes it harder to say 'stop it and I mean it!'  
01 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
All it would take is...ONE super big hug from YOU, to them, in front of their FRIENDS! As for the grapefruit I would have to eat them and Kroger or Stater Bros has a yogurt with only 4carbs....I think it is called carbmaster. 
01 Feb 13 by member: 2toofat
LOL Sandi - I'll try that. No Kroger or Stater Bros w/in a 50mile radius but I'll definitely look for that brand. 
01 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
I hear you and support your feelings wholeheartedly. They are your feelings after all. Our family hugs a lot but I don't think my sister and her kids actually like me so it feels fake. Whatever, at 60 years old I have learned to ask permission before I hug someone and even that seems a bit awkward so I have pretty much stopped hugging unless I get hugged first. Don't be so hard on yourself and tell the boys to "behave themselves" or Santa will be delivering hamburger instead of steaks. :) 
01 Feb 13 by member: Neptunebch
2toofat has it ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Go to their school and holler out - come here sweetie and give ole granny a hug sugarpie! 
01 Feb 13 by member: Neptunebch
I won't send you a virtual hug, LOL. I get it. I'm not a hugger, either. My stepfamily is totally. When I visit for a holiday I get hugs from everyone ; that's how they raised their kids and grandkids. Even their friends who became like family sometimes get in the act. It sets my teeth on edge, but I hug them all, thinking its only a couple times a year. Some are genuine, which are fine, but the rest I give a quick half hug. I try to keep a glass of water in my hand; decreases unwanted contact. I like the suggestions to embarrass-hug your grandsons ; probably only have to do it once. Fist bomb.... 
01 Feb 13 by member: crabby Kat
Thank you all - I've finished packing for the show and read all of your supportive comments with relief. You know, if it were ONLY holidays a couple of times a year, I could deal with it better. It's the 'hug on the way IN the door every day and the hug on the way out the door every day that wears THIN and FORCED and FAKE and TIRED ... and there I go feeling and writing as if I'm justifying myself all over again when you all have said 'we get it Bella.' I'm okay if any more comments follow that aren't (supportive) because I feel as bad about myself as others may be thinking. I was thinking as I was packing - my oldest gson will do the trade show w/me tomorrow - and I imagine he'll do his enevitable (( based on experience )) 'Oh, by the way, I didn't get my hug today' and He DOES it in FRONT of a CUSTOMER and I HAVE to TAKE it or look like a total evil ugly mean old wart on her nose bakes little children in ovens WITCH. So when that happens tomorrow I'll just think of my friends here and suck it up. Then again, maybe I'll start chewing his butt about stuff early in the morning so he won't feel like hugging me?? Oy ... fist bombs and belly bumps to all my buddies here LOL :-) Happy Friday! 
01 Feb 13 by member: FullaBella
I'm definitely a hugger, but am SOOOO not a fan of awkward hugs, so I would never force them on anyone!! (Except for you, Bella... I'm sending you a BIG old hug right now!!) :) Haha... anyway, my vote is that you start to give them a little pinch on the back of their arm, right on the bicep fat area, every time they hug you. It doesn't take very much pressure AT all to get a sting in that spot, so I think it will absolutely work. :) And it's pretty discrete, so nobody will ever really know what happened except for you. Is that too evil? Because I kind of want to do an evil laugh now.... Bwahahhahahahaaaaa... Fist bombs and spider fingers right back at ya, Bella... have a great weekend!! 
01 Feb 13 by member: erika2633
I hope you are ready for this - there are reasons behind it that you can probably relate with. You see, I am typically not a hugger either. It forces me into someone else's space. And I live around and work with farmers, ranchers, and oil field folk. These people work for a living. They sweat. And I am at the perfect height that a hug will bring me (and my nose) into nearly direct contact with their armpit. My daughter is a hugger but we keep those for the confines of our home and only after showers. In public, we decided to have a "secret" way of showing our love for one another. We sat down and plotted. We came up with a casual way to say I love you that only we know about. We brush the hair back from our face and reveal that thing that I dread from hugging. The armpit. We may also say, "armpits". Now, that may strike some people as odd, but we know what it means and it brings a smile to our faces. We smile knowing it means that I love you so much I am willing to be near your armpit. Fist bombs and armpits to you all!  
02 Feb 13 by member: RiverRes
Maybe you have english genes and have inherited our inhibitions! Joking aside I never experienced a hug from the day I started school till I met my husband. I found myself having to say"I think you're supposed to hug your kid at this point" I made myself hug my kids and they have turned out normal for english people. My kids will all hug someone who is crying, the boys will hug good-bye when they know it will be months till we meet again. On the idea of your grandsons doing it BECAUSE you don't want it, my oldest boy aged 30 always pins his father down and gives him a big wet sloppy kiss - he thinks its funny - and it has sort of become funny because we all wait to see when he will do it! Maybe you can try explaining to the eldest why you struggle with it and that you really mean it, and you don't want to spoil your relationship but.... maybe he is mature enough on his own to get it. Failing that can you still buy those things in joke shops that give someone an electric shock when they touch your hand? My boys would have thought gran fighting back made her real cool... You are not a bad person bella, its just the media has made the world change very fast and not always in a good way. 
02 Feb 13 by member: astrid a

     
 

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