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RiverRes's Journal, 19 January 2013
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Good morning FS members!
Plateauville was left behind yesterday as I traveled down a dark alley and ended up in Gaintown. Sure, I can blame water retention, bloatedness, and hormones; but the fact remains that the past week has been filled with personal apathy. Now, the real question is why?
Yes, I am stressed. My father had a stroke, my mother is blind, and I worry about them. My weekly trip to take care of their home, do their grocery shopping, pay their bills, and take care of their meds is personally taxing. And emotionally draining. Yet, I still feel that I am just not doing enough.
On top of that is the return of my son's post concussion syndrome symptoms. As his mother, I will defend him and talk about all the things that he is capable of doing and how smart and dedicated he is. That is on the outside for the world to see. Inside, I worry that the injury to his brain will have lifelong consequences for him. I am afraid to show him my fear.
Work has also been crazy. I have become frustrated with the inadequacy of others and I forget that we are all in the same boat - overwhelmed with the volume of work and struggling to get everything done. It will get worse before it gets better as we struggle against the seasons, but it will get better. It will.
And so I lose focus. I turn to the one thing that has always been there for me. Food. Yesterday, I had 3 pieces of candy and the most fat-laden meal I have had in months. For the past five months, I had the courage to say no and for nearly a week, I have struggled with my willpower. I haven't exercised in four days. Exercise makes me feel better, and yet, I haven't done anything other than walk (which I have to do anyway).
I have said the serenity prayer a number of times as I wrote this. It truly is one of the best motivators, guiding me toward the things that I can actually work on.
If I think I am short-changing your parents, I can do something about it. I can hire someone to fill the void I feel I am leaving. It is a short term commitment of time on my part with a potential longterm benefit for them. Like Nike, just do it.
For my son, I already have an appointment with doc. I may need to help him be like me, write everything down, and figure out triggers for headaches. That will be a long term management strategy - we will cross that bridge if and when we need to. I know there will be another barage of tests; I just need to steel myself and remind myself that knowing is better than not knowing. With knowledge, I can help make decisions and move in a positive direction.
For work, I need to soldier on. I can only do what I can do in my 10 hour day. I then need to put away work and concentrate on the people in my life. If I don't get everything done, it isn't because I didn't try or do my job correctly, it is because there is just too much to do. My Mom told me I am short changing my kids by working at night. She is right.
And last, me. Not really last, but easier for me to work on and change. It is easier to follow my plan, than not to follow my plan and then lament over the consequences. That is the motivation. That is the reason. I thought I would have to come up with some profound reason, some goal that would make me strive. I don't really think it is that difficult. Just do what you were doing two weeks ago. It may seem inglorious, but it was working. And I felt better.
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197.6 lb
Lost so far: 39.4 lb.
Still to go: 27.6 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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Diet Calendar Entries for 19 January 2013:
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1160 kcal
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Fat: 23.41g | Prot: 61.40g | Carb: 180.42g.
Breakfast: Milk (Nonfat), mr. dells , stevia, Flavors French Vanilla Ground Coffee. Lunch: 2% Mexican Cheddar Jack, Tortilla, lettuce, tomato, rosarita zesty salsa refried beans, Green Chile Sauce with Chicken. Dinner: MORNING STAR FARMS GRILLER, 2% Milk American Cheese Singles, HEINZ KETCHUP, KROGER HAMBURER BUN, VLASSIC OVALS. Snacks/Other: chips and salsa, apple, raspberries. more...
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3139 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Housework - 1 hour and 30 minutes, Desk Work - 8 hours, Shopping - 3 hours, Resting - 3 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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on diet Ornish Diet
gaining 0.7 lb a week
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 Comments
Paula, you continue to amaze me with your ability to sort it all out and handle all that you do. You are an amazing woman. I lose count on how many times I repeat the serenty prayer throughout the day - we probably say it at the same time. And your plan is great because it works. Good for you.
19 Jan 13 by member: FullaBella
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