jsfantome's Journal, 18 January 2013

I've spent a lot of time in this journal. And usually, I am upbeat and positive and encouraging. That is because my true nature is to be upbeat, positive and encouraging. I suppose it's the mother in me.

We had our 'class' again last night - and this book is bringing up alot for me to think about.

For starters - being a mother was the one thing in life I was 'sure of'. Something inside of me wanted it, longed for it, savored it, and felt like I was 'made' for it! And if you have that...about anything in life...than you know how I feel.

But I don't 'have that' about anything else.

And now, to be almost 50, with no zero-in on career, no kids left at home, and feeling like I have no 'purpose'... well, it is unsettling to say the least.

I don't know for sure what the future holds for me - but I do know I am finding my way to the surface. Once there, I will get out of this pool, and not just hold my breath and dive back into the deep end w/ out a care in the world. I will dry off... bask in the sun a bit.. and start to figure this thing we call 'life' out a bit.

I don't know what I want.
And I don't even know the things that make me happy.

I know chocolate chip cookies make me happy for about 5 minutes. Then the sugar in them makes me sick. Too many times I have said 'oh well, to the 5 min's later issue'... too many times.

While I love my husband dearly, he has hurt me. And even though I continuously deal with freeing myself - by forgiving - the pain lingers. We only get so far with re-building... and I end up sooner or later feeling like I got the short end of the stick.

And I don't deserve the short end of the stick.

And I don't believe marriage should ever feel like that either.

In a bit of a funk today. Just needed to start the process...

Much Love.
on diet jsfantome's own diet  


Well Paula, I've never been much of a touchy-feely kind of guy. I mean, I can tear up at a sad movie, or be romantic, but I'm more of a no-nonsense practical person. One thing I've come to realize is that life isn't one big romance novel. If we lived by "feelings" we'd kill each other off. I stopped keeping score on the number of times my wife said something hurtful to me, and I'll bet I've reciprocated more times than that. We came to the conclusion long ago that what we said in the heat of the moment wouldn't be held against each other forever. I've never had a "calling." Nothing ever jumped out at me as being the number one reason I was put on this earth. But there have been many times I've looked back and seen the difference I have made in some peoples lives. And I know from reading your posts, that you have probably influenced a lot more people than I have over the years. And maybe that is your "calling." You are not what you do for a living; you are who God made you to be - and learning to be content in whatever state you find yourself, is really the key to an abundant life. That's not to say that you can't pursue dreams, adventure and excitement - just don't be defined by what you do; be defined by who you are. IMHO. 
18 Jan 13 by member: DairyKing
Wow DairyKing very insightful. Paula - we all get into a funk sometimes and personally for me I think that is when I am dwelling on the old stuff or the things that I was supposed to let go. You are right if you haven't forgiven you cannot let it go. I think you journaled about forgiving and that is the first step of letting it go. However, that is not to say that when you forgive and move on that the devil doesn't try to plant those seeds to make you dredge it back up...now this is just my two cents on my personal experience. DH has done some things that a lot of people would not move past but because I chose to forgive and move past it I have to sometimes remind myself of that. Even now years later there are times. For me I think that is normal, but i choose whether to let them take root and grow or or to remind myself that it is past and moved on. Now of course there are other things that one needs counseling for and only you can determine that. I have to say that DairyKing really added something insightful. He is right...aside from being a mother which I was so ready for I couldn't look into my life and think wow I really am in my niche and have a purpose. If I looked at my life like that then I would probably find myself feeling lesser for where I am. What I do know is that I raised a beautiful daughter that is 19 and hopefully getting ready to join the Military. I work hard to be a good wife and that is not always an easy task. Other than that there is nothing extraordinary about who I am or what I do. However, God thinks otherwise and that helps me to see it otherwise. What DK said is so true. I would not think about the people's lives that I have touched...unless someone like him might point that aspect out. We do not think about how our positive thoughts or comments or even a smile might change a persons day or life. However, I have faith and believe that it is true. If you have a dream then pursue it and if you want some adventure then of course find it...but don't think that you aren't successful or on a great path. From what I read in your posts I know you must be touching peoples lives everyday. Heck you touch our lives here just reading your posts. You do your book meeting each week and I know you are touching peoples lives there even if you do not realize and maybe even when you least expect it. I hope none of this sounds crazy and a lot of it was me rambling and trying to put my thoughts of my own life here to share. We all get in a funk and sometimes we just need to write it down..there are times I have written and then when I went back to re-read it was surprised at what I wrote..lol. I hope you feel better and know that you touch many lives without even realizing it. 
18 Jan 13 by member: jaime30024
Well said DKing..Paula..it takes time for wounds to heal..believe me I know..I am so sorry you DH hurt you..you deserve better treatment..as you are a loving, caring,do for people person..YOu have touched my life by just being a friend on here...and I would love to meet you in person to give you the hug that you deserve just from me..Love and Hugs..girl...:O) 
18 Jan 13 by member: BHA
DK & Jamie - thank you! I can't even begin to thank you...but thank you! Between my nest being empty, knee deep in menapause, and feeling like a fish out of water while I wait for an answer on my recent job interview... I am just feeling crappy! I actually feel the happiest when I am at the church office working on projects, helping other people, encouraging them...recognizing my blessings in this world...that I am loved, and I have the opportunity to love others. That alone, can turn someone's life around! And if I could afford to do that all the time...I would. But the church cannot afford to pay me, and my husband insists we need the money - so my job search continues. I don't want to be ugly at him, or feel resentful... but in my opinion we don't need the money - not enough for me to trade my time for a minimum wage job at McDonald's. And since I have been sending out resumes for months and have had ONE, (count them...one) response... seriously, do I have to go to work at some s##t job that I don't want? The whole prospect of that is making me miserable. And when I bring it up w/ my husband he tries to be supportive - but then says something like, "Well, we all have to do something." - YUP! Indeed we do. 
18 Jan 13 by member: jsfantome
thanks Bren - I love you too!!! Maybe a trip to VT is in order! It is VT isn't it? 
18 Jan 13 by member: jsfantome
Virginia Tech???..no but Virginia..LOL...:O) 
18 Jan 13 by member: BHA
Well, I got the V right! LOL! That's a bit of a hike from North of Boston...but maybe...one day! 
18 Jan 13 by member: jsfantome
Paula, I can relate to so many things in your journal. When my daughter died, I didn't know what in the world I would do with my time, even though I had to other little guys (age 3 and newborn) at home. Somehow, as time passed that feeling of emptiness and too much time on my hands passed. Then my oldest got married and moved away...once again I was shattered. My boys and hubby are my life. I am a mom and a wife...there isn't anything else I really ever wanted to do. I was once offered a full boat scholarship to a top medical school, by my daughter's neurologist. I said thank you but no, I really couldn't, I had a family to take care of. When my youngest and his wife moved into their own home, it was so hard at first. I thought about a job, everything got cleaned, I redid the guest rooms, painted, puttered, gardened...you know. I felt like I wasn't contributing anything to anyone. Finally, I talked to hubby about it, and I prayed about it...alot! I came to realize that wherever I am, whatever I am doing, it is all part of God's plan for me. ALL OF IT! As for your trials with your hubby...you have made a conscious choice to forgive him, so that is what you need to do. When God forgives us of our trespasses, for Him it is as if it never happened. Try to do the same for your hubby, and if you can't then talk to someone. That's a heavy thing to carry around with you all the time. As for the crappy job...hey, tell hubby that you aren't doing it, and don't! You are a grown woman, with a mind of her own. Do what makes you happy, and if you don't want to work, just want to volunteer, then do that and tell hubby you'll adjust the budget as it needs to be adjusted. HUGS and lots of love!!!  
18 Jan 13 by member: ctlss
*two other little guys...lol Brain got ahead of the digits! 
18 Jan 13 by member: ctlss
Paula, this is the second Journal where I heard DK say "a touchy-feely." great journal, though, and great comments. I don't know how much I can add as I am nt married and have no children. I do have relationships though and I imagine that we are mostly better for them. As morbid as it sounds, to lose someone or not to have had the relationship is unbearably sad, so I try just to hold dear to the good stuff, the precious times. Now, no kids in the house, it's Paula time. You've earned it, lady. ENJOY it (before the grand kids start coming). :) HUGS 
19 Jan 13 by member: Helewis
i feel your dispare.i always thought from what i know of you.you have a fulfilling life.chin up. 
19 Jan 13 by member: rockytu
I agree. God is using you in other peoples lives all the time. I am sure you are not even aware of what a difference you make. I wouldn't worry about the job thing either because God is in control and you will only be put where He wants you to be. 
19 Jan 13 by member: iamachristianjesusfreak
Wow....thought-provoking journal entry and equally thought-provoking responses! Paula, you're not alone in not knowing what you want or even, what makes you happy. I can get caught up in those thoughts too. But then I ask myself if I'm UNhappy and the answer is a resounding, NO! And, as for direction, or purpose, I struggle with that, as well. It used to make me almost frantic to determine that purpose and get on with it! But, perhaps as age has come along, I've relaxed into my life and trusted that God will place me where He wants....and in HIS own time. That's actually pretty tough for me. I just *try* to trust He's placed me I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now. :)  
19 Jan 13 by member: Sandy701


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