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KukiAme's Journal, 12 January 2013
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Morning. I feel I need a brain dump. I'm back down to all of $20 to get me through next week. I'm maintaining my gas pretty well and if I resist the urge to go anywhere extra other than church tomorrow, I might actually make it until Friday. I can't begin to tell you how amazing that would be to go 2 weeks on one tank of gas in my car. My SUV has decent mileage but, in relation to a smaller car, it's still quite the gas hog. Anyway, I understand my choices have brought me here. I really need to force myself to go grocery shopping the day I get paid because I have looked back and I average @ $40 lost to eating out when I don't grocery shop right away per paycheck.
I've been job hunting and working on getting myself to choose a direction in terms of what I want to do. I applied for 2 jobs on Thursday that would put me back into the temp/seasonal range of things. I've had my issues with it but I was still better off than I am now and happier. If I can get a job with housing, sell off a good solid chunk of my belongings (so I don't have to move it or store it), between the money I'd be saving on rent (not a ton but enough) and the money from selling stuff, I might be able to hack away at some of my credit card debt. I would then be freed up a bit to consider some paid SCA internships if I was unable to secure another temp job which would award me money I can use on tuition payments.
The other "job" I applied to yesterday would be a change in directions. I would work to maintain an educator angle but I applied to become a farming apprentice. It's all great to take classes on gardening and such but I would like to get more hands on and intensive in that learning. I will have to do some of the footwork to find myself a place but there's a farm not too far from here that has housing, a small stipend, and not only does CSA and food pantry work but functions out of a Episcopal retreat/conference center. I would love to find a way to make a difference teaching people how to maintain a subsistence garden in creative ways. Since my gardens have been a bit "meh" the last 2 years, I need to learn some more before I can teach.
It would be a huge change in direction and it would be a significant financial risk. I would still sell stuff but I would absolutely have to secure a second part-time job. I might even have to find a full time job that would allow me to work with the farm schedule. It scares me but obviously doing things the way I've been doing them lately isn't correcting the situation I'm in. Sadly, it's not going to.
Big changes. Scary changes. I have longed for a sense of security for many years and thought that a full time job would be a big part of making that happen. Unfortunately, that has not been the case. It's time for me to stop pretending that, "tomorrow it'll be different and better even though I'm doing the same thing!" It's time for me to stop beating myself up for knowing that my job isn't cutting it and feeling guilty because I don't want to work here anymore.
It frustrates me when people "ooh" and "ahh" when they find out where I work because everyone thinks where I work is so cool. It has been a big part of why I feel guilty. Where I work is a cool place. It really is. I'm grateful that I've had the opportunity to add this to my resume. With the current trend in management and the economy, though, I have to make sure I'm taking care of myself before I take care of this precious non-profit. You can't help others until your own needs are taken care of. It's a daily process to stop martyring myself. So, guilt aside, me first.
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