jsfantome's Journal, 10 January 2013

Finding myself (or coming to my senses) so to speak - has been one of the best things for me in months!!!

When you feel lost, alone, down, etc...it is so hard to get your emotional bearings. Negative thoughts breed negative thoughts. And it only got worse from there.

I was reading through some of my older journal entries, and realized I was trying. Trying to climb up out of my funk...but it was A LOT... and it was DIFFICULT.

I am so thankful that I am NOT alone. And that this site exists - where I can reassure myself... I am NOT alone. Not in this journey. Not in this life.

Of course there are always reasons. And I will one day need to complete the emotional process of dealing with each of them. But one step at a time. So far, I have begun to deal with the day to day emotions that want to draw me back in.

I am doing well food and exercise wise. But it is a battle. And something Triaby wrote made me realize - right now I am fighting hard to WIN! I don't want to give in again. I don't want to give UP again. Or just throw in the towel, or be that person who just doesn't give a rip!

I do care. I care about me.. and I care about you. (actually that is why I am even writing this journal.) Somedays are going to be hard. And while I haven't had to use this strategy recently... I know I will have to sooner or later... but sometimes, you do 'go off plan'.

It's that moment.. that moment when you feel like a 'failure' (even though your not..you're brain will try to tell you - you are) WHEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT BACK!!! Accepting that you or I make a decision or a choice.. then recognizing it isn't the BEST choice for the 'set of goals' we have - just requires a new decision to get right back at it.

No condemnation. No internal abuse. No name calling or negativity required. Just an awareness - that 'one' slip - does not end the journey. When I gave up on myself... I let one thing, turn into two things, turn into who gives a rip... all because my mental state was weakened by stress and grief... and I couldn't fight back. I didn't have the strength on the inside, mentally, to fight. I just didn't care.

If you ever get there... please reach out. If only I had just come back here and been honest and told friends that I was struggling worse than when I weighed 205 lbs ... perhaps I wouldn't have climbed back so high. Perhaps the connection with others, and the support system - is the key - PARTICULARLY when things are hard!!! Yeah, it's all great when people are 'whoo hooing' you that you dropped a pound. And I am the queen of the WHOOO HOOO!!! Because I know it's a lot of work!

But I also NOW know that the support people need when they are hurting can make all the difference in whether they will stick around, and work through their stuff... to get the WIN!!!

I am a winner. And I will again, one day, be back at my goal weight. WOW!!! The things we learn in this journey!!!

Much Love.