CurlyLocks66's Journal, 09 January 2013

I'm back!! Well I must say that it has been quite a long journey getting back to taking care of my health. Since last March 2012, I feel completely off track. My abusive relationship with food, took on a life of its own and I gained back all the weight (I worked so hard to lose) plus an additional 10 pounds. So here I am almost an entire year later starting all over again.

I have learned a lot in this past year. I can clearly see now that my relationship with food is very unhealthy. I do not use food for its intended purpose (to fuel my body with energy). However, I do use food to be my best friend, to deal with stress, to fill my emotional needs, to comfort me in times of loneliness, and many other situations. I can clearly see that FOOD has become by ‘fix’ of choice when I need something to address the ups and downs in my life. Would I go as far to say I am addicted to food? Yes and no, I know that I desire certain foods and will eat the without taking a minute to think about what they do to my body. I have certain foods that I turn to with a vengeance when I need a ‘fix’. I have definitely missed used food for a very long time. And because of that there are now certain foods that I know I just can’t have in the future.

I have learned (through taking a close look at my patterns of behavior), that I am an emotional eater. It has become worse since I quit smoking in 2008. I turn to food to deal with any emotions that I feel I cannot control. Anger, sadness, helplessness, fear, embarrassment, guilt are just a few of the emotions that I let rule what I eat. When I get so deep into using food to address my feelings that is when I start to feel like an ‘addict’. Food just becomes my ‘fix’ to deal with the problems instead of finding safe and healthy ways to deal with my overly active emotional state.

So what brought me back! Few different reasons! On December 29, 2012, I had surgery to have my gall bladder removed; I didn’t even know I had gallstones until December 22. For many years all I thought I was having heart burn attacks. Now I know that those were gallbladder attacks! So within seven days, due to a stone stuck in my bile duct, I had emergency surgery and have been home for a while recuperating. Needless to say this ‘reason’ has just jumped started my engine to begin my healthy journey! Next reason, I have spent the last few months really figuring out ‘why’ I eat how I do and was getting ready to take the jump back into a healthy lifestyle. I got a counsellor and started discussing my relationship with food, how I got to this point, and how I can move forward. I am glad that I have started to mentally address why I eat the way I do, because it has given me lots of insight into why I continue to make such poor food choices.

Some of the most important reasons are: I loved the feelings I had when I was losing weight and not just the scale dropping in numbers! I felt mentally stronger, was thinking clearer, had more energy, got a better handle on my emotions (didn’t let them rule my life), and I felt in control. Sure I loved my new body as I lost weight and how I looked in clothes excreta, but what I loved the most was loving my life so much more. Feeling happier, being in control, not sweating the small stuff, being more mindful and having courage again.

I want to thank all of my Fat Secret buddies that have stood by me, helped me grow and given me the courage to address my fears and get stronger. I am ready for a FRESH START, I am always going to have my ups and downs but I have STRONG FAITH!!!

Diet Calendar Entry for 09 January 2013:
1438 kcal Fat: 41.19g | Prot: 81.31g | Carb: 190.00g.   Breakfast: Water, Almond Breeze, Kamut Puffs, International Delight Creamer Hazelnut Fat Free, Coffee, Oikos Greek Organic Yogurt Fat Free Peach-Mango on the Bottom, Blueberry Cinnamon Flax Oatmeal. Lunch: Feta Shredded Cheese, Chickpeas (Garbanzo Beans, Bengal Gram) (Mature Seeds, Canned), Soybeans (Mature, Without Salt, Cooked, Boiled). Dinner: Wholly Guacamole, Tex Mex Light, Wholly Salsa, Russet Potatoes (Flesh and Skin, Baked), Great Value Sour cream, Boneless Chicken Breasts. Snacks/Other: Skinny Cow Candy Bar. more...

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Comments 
Firstly, great to have you back!! Secondly, ditto to most of your weaknesses....but WOW you hit the nail square on the head and have just made me realise why I am back....not just because of a weight gain...to reclaim the me that I lost along the way. So many things contribute to the positives you gain from loosing weght, it's not all about the number on the scales, I had forgotten about how good I felt as an individual....THANK YOU XXX 
09 Jan 13 by member: Di Happy
Thanks so much Di! It feels good to be back and I am so glad that my journal entry has inspired you to see things too! Take care all the very best! 
09 Jan 13 by member: CurlyLocks66
:O) 
09 Jan 13 by member: KimHob
You go, girl! Half of the battle is the EMOTIONS behind the food, not the food itself. 
09 Jan 13 by member: flagchic

     
 

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