FullaBella's Journal, 18 December 2012

Wow - Major Ephinany this morning wherein I realized, once again, how I have been a complete and utter moron most of my life. I'm beginning to wonder how I've lived this long. I guess it's true God protects fools. I'm living proof.

I'd been working through a bit of a vent about my friend for three days now. No need to look back on my journals I never posted it. I've written and discarded thousands of words about it trying to identify the bottom line but finally realized the 'it': I have stupidly allowed people closest to me to take advantage of me because I felt it was a fair trade off for them accepting me because I'm fat. And that's just WRONG!

The commentary track in my head was going like this:
"I think she is starting to take advantage! Why is it that (the details are not necessary for the epiphany - simply put, I felt she was being a bad friend). This is the THIRD time for this crap and I've had enough!"

Then my 'compassionate try to be fair and understanding' response went like this:
"Look... maybe she's not aware of what she's doing and besides she's been your friend for a long time now and you don't have that many friends who fit your life because of your situation and look, after all, she was your friend even when you were fat so she should be cut some slack....'

And all of a sudden, Jumpin' Jack Flash, my commentary screeched like one of those old vinyl records when you pulled the needle across them (you may have to ask your parents to explain how we listened to music before IPODs.)

"What in the HECK does ONE have to do with the other??? Hey, you have NEVER taken crap from a stranger, retailer, waitstaff, co-worker or any other person around you just because you're fat. Why do you think you should have to tolerate that from someone who's supposed to be your FRIEND? What makes you think just because you're fat that you have to take what they dish out? Why do you you feel she was doing you a FAVOR to be your friend because of how much you weighed??"

Much commentary followed but you get the point. As always, thank you for reading.

Diet Calendar Entries for 18 December 2012:
1260 kcal Fat: 48.71g | Prot: 65.07g | Carb: 155.56g.   Breakfast: Coconut Oil, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee, Schwans Blueberry, Flax Seed, Creamer, Plain non fat yogurt. Lunch: Schwans Roasted Chicken, Spinach, Fat Free Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing, Fresh Express 3-Color Deli Coleslaw, Cucumber, Mushrooms, Tomato. Dinner: Sweet and Sour Shrimp, Crisps, Chicken Asparagus Soup. Snacks/Other: McIntosh Apple, Almonds. more...
2304 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
You know I kind of feel the same way. Although, I don't think so much it is because we are fat, but because we let ourselves be taken advantage of. At least with me, like I will drive, I will pay and everything but I don't our 'friends' mean to take advantage because well me, I let them I guess I could say. And we (I) feel that we must let them because they won't be our 'friends' if we don't. Again, this is all me. It probably is different for you. And I don't know if any of this made sense anymore. LOL. 
18 Dec 12 by member: gabbygabby
I think this is true for those of us that are fat, due to emotional problems or low self esteem in the first place. We haven't taken care of ourselves becausewe don't feel like we are deserving of the effort it requires. That same lack of self worth often leads to us allowing people, usually those closest to us, to take advantage of us. When we finally start to care about ourselves,we realize that we deserve better. However, we must remember that even though people have taken unfair advantage ofus, that doesn't mean that they don't care or that they aren't our real friends. Most people will do what ever they can get away with, and not give it much thought. When we've let people walk all over us, they get to a point where they don't even know they are doing it (EVEN IF THEY SHOULD), and they usually don't realize that we are hurt by it. The trick is learning how to stand up for ourselves, and redefine our own personal bounderies, without losing those that are true friends. :) Something that we are all probably working on.  
18 Dec 12 by member: sammyjeantoo
It made sense Gabby - and yes, at some point I did wade in on my commentary and say 'hey, Bella, you're a big girl, you could have said NO' but the thing that grabbed MY attention on my own self commentary was where I actually voiced 'she's been your friend even when you were fat.." The fact that *I* was voicing that justification was a definite 'My Bad!' 
18 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
I think it's awesome that you are really taking the time and energy to work through these issues. This is what is going to help you stay healthy for life. Thanks for sharing your journal.:) It helps to see that others are dealing with similar issues. 
18 Dec 12 by member: sammyjeantoo
Yes, I totally get what you are saying. I'm glad that all made sense. I felt like a was rambling lol. I agree with sammyjeantoo, it will help us stay healthy if we are able to work through this ordeal and not let it continue. 
18 Dec 12 by member: gabbygabby
Amen, sisters! Let's learn to respect ourselves and gain the self confidence to gently set boundaries and to know for sure that our friends care about us for who we are, not just what we do for them. 
18 Dec 12 by member: crabby Kat
Yep, part of the fat girl problem. Not feeling like we deserve things, and needing to be grateful for every scrap of love/attention we are thrown.  
18 Dec 12 by member: JessWhatINeeded
My "near perfect" brother said something to me once. I was just coming off a divorce and was complaining about getting back into the dating scene. He told me, "You get exactly what you are willing to put up with." He said it with the intention that I not compromise my standards when it came to dating anyone. Those words have haunted me for nearly two decades. I take them with me wherever I go - and it has allowed me to live with the decisions I have made and let go of what might best be termed as "poisonous" relationships. I am not perfect; I make a lot of mistakes. But I carry that phrase as a badge of honor and ensure I am surrounded by people who love and care for ME. As a sign of respect and devotion to them, I return the love and care. I suggest that you take some time away from the person who is giving you grief. If your friend truly cares about your relationship she will notice that you have cut her off and she will either make amends or she won't. Either way, you will be stronger from choosing to make yourself a priority.  
18 Dec 12 by member: RiverRes
Thanks everyone - I appreciate your understanding and support. I will definitely address this friendship issue - probably very subtle push back. This taking advantage is new from her or maybe I never focused on myself enough to notice.  
18 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
You are making such great break throughs!!!! Amazing, one layer at a time and you're cleaning out all those old issues....great job!!!!  
19 Dec 12 by member: Rubie-sue
Thank you RubieSue.. yeah.. it was wild catching myself just SAYING something that stupid. I've always been so opposite on the surface ala 'Yeah.... I'm fat... deal with it ....' so to hear that oh so wrong excuse in a mental commentary was an eye opener. 
19 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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