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Yesterday was a very emotional day of journaling and reflecting on an unpleasant experience with the Screaming Meanies (SM's) followed by exploring the playground of my mind to understand their uninvited presence in my life. I'd been having so many good days lately they took me by surprise by crashing my party.
At first it seemed the SM's stomped in just to sabatoge my journey to be healthy with their negative insults. I resented the heck out of them and did not want to listen. Especially as they were bullies and jumped me when I was naked.
Once I recovered though and gave the SM's their due I forgave them for their abuse and remembered to embrace their presence for they are the voice in my head that tells me to pay attention. They just don't always do it very eloquently.
The SM's have been around for as long as I can remember through school, college, relationships, careers, marriage, parenting, grandparenting and retiring to run my own business while being a caretaker to MH. While I absolutely HATE their delivery method they have pushed me to be stronger and smarter my whole life and helped me survive a truly horrid childhood of every abuse possible that could have so gone in a different direction.
I don't always like them because they do tend to fill me with self doubt and quite frankly tick me off. For example, in my career life, despite glowing performance results, above standard pay increases, bonuses, and never having to submit a resume (jobs offers came to me constantly) I would worry everytime a supervisor walked into my cube, office, or conference room that I was about to be fired. But in all fairness, the economics of the last two decades played as big a role in that insecurity as the SM's.
While I'm sure by now this reads like a victim of Stockholm Syndrome as imperfect as they may be the SM's show up whenever I feel 'too' cocky. While a little confidence is good, being full of myself isn't. And that's really what they were reminding me of Tuesday night. Perhaps I'd said something that day that came off as superior or reacted that day without adequate compassion. Perhaps I'd judged inappropriately.
Despite all of the progress and new skills and good eating & thinking habits formed since Operation Oatmeal began I still have a very long way to go and need to pay attention. The SM's testing me by taunting my image left me with with a stronger resolve and a reminder to take care of this body and love it regardless of the packaging. I'm so fortunate I was given another day and that my FS friends were here to help me through it all.
As always, thank you for reading.
Diet Calendar Entries for 13 December 2012:
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1085 kcal
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Fat: 37.45g | Prot: 65.91g | Carb: 130.49g.
Breakfast: Dannon Light & Fit Greek, Creamer, Flax Seed, Schwans Blueberries, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee, Coconut Oil. Lunch: Diced Tomatos, Spinach, Schwan Oven Roasted Chicken Bites, Schwans Tortellini, Mushrooms. Dinner: Grapefruit, Schwans Salmon. Snacks/Other: Emerald Dry Roasted Almonds, Schwans Berries, Dannon Light Greek Yogurt, Eggnog. more...
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