FullaBella's Journal, 12 December 2012

Holy Cow! Apparently 'Bella's Cycle of Insanity' wheel possesses a super power ability to regenerate itself replacing every destroyed spoke with three new ones in their place. Kind of like plucking a grey hair or cutting off the tail of a lizard. The spokes come back with a vengeance.

At the end of my really great positive day yesterday I had a melt-down of such self image hating proportions I eventually screamed 'Stop It, STOP It, STOP IT' outloud in effort to quiet that mean ugly negative voice pick pick picking at me in my head.

Oh, and the 'Yes, you Can' gal? What a freaking wimp. She was sitting on the bench with her pom-poms propped ever so neatly on her knees watching this battle. She wasn't about to get her little manicured hands scuffed in this knock down drag out!

I'd gone into the bathroom for a shower and was thinking about, what else, food.

Not because I was hungry or even craving anything, though. I was thinking about it because I wasn't hungry yet when I logged my dinner into the food diary I noted I was only at 935 calories for the day and that was the third day in a row I had barely broken 1000 calories.

Being consistently below my 1300 a day goal was nagging me because I've already dropped from 1800 to 1500 now 1300 and each time I drop my RDI I seem to want to stay below it.

So instead of a 'whoo-hoo' I was lecturing myself that it wasn't enough and I was slipping into a bad habit. Sure, when I reach goal weight and want to maintain or correct or even during the inevitable maddening plateau I'm going to hit around 200lbs it will be good for me to shake up my body with a intermittent fast.

But with all of the emotional issues I still possess toward food and self image combined with my having learned to literally starve myself to take off weight as young as thirteen, I have to be very careful. Eating less and not wanting more comes easy for me. My problem is eating, period, and doing it healthy every single day. THAT is the skill I have to learn.

So I was telling myself I needed to consider an apple and maybe some guacamole to put in a couple of more calories before bed. After all, my goal is to lose this weight slow and steady and for the rest of my life.

But then, those screaming meanies showed up. You know those really dark shadowy screeching creatures in the movie 'Ghost' that would drag the 'bad guys' away? They ganged up on me in the bathroom. This would be the bathroom with a full wall mirror over the double vanity and a full length mirror on the opposite wall reflecting nearly a 360 degree view of me at all times.

Having been overweight when MH married me I have no idea what he was thinking when he had those incorporated into the room design. Were it not for the dread of fourteen years of bad luck I'd be picking up broken mirror glass today.

The screaming meanies ganged up on me when I was naked and started beating me up and taunting my poor old body. Sans the profanity they sounded something like this:

"Eat MORE? Are you CRAZY? How about eating even less for a few days? How DARE you be proud to be in a size 18 jeans... that's still FAT ... after all, look at that stomach sagging down nearly touching your thighs!"

"Look at you. Your hair is permanently thin and no amount of biotin or prenatal vitamins or B12 supplements seem to be helping. What a waste of money and time and weird colored urine that's turning out to be!"

"And what's up with those suitcases under your eyes! You've got enough baggage to travel Europe! You've started going to bed early and trying to sleep more but you look like you haven't slept in weeks!"

"So what if you lose more weight? You'll never be able to go outside in a sleeveless blouse with those batwings! Heck, one really windy day and you'd take flight, that is, if you get that big lumpy old butt of yours off the ground."

This evil, ugly battle went on longer but this is enough to give an example of the abuse. There are times when I wish I could file assault charges on my self esteem.

So having already pulled on my comfortable red plaid robe to cover my body and defend myself against the mirror and the screaming meanies I shouted the 'stop it' three times and sat down on the edge of the tub, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and prayed.

I'm not sure how long I prayed but I'm sure my water bill will reflect it next month as the shower was running the entire time and I'd depleted all of the heated water.

When the roaring in my head finally ceased I opened my eyes and discovered the screaming meanies had departed. With a "Thank you" and "Amen" I gave myself a deep cleansing breath and went out into the living room (while the water heater replinished) and had a snack. A healthy snack. No binge.

I may have to extend my Mantra. 'One day at a time, One Bite at a Time' may need to begin including 'One moment of Sanity at a time.' I know this place I'm in right now because I've been here before. It's on the edge of being stupid with my health and my weight loss and I don't want to take that leap.

As always, thank you for your patience, support, and for reading.


Diet Calendar Entries for 12 December 2012:
1065 kcal Fat: 22.34g | Prot: 67.91g | Carb: 164.70g.   Breakfast: Coffee, Muesli, Creamer, Dannon Light & Fit Greek, Schwans Strawberries. Lunch: Spinach, Diced Tomatos, Mushrooms, Schwans Tortellini, Schwan Oven Roasted Chicken Bites, Turnip Greens. Dinner: Schwan Oven Roasted Chicken Bites, Schwans Tortellini, Mushrooms, Diced Tomatos, Spinach. Snacks/Other: Dannon Light Greek Yogurt, Muesli, Schwans Berries. more...
2346 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
Oh Bella! I am sorry you had such a battle raging in your mind! I look to you for inspiration! Your journals help me every day! As I stirred the most delicious batch of cookies last night, I shared with my children that I was thinking of them as art, not food I needed (or wanted!!) to have. Keep the faith - we are there with you.... 
12 Dec 12 by member: RiverRes
Sounds like your screaming meanings are scared since they have realized that you're going to do this and kick their mean/lying/controling/fat asses to the curb with your new self!!! They are trying to stop you as hard as they can. Great job not listening to them and finding that quiet place till they gave up. Remember even now when what you see is not that pretty it is good. List off all the good and/or great things your body had done for you, and yell it louder than the screaming meanies. You must be doing great to have them so scared and mean. Great Great Great Job!!!! Keep it up and kick their butts!!!  
12 Dec 12 by member: Rubie-sue
You don't know me so excuse me for jumping in here but I have to commend you on your self control and your humour even if aimed at yourself. You did a fabulous job now letting the screaming meanies get to you. They can be horrendous as they know you so well. Have you thought of perhaps covering the mirrors before you take your clothes of? I am sure you have nothing to be ashamed of, you are a work in progress but if it helped keep the little buggers at bay? Again congrats on getting through that one battle. Each 'win' helps you get stronger for the next.  
12 Dec 12 by member: sarahsmum
Hey...I am with Sarasmum, so....Having had a recent bout of those same screeming meanies myself, I know how destructive they can be. Congrats on making it through to the "other side"! I find it easier to hear the cheerleaders if I don't look in the mirror, close your eyes & think of just how many good changes are turning into good habits, & then smile...the meanies hate that. 
12 Dec 12 by member: gg-girl
sorry you had to go thru that. I think most women do, at one time or another, even the skinny ones. I have 3 fit, beautiful daughters who have all had self esteem issues. It makes me want to bang my head against a wall! On the other hand, in general men think they are perfect no matter what they look like, at least the ones I know. Grrr.... I personally will not allow a full length mirror in my home. My bathroom mirror goes down to my hips. That is far enough to make sure my dress is not trapped in my underwear. (:o keep the faith my friend. You are beautiful inside and out. <3 Teri  
12 Dec 12 by member: teskandar
Bella, you are truly amazing & it is with awe that I read about your strength & determination. You are such an inspiration, because even as you struggle (& we all do & will as we find our way through our eating issues), you find a way to handle it successfully & keep you sense of humor through it all. Your sharing has helped me in so many ways, like your other FS buddies. And as mentioned already, each time you keep those screaming meanies at bay, you make it harder for them to return. Each time you post, by sharing so much of your journey, you make each of our roads easier & more enjoyable to travel (no eye or other baggage needed;)! 
12 Dec 12 by member: Ruhu
Bella I am so sorry that you had to experience that but despite it all you still took control and kicked those meanies to the curb. Your raw honesty is amazing as what you wrote are feels I am certain many of us have or are dealing with. I appreciate your honesty and hope you have a better day tomorrow. 
12 Dec 12 by member: jaime30024
Bella, I was really torn reasing your journal today. The screamies are definitely mean to you. I think Rubie-Sue is right though - You're determined to do this, and the selv-loath screamies are trying to "protect" themselves from all the "destruction" you are doing to them. You want them gone, they'd like to stay. Obviously. You're starting to fight them, and they see that they are losing the battle. So what do they do? They fight back. Hard. I gotta ask - are you getting any help with this issue? If not, maybe it's something to talk to your doctor about, or something to work with on a more serious level. Maybe take a look at mindfulness? It would help you SO MUCH to learn to turn off the commentary track. I admire your courage and energy to fight these screamies, and I truly commend you on it. Losing weight while dealing with this is no easy task, and I see that you're accomplishing it. Well done. Hat's off for you. Seriously. 
13 Dec 12 by member: kingkeld
Well done, girlfriend! Take your power back; it's time. You're doing this with this supportive community and the determination to do it right this time, to be healthy and strong. Use all the tools at your disposal ; mindfulness meditation is one of my most loved. I first learned about it in group therapy years ago, and loved it. The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hahn is a wonderful book. I went to see him in Oakland when he did A Day of Peace mindfulness retreat; awesome, truly. I also find The Self Compassion Diet helpful; I have its meditation cds on my Ipod. Put on my noise cancellation headphones, sit or lie down, turn on the cd, and my personal screaming meanies are gone. They don't visit as often now, though I was doing some exercises naked and noticed that when I do side leg lifts my THIGHS have bat wings now! That threw me for a loop until I focused on the strong muscles in my thighs. I built those muscles! Yeah! You'll get there, my friend. 
13 Dec 12 by member: crabby Kat
Thank you all for your very kind support and encouragement. These comments were so touching that wanted to really take time to absorb, process and consider them before responding. Now that I'm back to a new day (and Keyboard) I'm ready. I so appreciate your continued compassion and support especially on days when my journal is less than entertaining or inspiring. I still have many issues to work through during this journey and journaling is helping me more than I'd ever expected. Again, thank you all for everything. You have helped me so much by accepting me and reminding me to take one day, one bite, one sane moment at a time. I do especially like journaling HERE at FS because prior to this I was simply banging out then discarding a record of my frustrated days on Word or Notepad. Recording my journal here forces me to record the good along with the bad and has given greater balance to my day and is being reflected in my life. However, I am no Mary Sunshine. I have my stormy days like anyone else here and appreciate your patience and understanding those days as I don't feel the need to hide them and pretend 'everything is perfect'. 
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
RiverRes - I absolutely love that you made cookies with my 'visual eating, food is an art' method in mind and it worked for you too. I do believe it is the little things that we change that serve as tipping points to greater accomplishments. In my 'past' mindset I avoided the food channel, recipes, gourmet websites, etc. Now I find myself cooking more, investing time in food and really enjoying it rather than running from it. Good for you.  
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
Rubie Sue - at first I thought the same about the screaming meanies but on reflection I believe they showed up to serve a greater purpose and are the subject of today's journal. However, I do keep a running list of the good things happening with and to me right now and update and post it in my journal ever so often. Must remember to add 'fought off the SM's' to the list. But you are exactly right - what I have may not be pretty but considering everything it's survived from me in the past 50 years it's doing pretty darn well. 
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
Sarahsmum - thank you for the very kind words and feel free to jump in anytime, no apology necessary. As for the mirrors and beating myself up, I'm okay. I'm modest but I'm ironically not ashamed of my body regardless of my batwings and bubble butt. Those SM's just tried to kick me around because I was naked. By the way - last night as I prepared for my shower, I flashed them. Literally ripped my robe open (the same flannel robe that barely closed four months ago that is now doubled over my body) in a 'HAH, TAKE THAT" motion.  
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
GG Girl - definitely, the good habits I've learned (visual eating, being open to new ideas, loving food instead of running from it) stuck with me that night. It takes 21 days to form a good habit and I feel I still have at least 365 of those to live through to just reach goal weight. Hopefully another 7000 or so to learn even more before I cease to walk the earth. I plan to continue to learn new good habits and discard the old bad ones every single day even when that requires letting an old one (the SM's) spin it's self out of steam (like letting a baby cry itself to sleep). 
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
Teska - Sadly I don't whether to blame this constant modern morphing of genders or Phil Donahue but more and more men seem to suffer from the same self image issues as women. You did make me laugh at a memory - I did NOT have a hip length mirror at one of my old jobs and was halfway down the hall one day and realized the FRONT of my dress was caught in the waist of my panty hose. (Now, THAT's distracted!) The full length mirror was installed the very next day. 
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
Ruhu - I'm so pleased my sharing, the good, the bad, and the ugly, helps anyone. I hope the fact that I'm willing to bare my soul and admit my weaknesses so that I may confront them will help others feel less inhibited too. I have just reached a point in my life where I refuse to 'fake it until I can't take it anymore' and am relieved I have friends who stick by me during those times. 
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
Jaime - I love that you labeled it 'raw honesty' - that actually made me feel stronger. After posting my SM experience yesterday I wanted to just hide, apologize, even considered deleting it. I'm glad I did not and that people appreciated what I had to share. 
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
Kingkeld - Yes, I'm getting help - right here on this website - with the unconditional support and compassion offered plus the occassional 'devils advocate' now and then when my friends call me out on a destructive behavior. I know I am even more inclined to be open and 'raw' (Jaime) here than I would be on a couch. But do not worry - if the commentary track ever begins to shout louder than my prayers I'll definitely seek an in person source for serious work. 
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella
CrabbyKat - I've made a note of the book and will look for it. Thank you for the references and coping suggestions. God Bless you for exercising naked ~ you are an inspiration! 
13 Dec 12 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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