FullaBella's Journal, 12 December 2012

Holy Cow! Apparently 'Bella's Cycle of Insanity' wheel possesses a super power ability to regenerate itself replacing every destroyed spoke with three new ones in their place. Kind of like plucking a grey hair or cutting off the tail of a lizard. The spokes come back with a vengeance.

At the end of my really great positive day yesterday I had a melt-down of such self image hating proportions I eventually screamed 'Stop It, STOP It, STOP IT' outloud in effort to quiet that mean ugly negative voice pick pick picking at me in my head.

Oh, and the 'Yes, you Can' gal? What a freaking wimp. She was sitting on the bench with her pom-poms propped ever so neatly on her knees watching this battle. She wasn't about to get her little manicured hands scuffed in this knock down drag out!

I'd gone into the bathroom for a shower and was thinking about, what else, food.

Not because I was hungry or even craving anything, though. I was thinking about it because I wasn't hungry yet when I logged my dinner into the food diary I noted I was only at 935 calories for the day and that was the third day in a row I had barely broken 1000 calories.

Being consistently below my 1300 a day goal was nagging me because I've already dropped from 1800 to 1500 now 1300 and each time I drop my RDI I seem to want to stay below it.

So instead of a 'whoo-hoo' I was lecturing myself that it wasn't enough and I was slipping into a bad habit. Sure, when I reach goal weight and want to maintain or correct or even during the inevitable maddening plateau I'm going to hit around 200lbs it will be good for me to shake up my body with a intermittent fast.

But with all of the emotional issues I still possess toward food and self image combined with my having learned to literally starve myself to take off weight as young as thirteen, I have to be very careful. Eating less and not wanting more comes easy for me. My problem is eating, period, and doing it healthy every single day. THAT is the skill I have to learn.

So I was telling myself I needed to consider an apple and maybe some guacamole to put in a couple of more calories before bed. After all, my goal is to lose this weight slow and steady and for the rest of my life.

But then, those screaming meanies showed up. You know those really dark shadowy screeching creatures in the movie 'Ghost' that would drag the 'bad guys' away? They ganged up on me in the bathroom. This would be the bathroom with a full wall mirror over the double vanity and a full length mirror on the opposite wall reflecting nearly a 360 degree view of me at all times.

Having been overweight when MH married me I have no idea what he was thinking when he had those incorporated into the room design. Were it not for the dread of fourteen years of bad luck I'd be picking up broken mirror glass today.

The screaming meanies ganged up on me when I was naked and started beating me up and taunting my poor old body. Sans the profanity they sounded something like this:

"Eat MORE? Are you CRAZY? How about eating even less for a few days? How DARE you be proud to be in a size 18 jeans... that's still FAT ... after all, look at that stomach sagging down nearly touching your thighs!"

"Look at you. Your hair is permanently thin and no amount of biotin or prenatal vitamins or B12 supplements seem to be helping. What a waste of money and time and weird colored urine that's turning out to be!"

"And what's up with those suitcases under your eyes! You've got enough baggage to travel Europe! You've started going to bed early and trying to sleep more but you look like you haven't slept in weeks!"

"So what if you lose more weight? You'll never be able to go outside in a sleeveless blouse with those batwings! Heck, one really windy day and you'd take flight, that is, if you get that big lumpy old butt of yours off the ground."

This evil, ugly battle went on longer but this is enough to give an example of the abuse. There are times when I wish I could file assault charges on my self esteem.

So having already pulled on my comfortable red plaid robe to cover my body and defend myself against the mirror and the screaming meanies I shouted the 'stop it' three times and sat down on the edge of the tub, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and prayed.

I'm not sure how long I prayed but I'm sure my water bill will reflect it next month as the shower was running the entire time and I'd depleted all of the heated water.

When the roaring in my head finally ceased I opened my eyes and discovered the screaming meanies had departed. With a "Thank you" and "Amen" I gave myself a deep cleansing breath and went out into the living room (while the water heater replinished) and had a snack. A healthy snack. No binge.

I may have to extend my Mantra. 'One day at a time, One Bite at a Time' may need to begin including 'One moment of Sanity at a time.' I know this place I'm in right now because I've been here before. It's on the edge of being stupid with my health and my weight loss and I don't want to take that leap.

As always, thank you for your patience, support, and for reading.

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1065 kcal

Fat: 22.34g | Prot: 67.91g | Carb: 164.70g.   Breakfast: Schwans Strawberries, Dannon Light & Fit Greek, Creamer, Muesli, Coffee. Lunch: Turnip Greens, Mushrooms, Diced Tomatos, Spinach, Schwan Oven Roasted Chicken Bites, Schwans Tortellini. Dinner: Diced Tomatos, Spinach, Schwan Oven Roasted Chicken Bites, Schwans Tortellini, Mushrooms. Snacks/Other: Dannon Light Greek Yogurt, Muesli, Schwans Berries. more...

2346 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...