HCB's Journal, 10 December 2012

Wow, such stressful logistics with your car vs. the snow. Glad you got it worked out. I can't imagine what was the catalyst for your nephew dying from anorexia nervosa. All I know about it is that anorexics suffer from such gross body dysmorphia, you and I cannot understand it fully. They see a normal body and they think it is gigantic. Some anorexics see everyone like that, some anorexics only see themselves like that. A male anorexic is very rare. Usually when men suffer from body dysmorphia, they try to be as big and as muscular as possible. One of my ex-boyfriends has an eating disorder. When I met him, he was 6'3" and weighed 220 pounds. He got up to 280 before we broke up. He and I got back together a year later, and through triathalons and biking and running, he had dieted down to 157 pounds - at 6'3". Now he weighs 400 pounds - literally. This is the second time in his life since I last spoke to him that he has weighed over 400 pounds. He definitely has body dysmorphia and an eating disorder. So I don't know. I know you are a therapist and you know all of this about anorexia. I'm definitely not educating you. All I can say is that even as professionals, you never really understand the gravity of being mentally ill until it gets close to you, either with yourself or someone you love. I can't say what a tragedy it is to lose your nephew at 25. I know you did everything in your power to reach out to him and your brother. It's all very terrible, and you are brave to get on a plane and go face it. 

I can understand his point of view... I started to see myself for what I am only recently, I always  saw myself fat and overweight, regardless of the fact I have been underweight all my childhood and was very lean till 3 years ago. Its something so deep in your mind, its not easy at all to have it "eradicated". I never suffered anorexia, had only emotional hunger episodes and now it seems this issue is on the way to be solved. A good friend of mine risked to die cause of anorexia, anyway, she's still too much concerned about her appearance and she will always be. I tried to help her as much as I could, but she never let me in her personal inferno, I only had a glance of it. Its a mixture of so many factors.... A big hug 

It's good to hear you're progressing on the weight, and on the self control. You're so right - avoid the bad carbs, and control is SO much easier. It's a good question you pose - what DO we see in the mirror? For me, when I was Fat Keld, my problem was that I saw NO problem in the mirror. And that made me not do anything about my weight for 40 years. Today, I feel that losing weight is the single most important thing I ever did for me.  

Glad you got home safe and sound HCB and felt in control with your plan when you were in Boston. It must have been very challenging at times, I usually stuff my emotions with "bad carb" so it would have been an ideal opportunity for doing that for me. So glad you were strong and got through it with out doing that. Sorry you had to deal with the extra stress of the BIG snow when you got home and the drama of the snow tires ;) Hope you can settle back and enjoy some down time during the holiday season. Take Care. ps regarding "what do you see in the mirror" depending on the day and my state of mind I see different things, but mostly I see someone that is doing better than she did 10 years ago and is content, but needs to maintain a routine to feel ok with me consistantly. 

So glad you're home safe & sound, even though the snow even made that a struggle. You should feel great about the support you've given to your brother & family, and that you were able to make good food choices at the same time. It is so true that by avoiding the processed carbs, reduced cravings follow -- for me, somehow, I can let those bad carbs creep back in, which is so easy during the holidays with all the extra parties & treats. You pose great questions about what your nephew & all of us who struggle with our weight see in the mirror. How/why do we become so critical of ourselves... in ways we'd never criticize/over scrutinize others? It is a mystery, but a great one to think about as we forge our way through the holidays. You've done amazing through this tough time. I'm sure the holidays are going to add even more stress, so will be thinking of you & praying for your family. 

HCB, so glad you're back safe and sound ... even with snow. It must have been terribly hard for your family. I so wish someone had been able to help your nephew. You brother is going to have a tough holiday. I'm sure he truly appreciated having you with him. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family as you get through this holiday. 

Lots of great comments above! Glad you're back safely and that you handled yourself well while gone. Your health is important too and you clearly know that! Nice job! Thinking of you and your family! 

Wow, what an adventure with your car! But I'm glad you got home safely and didn't take any unnecessary risks driving without your snow tires (although, it seems like driving wasn't an option when you couldn't get out of the driveway without them!). Eating disorders come in many forms and degrees but I fear we will never fully understand them. That's a very poignant question: "What do you see in the mirror?" I know that I avoided looking in the mirror at all when I was heavier and I still don't think I've managed to marry what I see myself as in my head with what I see in the mirror now that I've lost weight. So, somehow, I can see how it wouldn't be such a huge step to slip down the rabbit hole and get lost in our own world. Scary and very sad. Good job keeping your food in control. {{{HUGS}}} 

Glad you are back safe and sound. The snow tire thing reminds me of Murphy's law. If the tires were on the snow would not fall. As for your nephew, I view it as a monster one he could no longer control. People in my opion can not blame the person but the disease. He is now a guardian angel who will guide you through your journey. Take care and good work on the avoiding tempting foods! 

So sad for the tragic loss of your nephew. My son died years ago from just the opposite - complications arising from overeating. It's a crazy mixed up world we live in. Glad you're back safe and sound.  

Glad to hear you made it back safe. I'll never understand the complexity of life for others or myself. My thoughts are with you as always :-) 

So glad that you made it back home safely, even in all that snow! Glad to hear you are doing well. So upsetting to hear the reason of your nephew's death. We take so many things for granted including our health. Take care. 

Glad you're back HCB - you have been in my thoughts and prayers during this time of mourning. You are so impressive to continue to take care of YOU during all of that as I can imagine talk of diets and questions came up often. Looking in the mirror - when I'm NOT eating healthy I usually concentrated on my eyes only and refused to look at the rest of my body in order to remain contented in denial. When losing weight in the past I'd look at myself naked and hate my batwings and saggy belly as if all of that lifetime of abuse outer body was supposed to depart with the sudden brief intermittent change in the inner body. In the past I would rely on anorexia and purging and each time I would kneel on the floor thinking 'I'm going to die this way ... well, hell, I'm going to die anyway ...' as a rationalization. I'm so very sorry for your nephew that he was unable to work past his pain to accept that neither mirrors or photographs ever show the 'real' us. They are just man-made items that can't reveal our hearts.  

Thank-you all so very much. It's been a hard week. 

I have been thinking of you every day. Please take care, rest and I pray for peace to come back in your beautiful life! Missed you and glad you are home. What a heartbreaking way for a family to lose a son. I get a reality check when I look in the mirror. Good or bad - it is what it is. Usually I consider myself very blessed either way. 

Be safe in the snow! I really am sorry to hear about your nephew. My mother struggles with anorexia and will go days without eating and then when she does eat it is something like m&m's. Why do we struggle with food?? Is it because it is one thing we think we have ultimate control over? I heard something said about loss on the TV last week. You never get over someone's death but you make it through it. Prayers for you and your family!