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What's it like to be thin? I wouldn't know. I think sometimes I want to be thin because I've been raised to believe that's the only way I'd be thought of as "attractive."
When I was younger, my mother verbally abused me. I can say that now, just because I had to confront that when she had her stroke several years ago, and I watched her in her hospital bed and held her hand and said, "I forgive you." She was unconscious. Up to that point, I had been so angry with her for destroying my self-esteem, for raising me to feel like I was, and always would be, worthless. She would say things like, "You're too ugly to be loved," or "You'd have to pay someone to love you." The worst thing she said: "If I had known how you'd turn out, I would have gotten rid of you then." I had to hear hurtful things like that almost every single day when I was young -- especially when I was in high school.
She tried to keep treating me that way until I started attending college, and I remember her yelling ugly things at me one day... and I looked at her and said, "That's not true." And I slammed the door in her face. She stopped doing it because I stopped allowing her to belittle me, but I think by the time I found my voice, she had stomped me down to this timid, insecure, socially inept person.
So my question is, what's it like to be thin? Because I've always felt fat and unattractive, and I look at myself in the mirror, and I have to fight off my mother's voice telling me I'm going to fail at trying to be thin, that I'll always, always be ugly, that I'm never going to be anything but... worthless. Will being thin make me feel like a whole person? Will it take away my mother's voice telling me no one will ever love me? Will it truly make me happier, or am I just kidding myself?
Diet Calendar Entries for 22 June 2010:
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1671 kcal
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Fat: 60.69g | Prot: 104.29g | Carb: 189.39g.
Breakfast: peach, light soymilk, water, kashi cereal. Lunch: simply fit chocolate chip cookies, water, peach, cheeseburger. Dinner: water, light soymilk, kashi lean, lemon pepper tuna. Snacks/Other: tofu, oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, water, spark, taylor farms southwestern chicken salad, jolly ranchers, oats and honey granola bar. more...
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2188 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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