HerStrawberri's Journal, 03 November 2012

This is full of random thoughts and feelings. It jumps around because that's how my brain works. RAYOR. Oh, and please disregard the spelling and grammatical issues. i don't really care about all of that when I write a blog.

Don't let the weight loss fool you. I'm struggling really bad. While I'm really happy I'm still losing, and I'm really likeing what I see in the mirror and my clothes size...I'm just.....dealing with a lot right now and to be honest....I'm just so SICK OF DOING THIS. I think it really ht me when I hit the 150 lost milestone. I have lost an adult women and I'm STILL NOT AT MY GOAL. It really brings everything back full circle. Like...just how big I really was. You forgot about it sometimes. Especially when you start fitting into smaller clothes, and really start liking how you look....it all becomes a distant horror you no longer want to EVER think about. BUT. It's always going to be there. It hit me really hard. I always tried to remember my size, but somewhere along the way....I just...stopped. I didn't want that 'other' dawn to be hanging around anymore. I was actually able to look in the mirror! In fact, I do it ALL THE TIME NOW. I'm not scared to try on clothes! I'm not scared to fly to Vegas because I KNOW the seatbelt will fit! BUT. That 'other' dawn is still here...inside me. She IS ME. I write about loving yourself ALL the time. In fact, I firmly believe thatyou have to embrace and love everything about yourself, including your 'other' self to really be able to be at peace and just LIVE the life you deserve to have. Ummm. yeah. Ok. SOOOOO if I 'firmly' believe that....why in hell am i NOT DOING IT????? Why, am I so ashamed of how big I was? I honestly feel like I did when I first started this a year and a half ago. =(

I thought about just taking a break. I still think about it to be honest. To maybe just go on maintenance and come back to it. But then I think...what if I do that and never come back? What if I gain all of my weight back? So many stupid what ifs. So I'm NOT going to do that. I'm going to stick to it. I really wan tto hit 210 by Dec 19th, that is when we are going to Vegas for my Bday. last year during the holidays, I didn't really lose that much weight...I basically maintained. So maybe I will just do that again but not really call it a break. It's all about mind games with me. LOL. I'm not going to stop until i reach my goal. I'm already behind schedule...but I understand weight loss slows down after you lose a bunch of weight and especially when you get near your goal. I've already lost 153 freaking lbs! I CAN lost the remaining 37ish lbs. That is NOTHING compared to what I've already done. BUT, let me say....this has been the hardest weight to lose.

I also realize I have a LOT on my plate right now. This new school of mine is totally kicking my but with homework and with everything I have to do. We also just found out my dad had tumors on his lungs and basically that isn't good. AND he won't let me tell my bro or sis so I'm like...carrying this around and it's been really hard. he still needs more tests and stuff to find out what they are...but I'm pretty sure I already know. I did some research and really...everything points to the big C. SO. With him living here with us, and me being the only one that knows....I have to make sure he is ok at all times because he is seriously depressed and I'm just really worried about him. I'm sad. because I always new this day was going to come. I don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with it when the final verdict comes down...but I'm going to have too because he is going to freaking fall to pieces and I will have to pick them up. Iknow as children, we face this as our parents get older....but it really does SUCK. Especially when I'm the only responsible child he has. It had become really hard. REALLY HARD. Please don't think I'm complaining, because I'm not. I love my dad. As much as he has been a crappy father...he is still my dad and I will always be here to take care of him. It's just a lot sometimes.

I don't really have anyone to vent too about this because I hate burdening Stacy with all of this because she works so hard and a million hours a week. She knows I'm sad though. I just can't tell her because she will worry about me and she has a dangerous job and if something EVER happened to her....i would be so lost. She is my backbone when I can't find mine. She is my strength. I just...can't worry her anymore then I already do.

I know this is a lot of rambling and I'm sorry for that. I just needed to get some of this OUT of me. Maybe in a few days i will re-read this and try to get some perspective...right now...I'm just swimming...trying to keep my head above water.

I know in the grand scheme of things...my problems and worries are nothing compared to some. prob to most. i watched the telethon for Sandy victims last night and it was so sad. I donated and wished I would of given more. here I am, on my computer, complaining about my life when others are cold, hungry and homeless. =(

I know things are only going to get harder. School will get tougher. My dad will have some kid of medical plan for his tumors that will prob be really hard because I will be the only one helping him. I just feel like I'm losing myself. I try to do so much for everyone else...I'm just.......losing myself and there is really nothing I can do about it. It is what it is. i can't change what is going on. I can't change school or my dads health. I can't change that like it or not, i AM responsible for taking care of two people. Well, three if you count me. ::sigh:: I don't even think I'm making any sense anymore.

I'm sorry for all of the randomness. This is how my brain is working right now. Thank you for listening. or reading.
222.0 lb Lost so far: 153.0 lb.    Still to go: 37.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.
on diet HerStrawberri's own diet   losing 3.0 lb a week

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Comments 
This is an awesome Journal post. I read every word. You DO have a lot on your plate right now, and you deserve a good rant! You do whatever will get you through. You've come so far! I can't even imagine losing 153 pounds! Wow! What an inspiration you are!! You hang in there, and rant all you want. I see nothing wrong with it whatsoever. It's like self-therapy. So sorry to hear about your dad. I hope things don't get too tough for him, or you. Take care. I think you're awesome! 
03 Nov 12 by member: angiekae68
It's crazy tough. I've been there, Dawn. Just don't look back and no maintenance until goal. I've maintained since February (170 lbs lost) when I started century training and it's so tough to get back on the bandwagon now. I wish I had reached goal before training. Somehow in my head I thought training would help me lose weight, not fight harder not to gain. Really sorry to hear about your dad. You definitely need to be able to talk to someone -- even if it's just his medical professionals. Hope things get better soon. Keep doing it. You'll be happier for it. HUGS! 
03 Nov 12 by member: Helewis
I also read every word you wrote and it is important to be validated for your feelings and thoughts. I can hear how overwhelmed you are feeling now - remember self-care is quite important; and it does not make you selfish when you take care of yourself. The only way to be worthwhile to others, is first to be at your best. Just do what helps YOU be the best you can be. Losing 37 more pounds is just a number - you easily can focus on healthy choices to get yourself there. And, the past is over; stay in today and celebrate who you are today and the woman you continue to become each day!  
03 Nov 12 by member: HCB
Great thoughts, HCB.  
04 Nov 12 by member: Helewis
First of all, don't apologize for ranting and being all over the place; that is what this is here for. It is difficult not having someone to talk to. I will have to agree that you start going to a therapist, if you can. I have been doing so for 4 years now and it has opened up my understanding to a lot of important things in this weight loss journey. The key here, like everyone mentioned, if learning to value yourself and LOVE yourself. When you do so, you will be able to help others. I am so sorry for your father's situation. My father does not have cancer but he is a severe alcoholic. I live daily worrying about when I will get that call from the hospital of someone else, telling me that he is dead. I have tons on my plate as well, but again, the key here is to love yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY! I am so proud of you! You have lost a lot of weight and that shows your STRENGTH and DEDICATION to YOURSELF! DAWN YOU ARE SUCH A WORTHY, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN! When you have thoughts about quitting, think about how hard you worked to get where you are. I am reminded daily of my blood, sweat, and tears trying to lose this weight. I lost 80 pounds and I am keeping it off because I understand that I need to take care of myself FIRST to be able to help everyone else. I am also proud of you with how you are handling school. I just finished my Bachelor's Degree and let me tell you... I CRIED PLENTY OF NIGHTS with the stress I had. BUT Dawn, when I graduated, it was the BEST feeling in the world. You will feel so proud of yourself and will look back and say, " It was DAMN well worth it!" Keep holding on cause I know you are STRONG. God does not put us through trials and tribulations that we CANNOT bare. He knows you are strong enough to survive it and he is watching you. I am here with you for ANYTHING you need to talk about. Take care! 
06 Nov 12 by member: moonlight1631

     
 

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