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Journaling instead of binging. Upset with my brother, who has terminal brain cancer. Angry he’s not fighting, angry and sad. I ate some Halo Top light ice cream, and it was delicious, but it became clear as I inhaled that full pint in five whopping mouthfuls, this is far from safe for me to be eating. I’m angry at the world right now. It is VERY difficult for me to cry. I have always felt good having a tough exterior, but with that veneer comes the task of stuffing my feelings, and usually stuffing my face.
Cancer sucks, it’s been 2 years of an emotional roller coaster. I’m devastated that he’s smoking again, while fighting blood clots in his lungs, among other maladies. I’m mad he’s been lying to me. Angry he gives me lip service, pretending to want to give it his all, when really he’s just given up and is succumbing to the fatality of it all. He just got out of the nursing home last week! I found him an apartment, moved him in, and 💥 BAM! Right back to smoking, stinking, blowing off the doctor, letting his food stamps lapse.... I’m completely blindsided. I believed this time was different.
I thought that after the craniotomy, he’d be motivated to do well with after care. Then meningitis, and he fought a septic infection on top of it. Still, thinking after all that, he’d give a damn. Then, his left arm puffed up and he’s back in the hospital for blood clots in his lungs. Definitely won’t start smoking after this, right?!!!
Wrong.
Morgen sings me his sad song of woe-is-me I-have-cancer when he has spent all of his money on tobacco and weed. When he’s stayed stoned and is reeking of his own filth for weeks. He’ll show up, half alive, or call me from his hospital bed. I’m angry that this is my life, and that it has been a predominant theme, often taking precedence over my marriage, our children, myself.
Some people say, “hey, you do know it’s HIS LIFE, HIS CHOICE, right?” And to this i reply, why yes of course I do. I spent 10 years in geriatric care and I cannot count the number of times I went to bat for a resident who needed back up with their family to assert their own wishes. So, why am I so angry? Why can’t I just say to myself “Resident rights, sweetheart, it’s his right to smoke, it’s his right to refuse treatment “
Because I have been told by him for months now that he’s fighting. And I feel duped.
Anyhow, thanks for reading. I’m gonna get into the bath, and definitely not eat more of anything. Dinner is tonight at 530/6, I’ll be absolutely fine until then.
I
Diet Calendar Entry for 09 July 2018:
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1002 kcal
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Fat: 15.75g | Prot: 38.66g | Carb: 225.16g.
Lunch: Halo Top Creamery Birthday Cake Ice Cream, Bananas , Apples . Dinner: Tai Pei Savory Chicken for Lettuce Wraps, Red Sour Cherries, Rhythm Superfoods Zesty Nacho Kale Chips. more...
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