CurlyLocks66's Journal, 16 July 2012

Why is it that I start the day with the best of intentions and then end up screwing it up as soon as the evening comes around. I have realized in my journey with food that I now know I am 100% an emotional eater. In the past 4 months I have gained back all the weight I have lost. I have been usign food to fix my problems. I get upset and I just eat eat eat!

My boyfriend and I broke up in June, but for two months before that I was so emotional and every time I felt anything other then happy.... I ate! I ate bad... days where by calories were way above normal.

Then as my pants slowly got tighter, I realized that I was back on a destructive path, so what did I do eat even more. So I beat myself and I ate so more, learning just how hard I am on myself. Just how much I don't really value my own self.

So now I am right back where I started and feeling pretty sorry for myself and full of so many excuses. I can't believe how strong my mind is when it comes to treating myself so badly. I am my own worst critic and worst enemy.

I think I am done having a pity party for myself. I lost 30lbs in 3 and half months. I gained it all back in 4 months. This time I am not waiting for another 3 or 5 years before before I decide to lose weight again. I need to get back on track, I have tried a few times but I wasn't quite ready. I am slowly getting back to be ready to start putting myself number one again.

So here it goes, these changes are not just about eating healthy, they are about really working hard so that I can change my behaviours. I have got to find away not to use food to fix my emotions. My body can't continue to be a dumping ground for all my feelings. I need to start respecting my body and not treating it like it is a sewer. I continue think it is okay to abuse myself. I never feel good after I eat all that food, only for a short while and then I get so mad at myself afterwards. It is a constant battle and I feel like I will never win.

Habits and behaviours can be changed so that is where I need to begin, and I to realize that it is not going to change over night. I am going to make mistakes but I just have to be strong. I can do this one day at a time and I know I can change my habits for the past 10 years. It has got to be possible! I do not want to struggle with this for the rest of my life, up and down the scale, everytime something changes in my life that I can't handle. We all have to fight different fights in our lifes and this is mine.

I am going to do it I am not going to be a yo yo anymore. I am not going to keep abusing my body. I am going to treat myself better. I am going to start doing things and figuring it out how I can take control of eating habits and patterns.

I know that being back on Fat Secret and having my buddies here will really help me reach my goals. I am so thankful for everyone that has stuck by me and supported me.

Here is to trying even harder tomorrow to not let my emotions control my life and especially not have so much control over what I put in my mouth!! :)

Diet Calendar Entry for 16 July 2012:
2375 kcal Fat: 137.59g | Prot: 70.57g | Carb: 217.00g.   Breakfast: Coffee, Hazelnut Creamer, Splenda packet, Granola Bar All Natural, Saputo Cheese Head. Lunch: Cocoa Thins, Reser's Potato Salad, Silhouette, Water. Dinner: Hellman's Mayonnaise, Fresca, Poutine, Wendy's Chicken Sandwich, Ketchup Packet. more...

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Comments 
First of all, I think it's great that you are making this commitment to start again on a new weight loss journey. Give yourself some credit for making a choice to be good to yourself. Try not to focus on the anger and frustration you feel towards yourself for the past and concentrate on the future. You can overcome this negative behavior but only if you can give yourself a break when you fall down. EVERYONE falls down once in a while. So give yourself a gold star for pursuing what you know will bring you happiness and I wish you all the best for this new chapter in your life. You are worth it! 
16 Jul 12 by member: Eringiffin
Curly, it is so so so so hard to get back on the horse after you've fallen off, but that's exactly what you've done. I am so sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend, it must have been so hard. But you are beautiful inside and out, and you are taking the steps in the right direction again. We are proud of you! 
19 Jul 12 by member: flagchic

     
 

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