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Good morning, everyone. Hope all is well. It's been a few days since I was last online so I apologize for being behind on your journals.
I have been working on living, so to speak. Sorting some things out emotionally, separating what I can change from what I can't and trying to find some balance. Dust seems to be settling, and that's good. Baby brother is hopping on a plane to Arizona today. He wanted to say goodbye to me but I refused to see or talk to him. Hopefully the boundaries I have set will be a rock bottom type realization that will lead him to make positive changes in his own life. If not at least I know I have tried, literally everything. It was hard saying no, in the back of my mind I always wonder if that will be the last opportunity I ever get, and If it is how will I be able to live with myself knowing I refused. I'm sure anyone who has ever loved an addict can relate. Of course I realize you have that in every situation, seemingly healthy people spontaneously die all of the time. I saw my mom this morning, she seems better. More at peace. That's good.
I haven't skipped a beat academically, got another 100% on the exam last night. The final for this course is next Thursday, so I'll be studying for that as much as possible for the next week. I want to be a nurse so bad, and I do believe I'll make a damn good one. One of my biggest goals is to volunteer in some 'developing countries' as a nurse. (that's the new politically correct term for third world countries)I deserve success as much as the next guy, maybe even more depending on who the next guy is. This has been an exceptionally difficult year and I've made this habit of tearing myself down when I have no where else to direct my frustration. I'm making a valiant effort to learn how to treat myself as a friend, rather than an enemy. In every situation I come to or after every questionable decision I make I think to myself, okay what would my friends say to me. They sure as hell wouldn't call me names, so I need to stop doing that.
The end of the year is fast approaching and from where I sit right now it looks like I'm probably going to break even on weight loss, maybe a ten pound loss for the year if I'm lucky. I have to make peace with that. My brother has been in and out of rehabs, I quit my job and started nursing school. There has been financial strain and traumatic deaths in the family, I have had a lot to deal with and diet/exercise hasn't always been my top priority and that's okay. It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up and by the grace of god after a year of hell I'm still standing here. I am going to admire that about myself. I have a long way to go, but I'm willing to continue trying with a positive attitude and outlook for the future. I can do this, this is survivable. You can come back from shit like this.
I have been absolutely blessed by the love and support I have found here, and I hope that I am for you all what you are for me. Life is short, wherever we might be in our journeys, whether you're just getting started or arriving a goal you need to take a moment to love yourself just the way you are. I think your perfect <3
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207.0 lb
Lost so far: 79.0 lb.
Still to go: 0 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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Diet Calendar Entry for 11 December 2014:
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1549 kcal
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Fat: 67.60g | Prot: 84.68g | Carb: 153.71g.
Breakfast: Quaker Old Fashioned Oats, Maple Grove Farms Sugar Free Low Calorie Maple Flavor Syrup, Great Value Frozen Blueberries, Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer. Lunch: Brownberry Specialty Kaiser Sandwich Buns, Wegmans BBQ Pulled Pork. Dinner: La Banderita Low Carb Low Fat Soft Taco Shell, Great Value Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Egg White, Egg. Snacks/Other: Snickers Almond Bar, EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder - Chocolate Fudge, Great Value Whole Natural Almonds. more...
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gaining 2.3 lb a week
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 Comments
The fact that you are making 100 on your exam with everything that is going on in your life means that you are a fighter. Congrats on your good grade and thanks for being honest about your struggles and successes.
11 Dec 14 by member: gingin40
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We are all a work in progress. Great reflection, Yolanda. I'm so glad to have you here!
11 Dec 14 by member: mgrill
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It sounds like as hard as things have been, right now you are in a good place with yourself. Be kind to yourself. :) Congratulations on getting 100% on the exam and doing well, when all is said and done all the hard work will be worth it. As far as not reaching goals you may have had with weight loss, you have done the best you could in the circumstances and regardless none of us can go back and change the past...the best we can do is learn from it and hopefully use what we learn to make a better future. You have a bright future ahead!
11 Dec 14 by member: jmb3450
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You are such a great student and will be a wonderful nurse one day :-)
11 Dec 14 by member: snezica
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I'm so proud of you! Not just academically, but you have such great insight!
11 Dec 14 by member: 2ManyCurves
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We can only do what we can do & Im so glad to hear you will be giving YOURSELF the love & respect YOU deserve! :)THAT my buddy, will take you FAR :D
11 Dec 14 by member: myawethinTICself
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Great work at school, and life!
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So proud of you. Holding your head up and continuing through life. An excellent role model for everyone.
11 Dec 14 by member: ClassicRocker
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Glad to hear positive thoughts from you. Good for you! Now, kick some #ss in the schooling department!! You are in control!
11 Dec 14 by member: kattay
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It has been one hell of a year hasn't it??? I say that you and I get ready to kiss 2014 goodbye and hope for the best in 2015. Our family had 10 family funerals in the last 12 months. Add in a few family friends and it made for an unbelievable year. Hubby goes back to see his heart specialist in the next week, I have jury duty for the next two weeks and then a doctor appointment to follow up on abnormal results from a routine test. Oh let's throw in Christmas and New year! along with a daughter graduating from college. No wonder I am not getting anywhere in my weight loss.
You and I are on what I am calling a sabbatical Yo....
12 Dec 14 by member: kmunson
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Yolanda you have certainly been through a great deal this year. Even if you break even it says so much about your resilience in times of great difficult and if you lose weight that is truly incredible. Generally in times of great stress this is when we put on a tremendous amount of pounds, but in your case you seem to have dealt with it positively, proactively and constructively. I am sorry to hear about your brother and hopes he finds some form of peace in his life. As you said, it is important to put up boundaries and to respect our needs by doing so. This must have been very difficult to do. With your life experience and your approach to life I am sure you will make an amazing nurse. As the year ends you must congratulate yourself for being so strong and keeping everything together and when it comes to the weight loss you may even have lost a few pounds despite your difficult life battles which says a lot about you including the fact that you aced an exam. I just wanted to offer you a big congrats for your hard work.
12 Dec 14 by member: dragonwisdom
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You, young lady, continue to serve as an inspiration to me. You battle so much and yes, taking care of 'self' seems to always fall to the bottom of the list. The stress eating at the parties, the worries, it's all manifestation. Of course, it defines me as well. Good on you for accepting your human qualities. Forgive yourself, and move on. Let's climb back up on that wagon, shall we?
12 Dec 14 by member: FullaBella
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As you said, accepting what is is the first step and you are SO right that you've been through a ton this year. It can always be worse. You could have gained weight over this year, as many before you have. But no, you LOST ten pounds. You ARE going to be a great nurse and that is an important goal. Even if you just make tiny changes in your health and/or weight, that is enough when you have so much else to deal with. Charge onwards, my friend. Sorry I've been MIA for the last 6 weeks. I went into maintenance and got super busy.
13 Dec 14 by member: gilliansings
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